Work Daze

This doesn’t apply to me, because I retired the day I started working, but
for someone like you, who has been laboring, striving, succeeding and
achieving, the idea of jumping off the treadmill may be a tad unsettling.
In fact, it is the inability to visualize a life without a job that leaves
many people completely unprepared for the moment when the grim reaper of
retirement waltzes into your cubical to announce that it’s time to log off –
forever.

This lack of planning is one reason why people who are successful in the
workplace are such failures at retirement. How else can you explain all the
folks who spend their sunset years as bitter old codgers, occupying park
benches and bar stools from nine to five, complaining about the “good old
days,” when a day’s pay bought a day’s work, and there were no wise-acre,
know-it-all kids to tell you how to do your job.

[Of course, there were wise-acre know-it-all kids, but there was a
difference – those kids were you.]

Fortunately for everyone approaching the retirement zone, Sarah E. Needleman
has come to your rescue with her “90 Days” column in “The Wall Street
Journal.” Interviewing a bunch of workplace experts, who –surprisingly –
did not include me, Needleman reports that a successful retirement requires
an exit strategy. And no, she isn’t referring to your habit of sneaking out
the fire exit at 3 PM.

As you’d expect, AARP, the American Association of Retired Peons, is ready
to chime in. CEO Tom Nelson insists that retired people “really want to have
a sense of meaning and purpose.” I’m not sure that is true since most of us
have been working all our adult lives without any meaning and purpose, but
who am I to deny you the opportunity to prepare for the day when you can
respond to the alarm clock by meaningfully and purposefully rolling over and
going back to sleep.

Here are the recommended steps to a successful retirement:

• Create a healthcare fund

You’ll want to put money aside if you’re concerned about making it to
Medicare. Two or three million should cover it, assuming you buy generic,
and purchase a do-it-yourself acupuncture kit. Drew Denning, a honcho at
Principal Financial Group, suggests you get a physical before your current
health-insurance plan expires. This way you’ll learn if you are in a
high-risk category that insurers routinely avoid as they follow their very
sensible plan of providing insurance only to those who do not need it.

• Develop a long-term budget

Hate to break it to you, but one of the nasty, hidden facts about retirement
is that you don’t get a paycheck. This seems unfair, considering how little
work you did when you were actually on the job. Your budget should include
the new expenses that are likely to occur during your retirement years, such
as the cost of purchasing pens, paper clips, computer terminals and office
furniture, now that you’ll have to buy these items instead of pilfering
them. Also, you’ll no longer have an expense account, so those lavish
lunches at the Kit Kat Klub will be on your tab. And now that you won’t be
scrounging the leftovers of important meetings, do remember to budget an
addition few hundred dollars per month for donuts.

• Join your alumni network

Bad news – you will now have to start courting all those obnoxious
co-workers who you successfully avoided at the office. These contacts “can
expose you to volunteer or consulting opportunities,” according to David
Smith of Accenture Ltd. Or, if you prefer to supplement your income without
actually working, ex-office mates can be a wonderful resource for your
blackmailing efforts. Those furtive cell-phone photos you took at the summer
picnic could provide a handy income stream in your dotage.

• Plan ways to stay active

Do volunteer work, take up a hobby, enroll in classes, or pursue a part-time
job, advises AARP’s Mr. Nelson. “You really want to have a sense of meaning
and purpose.” Perhaps, but if you’re going to run around like a crazy
person, you might as well fill your time by going back to work. No one paid
attention to you when you were employed, so it’s unlikely they’ll notice you
now. And since you have nothing to lose, you may even become the upbeat,
committed contributor management always wanted. Just be careful you don’t
get promoted. That kind of success could take all the fun out of retirement.

Hate to bum you out, bub, but our economy stinks. The price of everything from bread to butter is going up, as you would quickly see if you could afford gasoline to drive to the store. Everything is rising, except our salaries. I suppose it’s unpatriotic, but I’m getting a tad tired of fighting inflation by keeping my wages low and my prospects even lower.

Kimberly Bishop agrees. According to a press release that just bounced into my inbox, the Vice Chairman of Slayton Search Partners/Boardroom Consultants stands ready to help those of us who are suffering from worry inflation and optimism deflation.

The harsh economic realities are unavoidable, but life must still go on. That's the heart of Ms. Bishop’s message according to her flack. And I am 100% in accord. With all the money we owe MasterCard, Visa and American Express, they’re simply not going to let us give up now.

Unfortunately, the email from the Vice Chairman's spokesperson does not provide a lot of comfort to those us stuck in this sticky employment environment. "Continuing hard times mean that more people are getting laid off everyday,” the firm's press release points out, “and they are discouraged about their prospects for finding their next job.”

So, what’s the answer -- job seekers must be more proactive about looking for their next opportunity. [You know what it means to be proactive, don't you? It’s like the energy you put into racing to the coffee room after a big meeting in the hope of finding leftover jelly donuts.]

