Work Daze

Bet I can guess the number one thought in your cute little pea brain right
now – you’re thinking about how much fun you’re going to have at work this
holiday season. I can see you now – decorating the tree with multi-colored
Post-It notes…playing secret Santa with the nerds in IT…getting your stomach
pumped after an overdose of egg-nog at the company holiday party!

Can’t you just feel the excitement? Pop the champagne! Peel the jumbo
shrimp! Peel the good little boys and girls in Marketing once the good cheer
starts flowing. It’s like you always say – what happens in the supply closet
stays in the supply closet.

Alas, not everyone will be as fortune as thee and me this holiday season.
While we stuff our face with “bouche de Noel” and our pockets with “bonus de
Noel,” many other workers are having themselves a rather bleak little
Christmas.

The reason this season? It’s the economy, Rudolf. Times are tough all over,
and if your nose isn’t burning quite so bright, it’s probably because no one
can pay the electricity bill. From Wall Street to Main Street the worldwide
economy is careening from recession to depression, and if 2008 looks bad,
2009 looks worse. [In fact, 2009 looks so bad that we’re considering just
skipping it altogether, and moving right into 2010 when the more optimistic
ivory tower pencil pushers see the possibility of a recovery, whatever that
is.]

Because of faltering sales, companies are cutting back – on expenses and on
employees. So, if you’re lucky enough to miss getting a pink slip for
Christmas, don’t be surprised if you get a lump of goal for your bonus. It’s
all the fault of those darn consumers who are too selfish to throw
themselves deeper into debt.

And for heaven’s sake – don’t go blaming management. It’s not the CEOs who
came up with idea of selling and then securitizing rotten mortgage loans
just so they could get bigger bonuses. Oh yes, it was their idea. But it
wasn’t their fault. You have no idea of the cost of an oil change on a
Porsche Carrera 4. But you might – once you start that terrific new job at
the gas station.

Anywho, while many companies will be cutting back on holiday hi-jinks, some
businesses will be pressured to cut them out altogether. I refer, of course,
to the financial institutions who have received bailout money from Uncle
Sam.

Believe it or not, a few sour apples in Congress actually think it is in bad
taste for CEOs who take a few billions to rescue their bank or insurance
company, and then use that money to throw hyper-expensive bacchanals for the
executive team that got the company in the mess in the first place.

Fortunately, I have some good ideas on how we can help businesses break free
from the clanking chains of the party-hardly crowd, and get back to the 100%
American business tradition of party-hearty. These fun activities I have in
mind are so thrifty that even a Scrooge like Barney Frank will have to
approve.

For example, instead of expecting the company to fund the holiday party, why
not offer to host your own soiree? Have all the employees over to your
place. Sure, it might be crowded when two or three hundred depressed,
drunken revelers break into your bungalow, so it’s probably the best plan
not to tell your spouse until the merrymakers arrive. [Tip: schedule the
party for early in December. Wait too long and you could be in foreclosure.]

Another great idea is for all the employees to pool the money they were
going to fritter away on gifts for their children. Instead, buy something
really nice for the executive team. It can’t be pleasant for corporate
royalty to get on their knees and beg for billions, so a nice treat would be
more than welcome. Nothing major. Maybe just some plastic surgery, a new
identity, and the deed to a ranch in Argentina, or Uruguay. Somewhere were
there are no prying eyes and no extradition treaties, either.

Finally, if you can’t find it in your heart, or your wallet, to pay for a
big bash for your company and co-workers, you could always celebrate by
sending a nice gift to me. Email me immediately for a list of my sizes,
since I really could use some new duds. I’d hate to be wearing last season’s
look when I stand in line at the unemployment office.

Whether you’re trying to get ahead in your job, or simply trying to keep hold of it, I’ve got a tip for you. In fact, I’ve got 10!

I hasten to add that the tipster imparting these tidy tidbits of wisdom is not myself. My only tips for job survival are (1) keep your head down, (2) do as little as possible, and (3) when the little work you actually do gets you in trouble with the boss, have a dear friend handy to blame.

