Work Daze

Don’t you just hate when reality gets in the way your everyday life at work?

Take gas prices. You probably haven’t noticed it, but gasoline prices have been on the rise lately. As I’m writing this, a gallon of good stuff costs over $4.00 and by the time you read this, it could easily be $6.00 or $8.00 or a $100. There’s nothing you can do to control the price, and it doesn’t matter whether you blame it on the greed of Saudi Arabia or the apparent desire of every worker in China and India to “see the USA in a Chevrolet.” [I guess we should update that old advertising chestnut. How about “see Korea in a Kia.” Or, “see Rwanda in a Honda.”] It all goes to show, I guess, that you never should have capped that oil well in your back yard.

What’s amazing about the high price of gasoline today is that it is not only influencing the way we live, it’s also affecting the way we work. According to a recent survey, “more than four out of ten professionals (44%) said higher gas prices have affected their commute, up from 34 percent in a similar survey two years ago.”

I’ve been ruminating about it, and I think the last time reality changed my work life was when the dinosaurs died off, and we no longer had to board up our cubes when it was Tyrannosaurus mating season. But paying so much at the pump has consequences, and this recent poll, conducted on behalf of Robert Half International, shows the changes workers like thee and me are now willing to consider.

Like the 46% of us who report “increasing carpooling or ridesharing.” This is a big number and a big change. If you’ve ever tried it, you know how easy it is to drown in a carpool. You’ve got to spend at least an hour a day with three or four different personalities, and you’ve got to do it early in the morning, a time when few except television weather people, feel bright and social. Or in the evening, after eight to ten to twelve hours of being bashed and battered by abusive managers, psychotic co-workers, and a temperamental copying machine that has it out for you.

Considering how awful it is to drive with people you know, one can only imagine the hell that is ridesharing. In this situation, you line up at some centrally located corner and hop in whatever car comes along. If you think Russian Roulette sounds dangerous, consider the dreadful possibilities of Toyota Roulette! What kind of crazy person is going to give a ride to a crazy person like you?

Other work style changes that are being considered due to the – quite literally – highway robbery of today’s gas prices include driving a more fuel efficient car (33%), telecommuting more frequently (33%) and looking for a job closer to home (30%.) I was disappointed to see that only 18% are thinking about biking to work. There’s nothing I enjoy more than racing down the highway behind a schmo on a Schwinn.

You won’t be surprised that 59% of respondents responded that their companies are not helping to offset the rising cost of commuting. 18% have increased the mileage reimbursement for company travel. That leaves 72% who still base their reimbursement on the cost of driving a Calistoga wagon across Oklahoma in 1834.

If prices continue to rise, I expect many companies will have to respond. Don’t be shocked if your company helps you cut down on your daily commute by allowing you to sleep in your cubical. [In the night time, I mean. No one is going to take away your fundamental right to sleep during the day.]

If you have a particularly generous management, they may even allow you to keep working 24/7, thus eliminating your commute altogether. Can’t you just see it? Representatives from HR hand out blankets and those itsy-bitsy little pillows the airlines used to offer. You might even get a pre-packaged, semi-nutritious meal – or be offered the opportunity to purchase one at your desk. [No cash! Credit cards only.]

You could then work contentedly through the night, knowing that you are saving money by not spending on overpriced gas, or any of the other luxuries no can now afford, like buying a house or having children.

Don’t like this new way of working? You have two choices: move to Saudi Arabia or buy a bike.

It's just what I need - one more person to add to my "I owe you an apology"
list.

Bruce Weinstein, Ph.D. emailed me a couple of weeks ago because he thought I
would like the see an advance copy of the workplace advice column he writes
for BusinessWeek online. Like I have time to read during the month in which
The Hills wraps up for its fourth blockbuster season!

"Ask the Ethics Guy" is the title of Bruce's column and the must-know
subject of the must-read column was "The Art of the Successful Job
Interview." Now that Heidi has turned her back on her big PR job in Las
Vegas to move back in with Spencer, I have had time to peruse the prose of
The Ethics Guy.

To tell you the truth, the info was very revealing. Who knew there was an
alternative to the gold standard of interview behavior: weeping, followed by
pleading, followed by throwing yourself on the floor at the feet of the
interviewer, crying pitifully as you beat your little fists on the carpet as
you beg for the gig?

This alternate approach, as formulated by Weinstein, is based on ethical
principles. (Principles! Now we need to have principles!) Each principle
brings with it a piece of advice on how to successfully master the interview
process. Whether the ethical approach to interviewing will bring you peace
of mind, as well as a paycheck, is a matter in which The Ethics Guy wobbles.