While Ms. Bishop's press release does not provide a whole lot of answers, she does suggest some interesting questions. And if you’re not yet sufficiently depressed and despondent, let’s explore a few of the employment disasters that may await you:

• The struggle facing people who have been in the workforce for two decades or more.

There is a real problem here, but the boardroom consultants are sugar coating it. What she means to say is – the struggles facing people who are OLD. Her solution for horribly, irreversibly, ancient workers is to “refresh their resumes, quantify their experience, and showcase their skills to survive in this fiercely competitive environment.” And while you’re at it, it might make sense to refresh your wrinkled forehead with Restylane injections.

As for quantifying your experience, that might be difficult to do. Personally, I believe that anyone who has managed to stay employed for two decades or more must have a plethora of valuable skills, like the ability to look busy when there’s no work to do, and the gift of appearing to care about the business when your true passion concerns whether or not the reconciliation of Spencer and Heidi on “The Hills” will survive until the end of Season 5.

• The difficulties confronting working parents who have been laid off and need to land a job as soon as possible.

This horrible economy is especially rough on parents who not only need to provide a German SUV to deliver their children to pre-school, but must also satisfy the tiny tots in their desire for Gucci lunch boxes and Clone Wars action figures. The press release from Vice Chairman Bishop's firm is right to suggest that parents in the workforce need to find jobs that offer flexibility, but she fails to note that working parents have a tremendous advantage – they can put their children to work.

Many major US corporations are downsizing in the efforts to cut costs. What better way to quite literally reduce overhead than to fire the Wharton graduates and hire a bunch of elementary school graduates. How often have you commented that your boss’s job could be done by any kindergartener? How frequently has your manager pointed out that your juvenile behavior in the workplace is better suited for the playground?

Besides, you always said your place of business was a sweat shop. Putting your 7-year old to work will prove it.

• Workers in their late 20’s and early 30’s don’t realize that now could be the time for them to make a move to the next level.

Absolutely! Just because you’re young and dumb doesn’t mean you aren’t management material. Leverage your youthful energy and volunteer to do the work of those 40- and 50-year folks who are just taking up space. Don’t feel guilty about displacing some aging Boomer. You’ll never get old and need to hang on to a job with your fingernails.

After all, that’s what’s so good about a bad economy. It allows companies to replace old deadwood with new deadwood.

I don’t know if you’ve made your final decision yet, but if you ask me, I
know what I want to be when I come back in my next life. I want to come back
as an employee of SuperGroup Creative Omnimedia.

I understand that the concept of reincarnation does not often figure in the
science of career counseling, but a fellow can dream, can’t he? And if I may
be so bold, may I suggest that once you learn more about this most excellent
company, you, too, will want to send off a resume to SuperGroup SuperQuick.

So, why am I so moo-moo goo-goo for a teeny-tiny web design company in
Atlanta, Georgia? Why do I suggest that you pack up your button-down shirts
and pack in your golden parachute to sign on to Team SuperGroup? It isn’t
because of what they do. It’s because of what they don’t do.

According to a recent article in “The Wall Street Journal,” the inspired
co-finder of the business, Mr. Chris Wallace, has instituted a policy
wherein employees are allowed to fill their down time with whatever
activities they choose. That’s right! Instead of trying to look busy with
worthwhile work pursuits, SuperGroup’s SuperLucky employees have carte
blanche to “pursue their own interests in their downtime, doing just about
whatever they wanted, on the clock.”

Sad to relate, the employees of SuperGroup totally waste their free time
with worthless endeavors like “writing music and building photography and
video skills.” These avocations are not only promoted by the company, but
are used to entice new clients into the Omnimedia web. Like the time the
company was pitching for new business from The Weather Channel, and
convinced their potential client that they could not only turn pixels into
snow storms, but could also write music for the site.

“To prove its abilities, Mr. Wallace presented the Weather Channel with a CD
of employees’ original music – and won the business” Simona Covel of the
Journal reports.

Not only does the company benefit, but employees with a free pass for their
free time also gain new skills to put on their resumes, not to mention a
workplace experience that is truly rare in today’s nose-to-the-grindstone
economy -- an “ego boost.”

According to the boss, Chris Wallace, employees usually spend about an
average of one half-day a week on their personal projects, and only
occasionally have to be reminded that work for their clients comes first.
The only problem, he says, is to “weed out potential hires who seem to
thrive on a more regimented structure.”

As someone who has spent not half-days, but whole half-decades working on
personal projects in the midst of highly regimented organizations, I must
applaud the visionary thinking of SuperGroup’s management. But I am not
convinced that the youthful employees of the company are using their
personal time to the best advantage. Writing music tracks and polishing
Photoshop skills actually sound like work to me. I say – if your boss is
going to open the gate and let you be a free-range employee, why not take
full advantage.

What are top three activities to occupy your free, highly-paid hours at
work? I thought you’d never ask.

