Work Daze

No, no, no! I’m not crying. It’s just a little dust from my desktop that got in my eye. I do so little work around here, that dust and debris tends to pile up, and lately, the cleaning staff has been ignoring me. I guess they didn’t like the shiny new quarters I handed out for Christmas presents.

Or maybe it’s powdered sugar that got in my eyes. I downed that last box of donuts pretty quickly, and my stomach is covered with white powder. It looks just like Mount Rainier. This emotional eating at work has got to stop. Or perhaps, I need to switch to Bear Claws.

Or maybe I should just have a good cry. I certainly have plenty to cry about, and unless I miss my guess, so do you. Let’s face it – thanks to our current economic mess, our jobs have gotten harder; our bosses have gotten meaner, and our opportunities for advancement have gotten thinner. In fact, almost everything has gotten thinner, except our waistlines.

As appealing as it may seem to cook up a breakdown, you may be concerned about the message it would send to your colleagues and supervisors. And you would be right to be concerned. According to Peggy Klaus, “a top communication and executive coach whose client list reads like a who’s who of corporate America,” crying in the workplace is a definite no-no.

“Crying derails discussions and makes co-workers and the boss feel very uncomfortable,” Klaus counsels. “Further it makes male colleagues view you as not being tough enough and female perceive it as manipulation to get what you want.”

This makes sense. You certainly don’t want to make your boss feel uncomfortable, right? Bosses who are uncomfortable may act irrationally and decide to take rash actions, like ending their own lives or, more likely, your career. At the same time, you don’t want to make your male colleagues view you as a wuss. Even if the reason for your tears is a major life crisis, like the coffee room vending machine running out of Gummy Bears, co-workers who see you cry may consider you easy prey, and make you do their homework or give you wedgies at staff meetings.

Having the female staff view you as a manipulative brat also has dire consequences. The ladies in your organization could gang up on you, and kick you out of the popular clique or give you wedgies at staff meetings.

In fact, it is to women that consultant Klaus is directing her remarks. Inspired by Hillary Clinton’s inspired bit of tearmanship in the New Hampshire primary, Klaus is concerned with the plight of female workers who are “fearful as coming off as overly emotional, and thus, taking self-control to an extreme, appearing unauthentic, stiff or even unfeeling.”

While I certainly appreciate the problems that face women as they break out of their traditional gender roles, I must criticize Klaus for not being more sympathetic to the male of the species. We men also have to stifle our inner crybaby.

Ms Klaus explains the female orientation of her work by pointing to research by biochemist William Frey, a Minneapolis-based balling expert, who found that women on the average cry four times more a month than men (5.3 versus 1.4 times.)

For me, this research only proves that women are better able to handle job disappointments and career downdrafts. Most men I know have reason to cry 50.3 times a month, yet only manage to turn on the waterworks a measly 1.4 times. The other 49 times we’re holed up in the coat closet, sniveling quietly and wiping our noses on the boss’s Armani.

Another scientist in the crying game, Boston University psychologist, Dr. Leslie Brody, reports that “men in conflict turn feelings of anger against the other person, whereas women turn their feelings against themselves.” This may be true, but I find that women are really good at hiding their feelings. For example, when I announced that I was resigning from my current position and would be leaving the company forever, the only crying I witnessed from the office manager, the HR director and my direct supervisor were cries of delight. Clearly, these women were blaming themselves and compensating for their inner pain by pretending to be happy. Of course, when I told them I was kidding, and would never even think of leaving, their reaction was pure Hillary.

Poor women. Does anyone have a hanky?

Valentine’s day 2008 is history. The red roses have wilted. The last heart-shaped nougat is now firmly affixed to my thighs. And here I am – just discovering a timely e-press release from those hopeless romantics at InterviewStream.com.

“Valentines Dating Tips Help You Land a Dream Job” is the subject line of this massive missive from Conshohocken, Pennsylvania, the bucolic hamlet where Shawn Graham, author of “Courting Your Career,” and Randy Bitting, InterviewStream honcho, have put their heads – and hearts – together to bring us the “Top Ten Tips for Romancing Your Dream Job.”

I assume winter in Conshohocken is a cold and dreary environment in winter, because in the process of typing up their tips, the two dating experts have clearly overheated their hormones. “From the moment you walk in the door, what you say –verbally and non-verbally – will often determine whether you’re going to ‘score’ with your dream company,” suggests smooth-talking Shawn with a nudge-nudge, wink-wink. “One of the most important skills to possess as you head out on the job market or dating scene is the ability to sell yourself and then to seamlessly ‘seal the deal,’” adds randy Randy.

I don’t know what’s going on in Conshohocken, PA, but I think someone should call Dr. Phil, and fast. I mean, are we getting advice from seasoned business executives or overly hormonal frat boys?

Once Graham and Bitting can cool their jets, I can see the real value in their approach. This is not just another case of HR Girls Gone Wild, but solid advice that serious job seekers can use if they want to, in the words of the press release, “get past first base with an employer.”