Fortunately, these 10 tips come from a man who is a tad more successful than me. John Doerr is a Silicon Valley venture capitalist who is both richly respected and just plain rich. Speaking before a management group composed of bright young CEOs, CFOs, and 3-CPOs, Doerr presented his list of 10 ways for companies to stay afloat in these perilous times.

Though I am considering a start-up – an exciting venture in which I hire recently fired hedge fund managers to sell apples on downtown street corners – Doerr’s tips also apply to those of us who may lack the entrepreneurial gene, but do have sufficient common sense to realize that the coming economic downturn may result in people like thee and me being turned out onto the streets, hat -- and pink slip -- in hand.

Instead of taking what fate deals out to an aging hulk in the org. chart rust belt, why not consider yourself a start-up – a fledgling enterprise fighting to stay afloat in a economic tsunami.

Can John Doerr’s tips for start-ups help you keep up? Let’s find out!

Tip #1: Act Now.

Mr. Doerr suggests we “act with speed” to “raise money, get a loan, secure financing.” Makes sense. But from whom will you borrow? Not the bank, that’s for sure. They’re in more trouble than you! The government? If you owed 25 billion, the check would be in the mail, but a failure to pay your Netflix bill won’t qualify you.

Here’s a great time to think like a start-up. You may have no value to your company, but your computer, your fax machine, the copper wires that connect you to the switchboard – that’s money in the bank! [If anyone asks why your cubical is empty, tell them you’re waiting for the IT department to hook you up with a new system. If it takes two years, everyone will understand.]

Tip #2 Protect the vital core of the business.

These are tough times, but “use a scalpel, not an ax” when making cuts. You’ll definitely want to keep those parts of your work skills that are essential, like your ability to snoop, spy, and spread vicious rumors about other members of the team. The company can find lots of people who can sell widgets, but who else has photos of the office manager in a leather bustier rejecting expense accounts while swilling Jagermeister?

Tip #6 Renegotiate any contracts that you have.

“Everything is negotiable” says the venture capitalist, and if he is right, this might be time to renegotiate your salary agreement. Go into the negotiations from a position of strength. As soon as you sit down, break down. Sob miserably and beat your tiny fists on the boss’s desk. Offer to take a 50% cut in pay, and promise to work twice as hard. Two times zero is zero, so what’s the diff? If all else fails, offer up the names of your dearest work friends who could be fired instead of you. That’s the kind of disloyalty any boss will appreciate.

Tip # 8 Offer people equity instead of cash.

There’s value in your abilities far beyond the little you do at work. Think how essential you will be when the boss comes home and finds you cleaning the autumn leaves from her rain gutters. Or power-washing his driveway to remove those annoying oil drips from the Bentley. Or whipping up a salmon mousse for the family dinner. Best of all, if the company does decide to fire you, you might be able to get a job on the boss’s household staff.

Tip #11 Over-communicate with everyone

Yes, Mr. Doerr provides an extra tip for extra-tough times. “Don’t sugar coat things,” he suggests. “Communicate your resolve.” Let management know that even if they fire you, you’ll still be coming to work every day. Chances are, faced with your presence for the rest of their working life, the boss will probably fire himself.

Yes, I know. Your boss likes you. But does she or he “like like” you or simply “like” you. Or, and this is important, did they used to really “like like” you and now, merely “like” you?

No, this isn’t high school. This is the real world. In fact, it’s the “real real” world, where an unreturned email, a quick hang-up, or an uncomfortable moment in the hallway can not only mean you have lost a friend, but also, that you have lost a job.

I was reminded of this insight by a recent column in “The Wall Street Journal” by Dana Mattioli, to whom, if I met her in the hallway, I would certainly give a major “Howdy-do!” What Mattioli documents is what we’ve long suspected – that when it seems like your boss has lost that loving feeling, it probably means you two are headed for a D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

Oh, sure, there are bosses who are naturally reserved, if not simply aloof. And you may be able to convince yourself that the reason the big boss didn’t say hello to you when you bumped into each other at the copying machine is because he or she was thinking about big issues – problems way too complex for your silly little head. You can convince yourself, but you can’t convince me.

