Work Daze

Bet I can guess the number one thought in your cute little pea brain right
now – you’re thinking about how much fun you’re going to have at work this
holiday season. I can see you now – decorating the tree with multi-colored
Post-It notes…playing secret Santa with the nerds in IT…getting your stomach
pumped after an overdose of egg-nog at the company holiday party!

Can’t you just feel the excitement? Pop the champagne! Peel the jumbo
shrimp! Peel the good little boys and girls in Marketing once the good cheer
starts flowing. It’s like you always say – what happens in the supply closet
stays in the supply closet.

Alas, not everyone will be as fortune as thee and me this holiday season.
While we stuff our face with “bouche de Noel” and our pockets with “bonus de
Noel,” many other workers are having themselves a rather bleak little
Christmas.

The reason this season? It’s the economy, Rudolf. Times are tough all over,
and if your nose isn’t burning quite so bright, it’s probably because no one
can pay the electricity bill. From Wall Street to Main Street the worldwide
economy is careening from recession to depression, and if 2008 looks bad,
2009 looks worse. [In fact, 2009 looks so bad that we’re considering just
skipping it altogether, and moving right into 2010 when the more optimistic
ivory tower pencil pushers see the possibility of a recovery, whatever that
is.]

Because of faltering sales, companies are cutting back – on expenses and on
employees. So, if you’re lucky enough to miss getting a pink slip for
Christmas, don’t be surprised if you get a lump of goal for your bonus. It’s
all the fault of those darn consumers who are too selfish to throw
themselves deeper into debt.

And for heaven’s sake – don’t go blaming management. It’s not the CEOs who
came up with idea of selling and then securitizing rotten mortgage loans
just so they could get bigger bonuses. Oh yes, it was their idea. But it
wasn’t their fault. You have no idea of the cost of an oil change on a
Porsche Carrera 4. But you might – once you start that terrific new job at
the gas station.

Anywho, while many companies will be cutting back on holiday hi-jinks, some
businesses will be pressured to cut them out altogether. I refer, of course,
to the financial institutions who have received bailout money from Uncle
Sam.

Believe it or not, a few sour apples in Congress actually think it is in bad
taste for CEOs who take a few billions to rescue their bank or insurance
company, and then use that money to throw hyper-expensive bacchanals for the
executive team that got the company in the mess in the first place.

Fortunately, I have some good ideas on how we can help businesses break free
from the clanking chains of the party-hardly crowd, and get back to the 100%
American business tradition of party-hearty. These fun activities I have in
mind are so thrifty that even a Scrooge like Barney Frank will have to
approve.

For example, instead of expecting the company to fund the holiday party, why
not offer to host your own soiree? Have all the employees over to your
place. Sure, it might be crowded when two or three hundred depressed,
drunken revelers break into your bungalow, so it’s probably the best plan
not to tell your spouse until the merrymakers arrive. [Tip: schedule the
party for early in December. Wait too long and you could be in foreclosure.]

Another great idea is for all the employees to pool the money they were
going to fritter away on gifts for their children. Instead, buy something
really nice for the executive team. It can’t be pleasant for corporate
royalty to get on their knees and beg for billions, so a nice treat would be
more than welcome. Nothing major. Maybe just some plastic surgery, a new
identity, and the deed to a ranch in Argentina, or Uruguay. Somewhere were
there are no prying eyes and no extradition treaties, either.

Finally, if you can’t find it in your heart, or your wallet, to pay for a
big bash for your company and co-workers, you could always celebrate by
sending a nice gift to me. Email me immediately for a list of my sizes,
since I really could use some new duds. I’d hate to be wearing last season’s
look when I stand in line at the unemployment office.

Whether you’re trying to get ahead in your job, or simply trying to keep hold of it, I’ve got a tip for you. In fact, I’ve got 10!

I hasten to add that the tipster imparting these tidy tidbits of wisdom is not myself. My only tips for job survival are (1) keep your head down, (2) do as little as possible, and (3) when the little work you actually do gets you in trouble with the boss, have a dear friend handy to blame.

Fortunately, these 10 tips come from a man who is a tad more successful than me. John Doerr is a Silicon Valley venture capitalist who is both richly respected and just plain rich. Speaking before a management group composed of bright young CEOs, CFOs, and 3-CPOs, Doerr presented his list of 10 ways for companies to stay afloat in these perilous times.

Though I am considering a start-up – an exciting venture in which I hire recently fired hedge fund managers to sell apples on downtown street corners – Doerr’s tips also apply to those of us who may lack the entrepreneurial gene, but do have sufficient common sense to realize that the coming economic downturn may result in people like thee and me being turned out onto the streets, hat -- and pink slip -- in hand.

Instead of taking what fate deals out to an aging hulk in the org. chart rust belt, why not consider yourself a start-up – a fledgling enterprise fighting to stay afloat in a economic tsunami.

Can John Doerr’s tips for start-ups help you keep up? Let’s find out!

Tip #1: Act Now.

Mr. Doerr suggests we “act with speed” to “raise money, get a loan, secure financing.” Makes sense. But from whom will you borrow? Not the bank, that’s for sure. They’re in more trouble than you! The government? If you owed 25 billion, the check would be in the mail, but a failure to pay your Netflix bill won’t qualify you.

