Work Daze

Good news! I’ve finally figured out why you’re going nowhere in what we laughingly call “your career.” It’s not because you’re lazy and indecisive and ineffectual. It’s not you at all. The real problem is your spouse.

According to an article by Leslie Kaufman in “The New York Times,” major job searches almost invariably include a careful vetting the potential hire’s significant other.

“The spouse has always been a silent part of the executive package,” writes Kaufman, “with committed partners doing everything from packing overnight bags to throwing client-entertaining dinner parties.”

[The last time my spouse packed an overnight bag for me, I wasn’t going on a business trip. But there was my bag, packed with all my possessions, sitting on the front porch at 3 AM when I stumbled home from the Kit Kat Klub. Go figure.]

If a job description includes social activities, the role of the spouse is even more important, and Kaufman points out that “a charming and organized spouse can be a boon to an executive who must rub elbows and raise money.” Don’t think raising money is part of your job? You want regular and significant salary increases, don’t you? In my book, that’s serious money raising.

The spouse must also be supportive of her life mate’s career. If you have a demanding job, an employer doesn’t want a spouse constantly badgering their partner to leave work before midnight, just because some silly family event is taking place, like a fire in the family room, or the birth of a child.

Fortunately, this is not a problem for many of us. Our spouses are more than delighted to have us stay at work, 24/7/365. They know, I suppose, how much we love our jobs. It also leaves them more time to spend with their Palates instructor.

Despite the importance of our spouse in achieving business success, employers are not allowed to subject the significant other to the kind of Abu Gharib interrogations conducted with applicants. There are laws against by discrimination by association, which is one very good reason why no one should ever see you reading this column.

“The significant other has no official duties, after all, and will not be paid,” notes reporter Kaufman, before turning over the podium to Clifford Atlas, a lawyer who specializes in employment law. According to Atlas, “the more you ask someone about their personal lives, the more likely that you will uncover information that should not be considered in the hiring process.”

Why it should spoil a man’s chances for a big new job if the new employer finds out he never puts down the toilet seat, is beyond me. Nor should a hard-charging female executive be penalized simply because she never misses an episode of “Dancing with the Stars.” Still, it does mean that both members of a couple must be very careful about what they say in the job-hunting process. And I’m not just talking about formal interviews.

“Whenever I call a candidate’s house,” says executive recruiter Melanie Kusin, “I invariably get the spouse and always try and stay on the phone as long as possible. It can give you such a different window into who that person is.”

A window or a door. Train your spouse never to reveal any more than name, rank and serial number. If you can’t come to the phone because you’re sprawled out on the floor, drunk, there’s no reason for your spouse to reveal this information to a recruiter. All they have to say is something totally neutral and completely understandable, like “I’m sorry they aren’t available. They’ve gone out to score some crack cocaine.”

If you must introduce your spouse be sure to school him or her in the ways of business.

For example, instead of starting a dinner with a wimpy drink, like a wine spritzer, they must order a shot and a beer. The boilermaker should be knocked back before the waiter leaves, and a round of Jell-0 shots ordered right away. This shows that your spouse is a fun person to have at management retreats. And make sure your spouse sends back her meal two or three times. This shows decisiveness. Finally, instruct your spouse to demean you in public, dressing you down for a variety of marital bad decisions and foul-ups. This shows you can take criticism and follow orders, no matter how erratic and insane.

That way, if you don’t get the job, they’ll definitely give it to your spouse.