Rich Gee agrees. “If you’re in good standing with your boss, you should be having frequent informal talks,” says the president of Rich Gee Coaching. The fact that your manager has not spoken to you since the Christmas party, and then only to tell you that you were standing on his foot, suggests that the next wave of lay-offs will sweep you away with the tide.

Still in denial? Consultant Gee suggests you compare the way your boss interacts with co-workers and use that as an indicator. If your supervisor has no time to listen to your fascinating tales of prowling swap meets to find mint Darth Vader action figures for your Star Wars collection, but somehow still manages to spend twenty minutes listening to the doofus in the next cubical describe his golf swing, chances are that you are either in the dog house, or very, very dull. And we know that certainly couldn’t be the case.

All of which raises the question of why bosses choose to deliver performance reviews through subtle, non-verbal communications. “Bosses are particularly conflict-averse,” is the answer reporter Mattioli gets from Judith Glaser, CEO of Benchmark Communications, Inc. You know this is true. These highly-paid, high-powered individuals are expected to be dynamic deciders, yet they cower like scared children in a Freddy Kruger flick when it comes to delivering bad news.

That’s why bosses give you the cold shoulder. Not because they are sending you a message, but because your existence has forced them to actually make a decision.

But we’re not here to curse the darkness in your boss’s soul. Better to focus on what you can do if a chill has descended in your formerly warm and toasty relationship. One possibility is that you could actually bring up the issue. It may not be easy to buttonhole your boss, considering their natural inclination to avoid conflict in general and you in particular. If you have no luck with conventional methods, like marching into the executive bathroom and bursting open their stall, try thinking outside the box.

Hide behind the Fichus in the reception area and when the boss comes in, pounce. Tackle the slippery devil on the way to Mahogany Row and don’t let go. “Why the heck didn’t you answer my email, you miserable, pathetic, passive-aggressive poseur?”

Your boss will admire your resourcefulness and your assertiveness. Just be careful to check your facts. “Maybe your email got lost in the shuffle,” suggests Rachelle J. Canter of RJC Associates. In this situation, something more than a simple, “Ooops. I goofed” may be required. I suggest a two-pound Whitman Sampler. There’s nothing that won’t fix.

If you can’t fix your relationship problems, the only option is to start looking for another job. The cold shoulder treatment may be juvenile, but it does provide an early warning system for those who would be happier working for a boss who “really really likes likes” them.

I’m sure you can find a shoulder to cry on with another boss, but just in case, keep a Whitman Sampler in your desk drawer.

What’s the difference between you and Sergey Brin, one of the co-founders of Google? I mean, besides his private plane, his billion-dollar bankbook, and his high-level position on the honor roll of the world’s richest rich guys?

The answer, my friend, is that Sergey has a personal assistant – a comely amanuensis named Ginger Franke, who not only runs personal errands for top execs in Silicon Valley, but also handles mission-critical tasks for these high-income high performers, like redecorating their pied-a-tiers, buying intimate apparel for their pets, and perhaps most critical of all, making sure the candy dishes in their office suites are always filled to the brim with M & M’s.

Ms. Franke, whose concierge service bears the eponymous acronym FLM for Franke Lifestyle Management, was the subject of a recent profile in “The New York Times.” And while I can understand why an uber-mogul like Sergey Brin does not have time to fill his own M&M bowl, I have to report that I found myself profoundly depressed by the idea that if you are rich enough, you don’t have do all those tiresome jobs that fill our exhausting days, like raising your children, or listening to your spouse.

Why, with the proper assistant, we probably would never even have to get out of bed and go to work! Our personal assistant would punch in and pitch in at the morning staff meetings, the lunchtime conferences, and the afternoon koffee klatches. You and me, we don’t get much done, but, man, are we good at delegating.

If it seems unlikely that you’ll ever have a personal, or even an impersonal assistant, I can understand your disappointment. After all, how can a working stiff like thee or me have a lifestyle consultant? That would imply we had a lifestyle!