For example, consider Tip #3 “Always ask their number.” Requesting a business card is just like asking for a phone number, the romance gurus tell us, and thus, appropriate behavior when “you hit it off with someone you’re networking with.” Fair enough, but be prepared for the job-search version of the famous wrong-number brush off. If you’ve ever called a proffered number only to find yourself talking to a complete stranger who has no idea of the memorable evening you supposedly spent together, bonding in the VIP room of the Kit Kat Klub, you won’t be surprised when the phone number on the business card for the CEO of Worldwide Integrated Breadsticks, Inc. connects you directly with a 7-11 outlet in Mumbai.

Or take Tip #5 – “Break the ice.” The pick-up artists at InterviewStream suggest you prepare your opening remarks well before hitting the job market dance floor. But “avoid canned or overly rehearsed answers – the dating equivalent of lame pick-up lines.” I agree. Use original, irresistible lines, like “Hire here often?” or “What’s a nice manager doing in a dumpy company like this?”

Tip #6 suggests that you “give the right signals to heat things up.” We’re talking body language here, and as you’d expect, “non-verbal communication is critical.” That’s why, when I go to an interview, I ignore the chair and lie on nearest couch. If there’s no couch, I conduct the interview from a closet. I want my future employer to know that I’m not a threat; when I’m on the job, I’ll either be sleeping, or hiding, or both.

Tip #8 instructs us not to “bash our ex.” Absolutely! Why ruin a perfectly good interview with a lot of useless conversation about your former employers and the restraining orders they had to take out? If your new boss wants to find, he can simply read the court transcript.

The final tip, Tip #10, cautions against being a “run-away bride or groom.” No question you will be one smooth operator when armed with these tips, and will easily be able to waltz away with the prettiest job offer on the recruitment club scene. But you don’t want to settle for a one-night stand. According to Graham and Bitting, you need to be able to commit. “Word travels fast,” they explain, and your reputation as a candidate who loves ‘em and leaves ‘em could cost you your dream job when it finally sashays your way.

On the other hand, if you do run from every long-term job relationship, and instead, spend your time and energy trying to hook up with some rich guy or gal, who will insist on supporting you and your slacker lifestyle, you’ll never go to work again.

And wouldn’t that just break your heart?

When can you retire? Where should you retire? Can you afford to retire? What will you do after you retire? Have you noticed, friend, that everyone is talking about the R-word – retirement?

Frankly, I retired about thirty years ago. I kept working, of course, but I totally gave up any idea of getting ahead at my company or advancing my career. As long as I could do nothing and get paid for it, I was a happy camper.

Being retired at work is not as easy as it may sound. Making your managers believe that you are actually working when you really goofing off takes, well, a lot of work. In addition to scurrying around and pretending to look busy, you also have to make everyone believe that you care – that’s hard. Drop your guard for even a moment and admit to a manager that you think the job is all a bunch of baloney and overnight, you could find yourself welcoming shoppers at Wal-Mart.

Now that I’m approaching retirement age, I see there’s another problem to quitting work, but continuing to receive your paychecks. Now I have to listen to my soon-to-retire coworkers talk about all the wonderful leisure time they will soon be enjoying as they spend their endlessly idle days relaxing with no deadlines and zero responsibilities.

Instead of looking forward to my golden years, I find my self disappointed. Doing nothing all day but relaxing? That’s the way I’ve been living for years!

Unfortunately, even if you are one of those oddballs who have spent the majority of your working life doing real work, retirement is not without its problems. Or so I recently discovered after spending a busy afternoon at the office, hiding in the computer closet, perusing a special section of “The Wall Street Journal” called “Encore: A Guide to Retirement Planning & Living.”

The front page feature of this special section is a “Baby Boomer’s Guide to Social Security,” which contains a number of pressing questions about our nation’s senior citizen retirement plan. But the biggest question of all was not covered – is there anyone who is not currently matriculated in a mental institution who actually believes social security will be there when you need it?

I mean, we’ve all heard the same statistics. In the past me and thee were part of a whole platoon workers coughing up a significant percentage of our paychecks to support all the geezers on social security. But in the future – when you will want to belly up to the trough – the entire burden will rest on the shoulders of a few Gen-X layabouts who, trust me, have little interest in spending their hard-earned cash to make sure your Lime Ricky has a spring of mint.


Of course, you may not be depending on social security to fund your retirement. You may have a fat pension like America’s auto workers and airline employees. Oh, wait a minute. Those pensions turned anorexic, dried-up, curled-up and blew away. At least you have your retirement plan – your IRAs and your 401(k). And let’s face it; nothing is as solid as the stock market. Unless it’s the value in your home.

And you thought retirement was supposed to be fun.

Even if you can afford to retire, you have to figure out what you are going to do in the thirty or forty years modern medical science promises to those of us who make it past 65. Some people choose to do nothing, except snooze and play golf – basically the same activity-- while other retired folks try to “give back” by working for cultural organizations and non-profits.

If you are not a fan of opera or art, a job as bouncer at the Kit Kat Klub is an excellent way to contribute to culture. Choosing a charity is more difficult since the position for which you will be best qualified is recipient.

A retirement choice which is definitely growing in popularity is the concept of a second career. Now that you’ve spend four or five decades screwing up one job, use your remaining days to screw up a brand new occupation. Thus, sales managers become folk singers and folk singers become baristas and baristas become sales managers and around and around we go until we all fall down, dead.

Personally, I never plan to quit working. I hate my job and I’ll never be a success, but trust me, it’s a whole lot easier than retirement.