Work Daze

What’s the difference between you and Sergey Brin, one of the co-founders of Google? I mean, besides his private plane, his billion-dollar bankbook, and his high-level position on the honor roll of the world’s richest rich guys?

The answer, my friend, is that Sergey has a personal assistant – a comely amanuensis named Ginger Franke, who not only runs personal errands for top execs in Silicon Valley, but also handles mission-critical tasks for these high-income high performers, like redecorating their pied-a-tiers, buying intimate apparel for their pets, and perhaps most critical of all, making sure the candy dishes in their office suites are always filled to the brim with M & M’s.

Ms. Franke, whose concierge service bears the eponymous acronym FLM for Franke Lifestyle Management, was the subject of a recent profile in “The New York Times.” And while I can understand why an uber-mogul like Sergey Brin does not have time to fill his own M&M bowl, I have to report that I found myself profoundly depressed by the idea that if you are rich enough, you don’t have do all those tiresome jobs that fill our exhausting days, like raising your children, or listening to your spouse.

Why, with the proper assistant, we probably would never even have to get out of bed and go to work! Our personal assistant would punch in and pitch in at the morning staff meetings, the lunchtime conferences, and the afternoon koffee klatches. You and me, we don’t get much done, but, man, are we good at delegating.

If it seems unlikely that you’ll ever have a personal, or even an impersonal assistant, I can understand your disappointment. After all, how can a working stiff like thee or me have a lifestyle consultant? That would imply we had a lifestyle!

On the other hand, perhaps it’s the very impossibility of people like us being able to find or afford a loyal Sancho Panza to our whacked-out Don Quixote that makes it very much worth our while to cash in the kiddies’ 529 plans and give it a whirl. Hiring a personal assistant can certainly be done on a part-time, or a project, or even an hourly basis. I have no idea what Ms. Franke charges her billionaire clients, but I’m sure any one of us – or all of us, if we chip in – can come up with a few thousand Washingtons for a few minutes of her time, which is more than enough to change the perceptions of everyone in the company, including the boss.

Just having a sleek, personal assistant type arrive at the reception desk and ask for you would start the rumor mill grinding away. “Frobisher has a personal assistant? What are her duties? Waking him up from his mid-morning nap in time to go outside and wait for the taco truck?”

Sure, they’ll laugh at you, but that’s on the outside. On the inside, they’ll be filled with hatred, jealousy and envy. And won’t that make you feel good!

Once your personal assistant has arrived, you’ll immediately want her – or him – we’re into equal opportunity servitude here – to interface with your manager. Since you spend the entirety of your workdays trying to avoid your manager, it may take a little bit of brainpower to come up with a reason for a meeting. Don’t try anything too complicated. You could send your assistant up to Mahogany Row to confirm a business lunch a week from Wednesday. Of course, you have no lunch scheduled, but your boss won’t want to admit it, especially not in front of an efficient, officious personal assistant in Jimmy Choo’s, who is busily typing away at her Blackberry, and, at the same time, checking the M&M level in the boss’s bowl with a silver Tiffany candy dip stick.

You’ve now used up maybe eight of the 15 minutes you’ve contracted, and look at all you’ve accomplished. You’ve impressed the receptionist, intimidated your colleagues, and got yourself a private luncheon meeting with the boss, where you can continue to spin your web of deception and deceit, easily netting yourself a big promotion and a raise to boot.

“I was quite impressed with your personal assistant,” the boss will surely remark as you settle back after lunch with snifters of Armagnac and contraband Montecristos. “I could use someone like that myself.”

“Sorry, Sir,” you remark. “Between Sergey and myself, the poor girl doesn’t have a minute to spare.”

Good news! I’ve finally figured out why you’re going nowhere in what we laughingly call “your career.” It’s not because you’re lazy and indecisive and ineffectual. It’s not you at all. The real problem is your spouse.

According to an article by Leslie Kaufman in “The New York Times,” major job searches almost invariably include a careful vetting the potential hire’s significant other.

“The spouse has always been a silent part of the executive package,” writes Kaufman, “with committed partners doing everything from packing overnight bags to throwing client-entertaining dinner parties.”

[The last time my spouse packed an overnight bag for me, I wasn’t going on a business trip. But there was my bag, packed with all my possessions, sitting on the front porch at 3 AM when I stumbled home from the Kit Kat Klub. Go figure.]

If a job description includes social activities, the role of the spouse is even more important, and Kaufman points out that “a charming and organized spouse can be a boon to an executive who must rub elbows and raise money.” Don’t think raising money is part of your job? You want regular and significant salary increases, don’t you? In my book, that’s serious money raising.

The spouse must also be supportive of her life mate’s career. If you have a demanding job, an employer doesn’t want a spouse constantly badgering their partner to leave work before midnight, just because some silly family event is taking place, like a fire in the family room, or the birth of a child.

Fortunately, this is not a problem for many of us. Our spouses are more than delighted to have us stay at work, 24/7/365. They know, I suppose, how much we love our jobs. It also leaves them more time to spend with their Palates instructor.

Despite the importance of our spouse in achieving business success, employers are not allowed to subject the significant other to the kind of Abu Gharib interrogations conducted with applicants. There are laws against by discrimination by association, which is one very good reason why no one should ever see you reading this column.

“The significant other has no official duties, after all, and will not be paid,” notes reporter Kaufman, before turning over the podium to Clifford Atlas, a lawyer who specializes in employment law. According to Atlas, “the more you ask someone about their personal lives, the more likely that you will uncover information that should not be considered in the hiring process.”

Why it should spoil a man’s chances for a big new job if the new employer finds out he never puts down the toilet seat, is beyond me. Nor should a hard-charging female executive be penalized simply because she never misses an episode of “Dancing with the Stars.” Still, it does mean that both members of a couple must be very careful about what they say in the job-hunting process. And I’m not just talking about formal interviews.

“Whenever I call a candidate’s house,” says executive recruiter Melanie Kusin, “I invariably get the spouse and always try and stay on the phone as long as possible. It can give you such a different window into who that person is.”

A window or a door. Train your spouse never to reveal any more than name, rank and serial number. If you can’t come to the phone because you’re sprawled out on the floor, drunk, there’s no reason for your spouse to reveal this information to a recruiter. All they have to say is something totally neutral and completely understandable, like “I’m sorry they aren’t available. They’ve gone out to score some crack cocaine.”

If you must introduce your spouse be sure to school him or her in the ways of business.

For example, instead of starting a dinner with a wimpy drink, like a wine spritzer, they must order a shot and a beer. The boilermaker should be knocked back before the waiter leaves, and a round of Jell-0 shots ordered right away. This shows that your spouse is a fun person to have at management retreats. And make sure your spouse sends back her meal two or three times. This shows decisiveness. Finally, instruct your spouse to demean you in public, dressing you down for a variety of marital bad decisions and foul-ups. This shows you can take criticism and follow orders, no matter how erratic and insane.

That way, if you don’t get the job, they’ll definitely give it to your spouse.