Sneeze more! Work less!

You’ll see everything, they say, if you live long enough. Well, I guess I’ve lived long enough because I’ve just seen our government come out against work.

I wish we could take credit for this enlightened policy. Certainly, we have been lobbying long and hard for the brave, lazy citizens who enjoy getting a paycheck for doing nothing. But, no — the policy comes directly from the crowd “within the beltway,” which is good news for those of us so committed to sloth that our stomachs extend “beyond the belt loops.”

It was Department of Commerce Secretary Gary Locke who broke the news at a press briefing held on Aug. 19th. Backed up by Secretary of Health and Human Services Katherine Sebelius and Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano, Locke announced the greatest excuse for not working since “the dog ate my homework.”

“In America we love to praise the Puritan work ethic,” said Locke, “and with reason. But this fall, it would serve the country better to praise common sense and responsibility from top to bottom. Businesses need to drive home the point that if an employee stays home sick, it’s not only the best thing for the company’s health, but also for the health of his or her co-workers and the productivity of the company.”

If you are shocked by what is virtually a government order to stay home, you should know that Locke and the other bigwigs disguised this “work less for the worthless” program by trumpeting a possible outbreak of swine flu or, as it is known to its friends, the H1N1 virus. The flu is no joking matter, of course. It’s a gift from the bureaucratic gods to anyone who has ever faked a sore throat or a stuffy nose to call in sick.

Call me cynical, but this isn’t the first time an administration has used a vaporous threat to drive us into action. I refer to the debacle of WMD: “Weapons of Mass Decongestants.”

Lest your joy at receiving a virtual “executive order” to roll over and play sick — because you’ve tried it before, only to learn that even a heart transplant is not sufficient to elicit sympathy from your heartless manager — Locke has a stern warning for our bosses.

“Some businesses now require workers to provide doctors’ notes or other paperwork to prove that they or their loved ones had to miss work because of illness. That’s a requirement that employers should consider dropping.”

That’s good, right? I’ll bet you’re already feeling the first symptoms of the flu — the desire to respond to your alarm clock by rolling over and going back to sleep. Be vigilant in monitoring your symptoms. That H1N1 could hit any moment — say, the moment when your big report is due, or the moment you’re scheduled to attend that mandatory weekend seminar the HR department has scheduled for training on the proper way to sneeze.

And it gets even better! Even if you recover from your life-threatening, non-case of the flu, Washington has announced policies that will turn your workplace into a health spa. Believe me, no one is going to impeach Locke for suggesting that companies fight intramural transmission by taking steps to “reduce face-to-face meetings.”

Think of it! No more staff meetings or progress meetings. Not even crucial meetings to schedule other meetings will be allowed. It would be unpatriotic.

Another government gift to the shiftless comes from Sebelius who I hereby nominate as Cabinet Member of the Month for pointing out that one of the “best mitigation strategies” is “keeping your hands clean, which is frequent hand washing.”

Bingo! Now, if you want to sneak out of your cubical to discuss health care issues at the town hall meeting held every afternoon at the Kit Kat Klub, there’s no need to stress and strain to come up with an excuse. Of course, no one can track you down — you’re in the bathroom, washing your hands.

Whether the government’s flu-fighting policies will work to cut down outbreaks of what could be a nasty disease for those unfortunates who actually catch it, it’s nothing but lollipops and rainbows for those of us who plan to answer our country’s call by calling in sick. So, go ahead and give in to your inner hypochondriac. The Puritans might not approve, but I, and other citizens across this great nation, say three cheers for patriots like you, and gesundheit!