Work Daze

Bet I can guess the number one thought in your cute little pea brain right
now – you’re thinking about how much fun you’re going to have at work this
holiday season. I can see you now – decorating the tree with multi-colored
Post-It notes…playing secret Santa with the nerds in IT…getting your stomach
pumped after an overdose of egg-nog at the company holiday party!

Can’t you just feel the excitement? Pop the champagne! Peel the jumbo
shrimp! Peel the good little boys and girls in Marketing once the good cheer
starts flowing. It’s like you always say – what happens in the supply closet
stays in the supply closet.

Alas, not everyone will be as fortune as thee and me this holiday season.
While we stuff our face with “bouche de Noel” and our pockets with “bonus de
Noel,” many other workers are having themselves a rather bleak little
Christmas.

The reason this season? It’s the economy, Rudolf. Times are tough all over,
and if your nose isn’t burning quite so bright, it’s probably because no one
can pay the electricity bill. From Wall Street to Main Street the worldwide
economy is careening from recession to depression, and if 2008 looks bad,
2009 looks worse. [In fact, 2009 looks so bad that we’re considering just
skipping it altogether, and moving right into 2010 when the more optimistic
ivory tower pencil pushers see the possibility of a recovery, whatever that
is.]

Because of faltering sales, companies are cutting back – on expenses and on
employees. So, if you’re lucky enough to miss getting a pink slip for
Christmas, don’t be surprised if you get a lump of goal for your bonus. It’s
all the fault of those darn consumers who are too selfish to throw
themselves deeper into debt.

And for heaven’s sake – don’t go blaming management. It’s not the CEOs who
came up with idea of selling and then securitizing rotten mortgage loans
just so they could get bigger bonuses. Oh yes, it was their idea. But it
wasn’t their fault. You have no idea of the cost of an oil change on a
Porsche Carrera 4. But you might – once you start that terrific new job at
the gas station.

Anywho, while many companies will be cutting back on holiday hi-jinks, some
businesses will be pressured to cut them out altogether. I refer, of course,
to the financial institutions who have received bailout money from Uncle
Sam.

Believe it or not, a few sour apples in Congress actually think it is in bad
taste for CEOs who take a few billions to rescue their bank or insurance
company, and then use that money to throw hyper-expensive bacchanals for the
executive team that got the company in the mess in the first place.

Fortunately, I have some good ideas on how we can help businesses break free
from the clanking chains of the party-hardly crowd, and get back to the 100%
American business tradition of party-hearty. These fun activities I have in
mind are so thrifty that even a Scrooge like Barney Frank will have to
approve.

For example, instead of expecting the company to fund the holiday party, why
not offer to host your own soiree? Have all the employees over to your
place. Sure, it might be crowded when two or three hundred depressed,
drunken revelers break into your bungalow, so it’s probably the best plan
not to tell your spouse until the merrymakers arrive. [Tip: schedule the
party for early in December. Wait too long and you could be in foreclosure.]

Another great idea is for all the employees to pool the money they were
going to fritter away on gifts for their children. Instead, buy something
really nice for the executive team. It can’t be pleasant for corporate
royalty to get on their knees and beg for billions, so a nice treat would be
more than welcome. Nothing major. Maybe just some plastic surgery, a new
identity, and the deed to a ranch in Argentina, or Uruguay. Somewhere were
there are no prying eyes and no extradition treaties, either.

Finally, if you can’t find it in your heart, or your wallet, to pay for a
big bash for your company and co-workers, you could always celebrate by
sending a nice gift to me. Email me immediately for a list of my sizes,
since I really could use some new duds. I’d hate to be wearing last season’s
look when I stand in line at the unemployment office.