On the other hand, perhaps it’s the very impossibility of people like us being able to find or afford a loyal Sancho Panza to our whacked-out Don Quixote that makes it very much worth our while to cash in the kiddies’ 529 plans and give it a whirl. Hiring a personal assistant can certainly be done on a part-time, or a project, or even an hourly basis. I have no idea what Ms. Franke charges her billionaire clients, but I’m sure any one of us – or all of us, if we chip in – can come up with a few thousand Washingtons for a few minutes of her time, which is more than enough to change the perceptions of everyone in the company, including the boss.

Just having a sleek, personal assistant type arrive at the reception desk and ask for you would start the rumor mill grinding away. “Frobisher has a personal assistant? What are her duties? Waking him up from his mid-morning nap in time to go outside and wait for the taco truck?”

Sure, they’ll laugh at you, but that’s on the outside. On the inside, they’ll be filled with hatred, jealousy and envy. And won’t that make you feel good!

Once your personal assistant has arrived, you’ll immediately want her – or him – we’re into equal opportunity servitude here – to interface with your manager. Since you spend the entirety of your workdays trying to avoid your manager, it may take a little bit of brainpower to come up with a reason for a meeting. Don’t try anything too complicated. You could send your assistant up to Mahogany Row to confirm a business lunch a week from Wednesday. Of course, you have no lunch scheduled, but your boss won’t want to admit it, especially not in front of an efficient, officious personal assistant in Jimmy Choo’s, who is busily typing away at her Blackberry, and, at the same time, checking the M&M level in the boss’s bowl with a silver Tiffany candy dip stick.

You’ve now used up maybe eight of the 15 minutes you’ve contracted, and look at all you’ve accomplished. You’ve impressed the receptionist, intimidated your colleagues, and got yourself a private luncheon meeting with the boss, where you can continue to spin your web of deception and deceit, easily netting yourself a big promotion and a raise to boot.

“I was quite impressed with your personal assistant,” the boss will surely remark as you settle back after lunch with snifters of Armagnac and contraband Montecristos. “I could use someone like that myself.”

“Sorry, Sir,” you remark. “Between Sergey and myself, the poor girl doesn’t have a minute to spare.”

Good news! I’ve finally figured out why you’re going nowhere in what we laughingly call “your career.” It’s not because you’re lazy and indecisive and ineffectual. It’s not you at all. The real problem is your spouse.

According to an article by Leslie Kaufman in “The New York Times,” major job searches almost invariably include a careful vetting the potential hire’s significant other.

“The spouse has always been a silent part of the executive package,” writes Kaufman, “with committed partners doing everything from packing overnight bags to throwing client-entertaining dinner parties.”

[The last time my spouse packed an overnight bag for me, I wasn’t going on a business trip. But there was my bag, packed with all my possessions, sitting on the front porch at 3 AM when I stumbled home from the Kit Kat Klub. Go figure.]

If a job description includes social activities, the role of the spouse is even more important, and Kaufman points out that “a charming and organized spouse can be a boon to an executive who must rub elbows and raise money.” Don’t think raising money is part of your job? You want regular and significant salary increases, don’t you? In my book, that’s serious money raising.

The spouse must also be supportive of her life mate’s career. If you have a demanding job, an employer doesn’t want a spouse constantly badgering their partner to leave work before midnight, just because some silly family event is taking place, like a fire in the family room, or the birth of a child.

Fortunately, this is not a problem for many of us. Our spouses are more than delighted to have us stay at work, 24/7/365. They know, I suppose, how much we love our jobs. It also leaves them more time to spend with their Palates instructor.

Despite the importance of our spouse in achieving business success, employers are not allowed to subject the significant other to the kind of Abu Gharib interrogations conducted with applicants. There are laws against by discrimination by association, which is one very good reason why no one should ever see you reading this column.

“The significant other has no official duties, after all, and will not be paid,” notes reporter Kaufman, before turning over the podium to Clifford Atlas, a lawyer who specializes in employment law. According to Atlas, “the more you ask someone about their personal lives, the more likely that you will uncover information that should not be considered in the hiring process.”