Here’s a great time to think like a start-up. You may have no value to your company, but your computer, your fax machine, the copper wires that connect you to the switchboard – that’s money in the bank! [If anyone asks why your cubical is empty, tell them you’re waiting for the IT department to hook you up with a new system. If it takes two years, everyone will understand.]

Tip #2 Protect the vital core of the business.

These are tough times, but “use a scalpel, not an ax” when making cuts. You’ll definitely want to keep those parts of your work skills that are essential, like your ability to snoop, spy, and spread vicious rumors about other members of the team. The company can find lots of people who can sell widgets, but who else has photos of the office manager in a leather bustier rejecting expense accounts while swilling Jagermeister?

Tip #6 Renegotiate any contracts that you have.

“Everything is negotiable” says the venture capitalist, and if he is right, this might be time to renegotiate your salary agreement. Go into the negotiations from a position of strength. As soon as you sit down, break down. Sob miserably and beat your tiny fists on the boss’s desk. Offer to take a 50% cut in pay, and promise to work twice as hard. Two times zero is zero, so what’s the diff? If all else fails, offer up the names of your dearest work friends who could be fired instead of you. That’s the kind of disloyalty any boss will appreciate.

Tip # 8 Offer people equity instead of cash.

There’s value in your abilities far beyond the little you do at work. Think how essential you will be when the boss comes home and finds you cleaning the autumn leaves from her rain gutters. Or power-washing his driveway to remove those annoying oil drips from the Bentley. Or whipping up a salmon mousse for the family dinner. Best of all, if the company does decide to fire you, you might be able to get a job on the boss’s household staff.

Tip #11 Over-communicate with everyone

Yes, Mr. Doerr provides an extra tip for extra-tough times. “Don’t sugar coat things,” he suggests. “Communicate your resolve.” Let management know that even if they fire you, you’ll still be coming to work every day. Chances are, faced with your presence for the rest of their working life, the boss will probably fire himself.

Yes, I know. Your boss likes you. But does she or he “like like” you or simply “like” you. Or, and this is important, did they used to really “like like” you and now, merely “like” you?

No, this isn’t high school. This is the real world. In fact, it’s the “real real” world, where an unreturned email, a quick hang-up, or an uncomfortable moment in the hallway can not only mean you have lost a friend, but also, that you have lost a job.

I was reminded of this insight by a recent column in “The Wall Street Journal” by Dana Mattioli, to whom, if I met her in the hallway, I would certainly give a major “Howdy-do!” What Mattioli documents is what we’ve long suspected – that when it seems like your boss has lost that loving feeling, it probably means you two are headed for a D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

Oh, sure, there are bosses who are naturally reserved, if not simply aloof. And you may be able to convince yourself that the reason the big boss didn’t say hello to you when you bumped into each other at the copying machine is because he or she was thinking about big issues – problems way too complex for your silly little head. You can convince yourself, but you can’t convince me.

Rich Gee agrees. “If you’re in good standing with your boss, you should be having frequent informal talks,” says the president of Rich Gee Coaching. The fact that your manager has not spoken to you since the Christmas party, and then only to tell you that you were standing on his foot, suggests that the next wave of lay-offs will sweep you away with the tide.

Still in denial? Consultant Gee suggests you compare the way your boss interacts with co-workers and use that as an indicator. If your supervisor has no time to listen to your fascinating tales of prowling swap meets to find mint Darth Vader action figures for your Star Wars collection, but somehow still manages to spend twenty minutes listening to the doofus in the next cubical describe his golf swing, chances are that you are either in the dog house, or very, very dull. And we know that certainly couldn’t be the case.

All of which raises the question of why bosses choose to deliver performance reviews through subtle, non-verbal communications. “Bosses are particularly conflict-averse,” is the answer reporter Mattioli gets from Judith Glaser, CEO of Benchmark Communications, Inc. You know this is true. These highly-paid, high-powered individuals are expected to be dynamic deciders, yet they cower like scared children in a Freddy Kruger flick when it comes to delivering bad news.

That’s why bosses give you the cold shoulder. Not because they are sending you a message, but because your existence has forced them to actually make a decision.

But we’re not here to curse the darkness in your boss’s soul. Better to focus on what you can do if a chill has descended in your formerly warm and toasty relationship. One possibility is that you could actually bring up the issue. It may not be easy to buttonhole your boss, considering their natural inclination to avoid conflict in general and you in particular. If you have no luck with conventional methods, like marching into the executive bathroom and bursting open their stall, try thinking outside the box.

Hide behind the Fichus in the reception area and when the boss comes in, pounce. Tackle the slippery devil on the way to Mahogany Row and don’t let go. “Why the heck didn’t you answer my email, you miserable, pathetic, passive-aggressive poseur?”

Your boss will admire your resourcefulness and your assertiveness. Just be careful to check your facts. “Maybe your email got lost in the shuffle,” suggests Rachelle J. Canter of RJC Associates. In this situation, something more than a simple, “Ooops. I goofed” may be required. I suggest a two-pound Whitman Sampler. There’s nothing that won’t fix.

If you can’t fix your relationship problems, the only option is to start looking for another job. The cold shoulder treatment may be juvenile, but it does provide an early warning system for those who would be happier working for a boss who “really really likes likes” them.

I’m sure you can find a shoulder to cry on with another boss, but just in case, keep a Whitman Sampler in your desk drawer.