"Taking the low road may lead to a job offer, but at what cost?" asks
Weinstein. "If you have to become someone other than yourself, what does
this say about your integrity? And what will happen to you, professionally
as well as personally, if it comes to light that you lied to get the job."

What will happen to you, personally and professionally, is that you can pay
your cable bill and upgrade your diet to Chef Boyardee from Fancy Feast. As
for becoming "someone other than yourself," isn't that what being employed
is all about? No one is going to take a look at your real self, lounging
around the living room in your PJs and your bunny slippers, and decide,
"Hey, let me write that person out a paycheck." Face facts -- it's not being
ourselves that gets us the job and keeps us employed.

Despite his failure to understand the unethical nature of work, The Ethics
Guy is willing to share his principles for successful interviewing, and
since I have no ethics, I will share them with you:

1. Focus on what you will bring to the company.

It's not all about you, Weinstein insists. I agree. But it's also not about
what you can do for the company. What it's all about is the person who is
interviewing you and how your hire can make her or him look good. If you
sense a weak ego on the other side of the desk, make sure you show the
interviewer that behind your polished profile is a real screw-up and a
slacker. Remember - bosses don't hire candidates who show them up. They hire
people whose poor performance shows how great they are in comparison.

2. Be honest.

"When you don't know the answer, it's much better to admit this than pretend
otherwise." Good idea, but what if you're a "seasoned employee" and have
trouble remembering certain obscure information, like your name? I say: if
you don't know the answer to a question, just give an answer you do know.
That's what politicians do, and they're never out of work.

3. Don't badmouth your previous employer.

"He was the biggest jerk I ever worked for" is not recommended as an
effective, or ethical, way to describe your last boss. This goes against our
previous principle, be honest, so if you're going to trash your supervisor,
be totally truthful "He was the biggest jerk I ever worked for," you can
ethically say to the hiring manager. "But everything I see in this interview
tells me you'll be an even bigger jerk."

Dr. Weinstein's over arching idea is that before you look for a job you
should "look within." "To realize a company's mission successfully, get to
know what your own mission in life is." Of course, if your mission is to
get a really well-paying, really easy job where no one will ever bug you,
better forget the ethical approach altogether.

Pleading, crying and begging may not be ethical, but they work.

Shame on you!

I don’t mean to scold, but your behavior at work has seriously disappointed me and, if you could be honest with yourself for a change, it has disappointed you, as well. So now you know who is to blame if I have to get punitive with your puny self – nobody but Y-O-U.

That’s right! Thanks to you, I won’t be using these precious 750 words we have together to discuss a spiffy new self-help, self-analysis, self-selfless book called “Who Are You and What Do You Want, A Journey for the Best of Your Life.” This is a pity, people, since the authors, two perky PhD’s, Mick Ukleja and Robert Lober, have a breathtaking, breakthrough concept, Four Dimensional Thinking, which requires only that you ask yourself four key questions to “refocus, plan and get the best out of your life.”

Only four questions and you could get a grip on topics such as “Self Esteem and Reflection, Prioritization, Entrepreneurial Spirit, Love and Relationships, Mentoring, Growing Your Business, Challenging Your Mind, and Settling Life Goals.” But why bother? The authors could throw in tips for a truly valuable skill, like “Growing Mushrooms in Your Bottom Desk Drawer,” and you still wouldn’t have time to answer their four questions.

Not you! Not when you’re spending every billable hour discussing the latest results of that dopiest of all TV shows, American Idol.

Yes, I know about your secret obsession with Ryan Seacrest and the video bafflegab that every year sets out to find the greatest pop star no one will remember five minutes after the season is over. If it’s any comfort, you are not alone in obsessing on who Paula loves and Simon slams. According to the Spherion Snapshot Survey, a full 33 percent of American workers are frittering away the hours between nine and five with endless, over the cubical wall discussions and debates over which of the Davids will be voted off and on and on and on. [Yes, dogg, it was tragic that Syesha was eliminated. Let’s shut down all the telephones in the sales department for two hours in mourning.]

Not surprisingly, only 17% of workers polled say they are conducting their Idol pre- and post mortems during working hours. Hard to believe, but I guess you’ve finally figured out it’s better to lie to the Spherion Snapshot than admit to management that you and your fellow yentas are getting paid big bucks to debate whether Archulta senior is helping or hurting Archuleta junior.

Of course, not everyone is so childish and churlish to waste the company’s money talking about a truly dumb TV show like American Idol. 21% of you have decided to waste the company’s money talking about the even more colossally foolish and really quite embarrassing Dancing with the Stars.