Workplace Personal Activity #3 – sleeping.

No longer will you have to glue yourself your Aeron Chair, and prop your
eyelids open with toothpicks to look like you’re awake. In a personal-choice
work environment, you’ll be able to get the quality sleep you’ve been
seeking. A well-rested workforce will mean fewer workplace accidents, like
the time your boss asked you to tell her what you really truly thought of
her ideas, and you answered honestly.

Workplace Personal Activity #2 – gossiping.

If you think it’s fun to spread malicious rumors about your co-workers in
your spare time, imagine all the damage you could do if you had a full
workday for your rumor-mongering activities. After only a few days devoted
to spreading poisonous lies, there are sure to be fights breaking out in the
break room and nervous breakdowns in the executive suite. Sweet!

Workplace Personal Activity #1 – tunneling.

Sneaking out the back door is a good way to get out of the office, and
everyone appreciates the classic false fire alarm ploy to empty a workplace.
But given enough free time, there’s no reason you couldn’t dig a tunnel
under your workstation and escape whenever you choose.

Of course, when you have a job where nobody cares what you do, or don’t do,
who would ever want to leave?

I admit it! Sometimes I get so involved with the pains and problems of being
supervised that I ignore completely the terrible burden on those who do the
supervising. After all, our supervisors carry a lot of responsibility on
their bony shoulders. Plus, there’s the stress of knowing that no matter how
little work you actually do, you still will have to be front and center when
it comes time to receive the credit.

Fortunately, my lack of empathy for the managerial class is balanced by the
concern of an individual with impeccable credentials – Fred Pryor. I can’t
really tell you much about Fred because I don’t know anything about him. In
fact, Fred Pryor may not really exist. Fred could be a symbolic brand
character, like Betty Crocker or Mrs. Butterfield or Dick Cheney.

One thing for certain – whoever and wherever Fred Pryor is, he is hard at
work churning out seminars that cover subjects from “Guerrilla Marketing”
[who knew the great apes had so much purchasing power?] to “Managing
Multiple Priorities, Projects and Deadlines” Makes you wonder where’s the
seminar on Managing Multiple Personalities – that’s the one you need in your
office.

“How to Supervise People” is a Fred Pryor classic – a one day trainload of
training in which you will “learn effective leadership skills to maximize
employee performance.” And though Fred doesn’t say, let me add – that is
maximizing employee performance for employees who aren’t you.

In the beautifully crafted email I received on this event there are a whole
bunch of bullet points to highlight the knowledge you will gain in a
learning experience targeted for “new supervisors, senior supervisors,
mid-level supervisors and non-supervisors.” May I also suggest it will be
useful to those of us are not-now-and-never-will-be supervisors. You know
what they say in the IT department – before you can beat your enemy, you
have to understand your enemy. For example:

• How provide meaningful praise.

It is important that supervisors learn how to give praise, since we never
get much as employees. Start with a few simple expressions: “Good boy!”
“Smart pooch!” and “Roll over, and I’ll scratch your ears.”

• Supervise friends and former peers without losing their respect.

Managing your equals can make for sticky situations in the workplace. Use
the intimate knowledge gained when you worked side-by-side as colleagues. “I
really value our long friendship,” you might say. “I would certainly hate to
include in your performance report the time you put yoghurt in the gas tank
of the CEO’s Jaguar.”

• Establish supervisor-subordinate relationship boundaries that won’t be
misunderstood.

It does take skill to create that clear and convivial “Me boss. You dirt.”
feeling. Give your direct reports meaningless and demeaning tasks to
perform, like flossing your teeth for you, or performing arthroscopic
surgery on your knee. Your people may protest that they are not qualified,
but once they understand their position in the pecking order, they will be
much happier and so will you.

• Give constructive criticism without it being taken seriously – even by the
most sensitive employee.

Heaven knows employees are a sensitive bunch. How did it become such a “big
deal” to ask someone to work when their wife is having a baby, or when
they’re having the baby themselves? You can’t return the backbone to an
American workforce gone soft, so you might as well assuage their delicate
feelings. When you do have to give criticism, be constructive, as in “You’re
a complete idiot and a total waste of oxygen, but good job on living up to
my expectation that you are a moron.”

• Develop a keen sense of when to take corrective action or fire an employee
– and the legal implications of each.

Sad to say, a supervisor can no longer fire an employee just because you
don’t like the color of his tie. People don’t wear ties today, and if they
do, they’re probably bossing you around. If you do decide to terminate an
employee, make sure the offense is serious, like questioning your direct
order. If you want an employee to get you a cinnamon latte double fast, you
don’t need some malcontent asking whether you want a grande or a vente!

By the end of the seminar you will “gain confidence and respect from your
boss, peers and team.” Not bad for one day’s non-work. But missing a day’s
work is not really a problem any more, is it? You don’t have to work. You’re
a supervisor.