Why it should spoil a man’s chances for a big new job if the new employer finds out he never puts down the toilet seat, is beyond me. Nor should a hard-charging female executive be penalized simply because she never misses an episode of “Dancing with the Stars.” Still, it does mean that both members of a couple must be very careful about what they say in the job-hunting process. And I’m not just talking about formal interviews.

“Whenever I call a candidate’s house,” says executive recruiter Melanie Kusin, “I invariably get the spouse and always try and stay on the phone as long as possible. It can give you such a different window into who that person is.”

A window or a door. Train your spouse never to reveal any more than name, rank and serial number. If you can’t come to the phone because you’re sprawled out on the floor, drunk, there’s no reason for your spouse to reveal this information to a recruiter. All they have to say is something totally neutral and completely understandable, like “I’m sorry they aren’t available. They’ve gone out to score some crack cocaine.”

If you must introduce your spouse be sure to school him or her in the ways of business.

For example, instead of starting a dinner with a wimpy drink, like a wine spritzer, they must order a shot and a beer. The boilermaker should be knocked back before the waiter leaves, and a round of Jell-0 shots ordered right away. This shows that your spouse is a fun person to have at management retreats. And make sure your spouse sends back her meal two or three times. This shows decisiveness. Finally, instruct your spouse to demean you in public, dressing you down for a variety of marital bad decisions and foul-ups. This shows you can take criticism and follow orders, no matter how erratic and insane.

That way, if you don’t get the job, they’ll definitely give it to your spouse.

Office walls do not a prison make. Or do they?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been sitting here all morning, waiting for
government intervention to save my sorry assets. Since our politicians have
extended a helping hand to the financial industry – after first putting that
helping hand into your pocket – I don’t think it’s too much to expect the
Fed to bail out the disaster that is your personal cash flow situation. I’m
not saying your balance sheet is out of balance, but let’s be realistic here
– if it wasn’t for the spare change you dig out of the reception room
couches, you’d never be able to afford the luncheon buffet at the Kit Kat
Klub.

As bad as your personal situation may be, at least, you have a job. This is
more than can be said by a passel of predators who, until very recently,
worked in the financial services industry. After years of buying and selling
worthless securities, and rarely making more than one or ten million dollars
a year for their efforts, these poor rich devils are suddenly thrown out of
work – unable to pay the mortgages on their penthouses or buy gas for their
Aston-Martins. [Or they will be until they are hired by the Treasury
Department to purchase the bad investments they once peddled.]

No disaster is without its redeeming aspects, of course, and in the case of
our current money meltdown, I have found comfort in the advice being
lavished on the jobless multitudes. Consider Phyllis Korkki, the Career
Couch columnist for “The New York Times,” who just issued a ukase to the
edgy employed titled, “How to Protect Your Job in a Stormy Industry.”

Ms. Korkki focuses her advice on the folks in financial services, but I
believe her ideas have value for a wide variety of occupations in our
storm-battered economy. For example:

• Don’t let rumor and fear take over.

“Fear is your biggest enemy right now,” says Marc Cenedella of
TheLadders.com. Personally, I always thought our biggest enemy was the HR
department, but Cenedella may have a point. “Don’t rely on the rumor mill
for your information,” adds columnist Korkki, and that will truly be a
challenge, since the biggest and fastest-spinning water wheel in the rumor
mill is y-o-u.

Because it will be impossible for you to stop whispering sweet somethings
into the ears of your co-workers, perhaps you can reach a compromise. You’ll
continue to gossip, but you’ll only spread good news. “The company is in
great shape.” “No way there will be lay-offs.” “The boss really likes your
work.”

Keep up the flow of good gossip until everyone feels comfortable and
relaxed. That will give you time to slip into the good graces of management
and save your job when everyone else gets the boot.

• Develop a personal relationship with the boss.

“It’s hard to fire someone that you know and you like personally,” says
Stephen Viscusi, author of “Bulletproof Your Job.” This may be true, but
it’s amazing how many managers manage to triumph over their personal
affection and get out the hatchet. A pink slip may be easier to take when
it’s delivered with a hug, but it’s still a pink slip all the same.