Whether you are an Idol idol or a Dancing devote, you have plenty of company in America’s workforce. As the survey shows, men and women from almost every age group are deeply committed to skipping work to talk TV. Some of you – about 40% -- even justify your unjustifiable behavior by claiming that “talking about television increases office camaraderie.” This may be true, but you might want to poll management on the issue. I haven’t asked the nosey parkers at Spherion, but my guess is that a certain percentage of bosses would rather have less camaraderie, more productivity. Say 99.99%!

Fortunately, these brutally-fought contests will soon be over and with nothing to distract you except American Gladiator, you may be able to find time for the important matters. I don’t mean work. I refer to the four questions that are the heart of Four Dimensional Thinking.

They are:

Who are you and what do you want?
Where are you and why are you there?
What will you do and how will you do it?
Who are your allies and how can they help you?

Because I know you’re busy discussing how in the world Jason Taylor could be a finalist after his pathetic performance in the paso doble, I’ll answer for you. Let’s see: you’re a big loser and you don’t want anyone to know it. Where you are is stuck in a nowhere job and you’re there because no one else would hire you. What you will do is try to hang on as long as you can, a feat you will accomplish mostly by hiding. And you have no allies. Everyone hates you.

What else can I say? Except – let’s dance!

What can you say about some who can't tell the difference between an office
romance and a tray of deli meats? To quote the estimable Mr. T – “I pity the fool!”

And I do. But there is one individual who does understand the link between a serious relationship with a hunk and a hunk of turkey breast. That’s Oscar Meyer. Yes, the first – and last – name in b-a-l-o-n-e-y is no baloney when it comes to charting the ossilations of osculations in the office. So involved are the meatmeisters in moving from a slice of ham to a slice of life, I could almost believe that sexual obsession is circulating in the Oscar Meyer executive suite, not unsurprising when the most exciting part of your day is shrink-wrapping shards of cured, diced pork.

How else would you explain the recent survey fielded by Oscar’s minions, the results of which have been recently emailed to Work Daze headquarters? “Office romances are heating up across the country,” the urgent communication states. “Single employees are engaging in love connections on the job.”

[In my day, love connections – whatever those are – were not limited to single employees. Obviously, married employees are having their cold cuts at home, and their love affairs, as well.]

Not one to rush to rash conclusions, Oscar Meyer makes their shocking revelation based on the results of a scientific survey. 1,046 men and women were surveyed by Impulse Research Corporation, which certainly should have a grip on the average employee’s basic need to grab onto something in these difficult times, whether it is a secure job or the new intern in human resources.

The results of this research project reveal that “nearly seven out of 10 Americans have engaged in an office romance at one point in their careers.” Considering the inmates and oddballs in the offices where I have served out consecutive life sentences, I don’t buy it. I think what they meant to say is that seven out of 10 Americans nearly engaged in an office romance. Like the time the new receptionist demanded you take her to the coat closet for a passionate interlude, or, would have done so, if she didn’t find you a disgusting, repulsive, old perv with the sex appeal of a turnip.

[On the other, she – or he – simply could have been one of the 40% of Americans who feel that a romantic relationship at work is “not appropriate.” Since this leaves 60% of the office staff who is looking for love in all the wrong cubicles, it should encourage you to persevere in your attempt to find Mr. or Ms. Right at work. To which I say – don’t let anything deter you, unless, of course, it’s another restraining order.]

75% of all surveyed admitted to having a crush on a colleague, and I think we all know how unsatisfying unrequited office love can be. How many times have you fallen for a hunky IT technician who has spun your hard drive and calibrated your mouse? But you never knew how to make your move. Now you do!

Don’t send flowers. Don’t write sonnets. Just give deli meats.

Here at last is the missing link between love and liverwurst. Follow me now, through the tangled reasoning of the sex-crazed Oscar Meyer execs. Because we American office workers are randy and ready, and because we are all working so hard we have no time to socialize, the invention of the “new hot and melty flatbread sandwiches” you know as Oscar Meyer Deli Creations, allows romance to blossom between love-starved wage slaves sharing a “hot and melty” lunch break.

Got it? Traditional gambits such as cocktails after work or putting roofies in the break-room coffee pot are as old-fashioned as chasing the boss around the desk. “Almost half of the survey respondents think the lunch hour is the best time of day to get to know a fellow colleague,” the survey finds. Assuming your collegial love bunny isn’t allergic to pastrami, Oscar Meyer can hook you up.

Now that you know that the way to a co-workers’ heart is through their stomach -- as long as their stomach is filled with provolone and mortadella – I can only encourage you to get out there and start lunching. And when the wedding bells start ringing for you and your office hottie, don’t forget who got you there.

Remember -- Oscar Meyer Deli Creations are perfect for weddings, honeymoons, and long dreamy afternoons together at the unemployment office.