The Unemployed Gazillionaire

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Excuse me, but have I told you lately how just brilliant, talented and remarkably good looking you are? I really mean it, too. I’m convinced that the people who read this column are only one self-help book away from Warren Buffet-type riches and Lindsay-Lohan-like fame.

The self-help book that helped me reach this conclusion is Matt Morris’ “The Unemployed Millionaire.” Before reading Morris, I used to think of my readers as lazy louts like myself, but Mr. Morris has made me upgrade my opinion of you, you button-cute wonderful person, you. It isn’t his inspirational business philosophy behind my change of heart, but the inspiring way he relentlessly butters up his readers.

“The book is not for most people,” declares the forward by Les Brown. “The people who pick this book up are either millionaires or millionaires in training.” Personally, I hope they are millionaires. That way, they won’t miss the $22.95 they had to shell out to get these strokes.

Author Morris is also adept at shoveling on the flattery. In a chapter titled “Dreams Are The Fuel That Fire Desire,” he writes,  “I know you wouldn’t be reading this book right now if you didn’t have a great deal of desire, but I want you to know that the greater the desire burning within you, the greater the level of success you’ll ultimately achieve.”

Since we both know that the only desire burning inside of you is to run away to a tropical island where you can live on coconuts, the possibility of a layabout like you achieving millionaire status is slim. On the other hand, if your supervisor catches you spending another afternoon in snooze state, you will certainly achieve part of the unemployed millionaire dream — being unemployed.

When not flattering its readers, “The Unemployed Millionaire” is a pretty standard rehash of the Magna Carta of the genre, “The Power of Positive Thinking.” (Personally, I prefer people like you — negative thinkers. Your unrelenting negativity about your job, your prospects, and your future may be depressing, but, at least, you can be confident that you’re probably right.)

As for the positive stinkers, like Mr. Morris, the only people who seem to actually make money on this kind of thought-control are the authors of self-help books. But don’t let me be completely negative. Perhaps you are indeed a nascent unemployed millionaire who needs only a nudge to break out of your crystalis of self-doubt to emerge as a beautiful butterfly with megabucks.  If so, here are a few nudges for free:

“If you’re passionate about your business,” writes Morris, discussing the long hours you will spend achieving unemployed status, “these extra hours won’t feel like extra work. Instead, those extra hours will feel more like an adventure.” Defining your passion is apparently not easy, so the author provides a few hints. “If you had all the money in the world, and could do anything you wanted, what would you do?” is one of the questions he asks that you ask yourself. I’m not sure how answering “never work another day in my life” will lead you to millionaire status, but, hey, it’s worth trying.

“Goal setting is for losers” is another Morrisism. “Each time you say, ‘My goal is to be a millionaire,’ you are essentially programming your subconscious that you are exactly the opposite, that you are not a millionaire.” The solution here is obvious — no matter how broke you are, tell yourself that you are a millionaire. In fact, you are so filthy rich that you can quit your job today, and finance your lavish life style by declaring yourself a bank holding company and siphoning money from the Federal Reserve.

Tricking your subconscious in this way will assure you of a wonderful week or two until your credit card company comes to whisk you off to debtor’s prison.

I do give Morris credit for concluding his tome with specific recommendations that the self-helped, positive-thinking, non-goal-setting reader can employ to reach unemployed millionaire status. Forget going to work on Wall Street. Mr. Morris directs you to the Big Two of delusional business opportunities: multi-level marketing and real estate.

If you currently have a garage-full of magnetic jewelry and organic dandruff shampoo, you already know the joys of convincing friends and family to fill their garages with useless products no one wants.  On the other hand, if you still actually have a garage, consider yourself lucky. In this economy, you’re an unemployed millionaire success!


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