With mass firings imminent, it may be difficult to develop that deep and,
hopefully, lasting relationship with your hiring – and firing – manager. You
could invite him or her out to a leisurely candlelit dinner, where you could
share your innermost feelings over a nice bottle of Ukrainian Burgundy, but
let’s be real – time is not on your side. That’s why I suggest you use a
gift to seal your special relationship with your manager. Ten thousand
dollars in cash from your 401(k) wire transferred to your manager’s Swiss
bank account is a wonderful way to say, “I like you.” And a darn good
investment, as well.

• Assess & differentiate

Mark Anderson, of ExecuNet, suggests you determine “what problems you solve
for your current employer.” This won’t be easy. May I suggest: you keep your
desk chair from floating away by sitting in it. Or, you set a low for
performance so other employees look better. Don’t underestimate the
contribution you make by not making much of a contribution at all! Someone
has to be the worst worker in the company, and better it be thee than me.

Anderson also suggests you “avoid blaming your former company or boss for
your current situation.” That’s ridiculous! After all, they were dumb enough
to hire you in the first place.

Office walls do not a prison make. Or do they?


Here’s something about this column that you don’t know. While I am writing these words I am also answering my email, juggling phone messages, cooking a six-course organic dinner, balancing my checkbook, and playing Scrabulous with a 12-year old podiatry student in Debrovnic.

Yes, reader, I am a multitasker and proud of it. Or, I was proud until I picked up a new --and refreshingly tiny -- book by Dave Crenshaw, “The Myth of Multitasking.”

Crenshaw, a Utah-based business coach, insists that we don’t improve our effectiveness by doing two or three or ten things at once. Instead, he suggests, we actually become less productive, driving our co-workers and our family moo-moo-goo-goo in the process.

Multitasking is a myth, Crenshaw writes, because the human brain simply cannot perform two tasks at once. And David E. Meyer, Ph.D., of the University of Michigan agrees: “We will never, ever be able to overcome the inherent limitations in the brain for processing information during multitasking. It just can’t be, any more than the best of all humans will ever be able to run a one-minute mile.”

I would argue with Dr. Meyer in terms of the one-minute mile. Obviously, he has never timed the race in your office when it is announced that scraps from the lunch meeting are available in the break room. But no one can disagree when it comes to the limits of the human brain. Spend five minutes with your manager and those limitations are as clear as a bell, if not an entire carillon.

Instead of multitasking, what we poor humans actually do is “task-switching.” Unable to walk and chew gum at the same time, we alternate between walking and chewing, a time-consuming, inefficient waste of brain power for which we pay a price – a price that time management types call the “switching cost.”

You can measure switching costs in minutes or in dollars, but Crenshaw’s argument is that when you go from email to voice mail to snail mail and back again, you are not multiplying your productivity, but dividing it, less a significant discount for the time it takes you to crunch those rusty gears.

“Studies have shown that on average, each person loses about 28 percent of the workday due to interruptions and inefficiencies,” Crenshaw writes. “Multitasking – or switchtasking – is probably the biggest culprit.”

In the example that takes up most of the – wonderfully short – book, the multitasker actually loses so much time in going back and forth between tasks that every “productive” hour is only 32 minutes long. [I know! Your management
would be delighted if they got 32 minutes of work every hour, but don’t give in to their outlandish demands – what you bring to the company is your sense of style and your infectious charm. Anyone can do work. Only a very special employee can be a celebrity icon.]

Another destructive aspect of the multitasking myth is the idea that you can allow yourself to be interrupted all through the day and still remain a productive employee. Having assorted managers and co-workers and flunkies bop in and out of your life on email, voicemail, Twitter and Blackberry may give the impression that you are in the mix and in the flow, but the need to deal with all these assorted humans and their various demands will inevitably take its toll on your mission-critical tasks, like playing online poker, or keeping up with the juicy celebrity news on Perez Hilton.

Crenshaw’s answer is to set certain times when you will accept visitors or return telephone calls. “There is an illusion that many people buy into,” Crenshaw writes, describing the messaging technology that can track us down in the most sacred spots, like the VIP Room at the Kit Kat Klub. “The reality, though, is that these things will make us productive only if we learn to take control of them. They are the servants. We are the masters.”

I know this is true [but, please, don’t tell my iPhone.] So, starting now, inform your managers that you will only receive their input between 3:00 PM and 3:05 PM on every third Friday of every second month with an “r” in it.

Your supervisor may complain, but as I think we’ve learned, you’ve simply got to focus if you’re going to multitask. After all, anyone can screw up one task, but it’s takes real talent to screw up three tasks all at the same time.

Office walls do not a prison make. Or do they?

There are times when being at work is wonderfully liberating. And then there are the times when being at work feels like serving an unlimited sentence in solitary confinement.

It’s that solitary confinement feeling that you get most of all, right? Everyone else is out there – making contacts, making money, making progress across the global spectrum. And here you are, trapped like a rat in a cubical the size of a face cloth with barely enough enthusiasm to press your cold, wet nose against your mouse button.

Is it any wonder that you have decided to take action? And I totally support your efforts to break free – your idea of stealing a spoon from the break room and digging a tunnel from under your desk to the back of the parking lot is a bold and daring move.

I wish you best of luck in your escape!

All of which reminds me of a March 17, 2008 article in “The Wall Street Journal.”

“Executives Teach Inmates How to Be Employees” was the title of the piece by reporter Carol Hymowitz, and lest you consider me cold-hearted, let me say right from the jump that this charitable effort by retired execs is a good deed, indeed. By sharing basic business success tips with the prison population they are turning common criminals into uncommonly productive employees. Best of all, by instructing the inmates on how to get and keep jobs when their sentences are over, they have managed to reduce the recidivism rate from the national average of approximately 66% to a measly 10%.

But is being locked behind a desk better than being locked behind bars? I’m not sure there is much difference. One successful graduate of the program, Mark, described prison life this way: “The food was nasty, I missed my family so much, and you’re dependent on the guards for everything. No one thinks about kindness in prison.”

Now consider your job: the food in the company cafeteria is so toxic that “nasty” could be a blue plate special. And with all the hours demanded by management, you also miss your family and yes, you’re dependent on your supervisors for everything. As for thinking of kindness, forget about it. The only time you’re likely to find kindness is when the security guards offer to carry your boxes to the street after they kick you to the curb.

The charitable work that is needed here is obvious. Instead of business executives going to prison to teach convicts how to succeed on the outside, we need are convicts coming to businesses to teach employees how to survive on the inside.

[No, I’ve never been in prison, but I’ve watched “The Shawshank Redemption” a dozen times, so I’m no stranger to doing hard time.]

For example:

• Serve your sentence one day at a time.

Everyone in the workforce is a lifer. So, there’s no sense in taking the long view. When you come in on a Monday, try to ignore the weekly delousing and don’t obsess on whether you can make it all the way to Friday. If you can grit your teeth and tough it out, maybe you can make it to lunch. After that, it’s an easy jump to your early-afternoon nap break, after which you can pretend to have a stomach ache and get taken to the IT department for an emergency appendectomy. For some people, this is major surgery. For you, it’s parole.

• Never turn your back on a con.

Remember that your co-workers are just as depressed and dangerous as you. They’ll turn you in to the guard (AKA, the office manager) just for the fun of it. Be smart and strike first. If one of your office friends is cheating on her expense account, or her spouse, drop a dime on the jailbird. You’ll rid yourself of a rival, and you may get extra privileges, like a second helping of gruel at bonus time.

• Keep a positive mental outlook.

A workplace, like a prison, is a depressing place. Your body has to be there, but your mind can run free. Maybe you won’t have Morgan Freeman as your work buddy for the decades ahead, but that doesn’t mean you can’t walk through your days in a happily-demented daze. Let the bulls think you’re a nitwit. And no matter what else you have to do, just keep digging that tunnel.