Work Daze

Office walls do not a prison make. Or do they?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been sitting here all morning, waiting for
government intervention to save my sorry assets. Since our politicians have
extended a helping hand to the financial industry – after first putting that
helping hand into your pocket – I don’t think it’s too much to expect the
Fed to bail out the disaster that is your personal cash flow situation. I’m
not saying your balance sheet is out of balance, but let’s be realistic here
– if it wasn’t for the spare change you dig out of the reception room
couches, you’d never be able to afford the luncheon buffet at the Kit Kat
Klub.

As bad as your personal situation may be, at least, you have a job. This is
more than can be said by a passel of predators who, until very recently,
worked in the financial services industry. After years of buying and selling
worthless securities, and rarely making more than one or ten million dollars
a year for their efforts, these poor rich devils are suddenly thrown out of
work – unable to pay the mortgages on their penthouses or buy gas for their
Aston-Martins. [Or they will be until they are hired by the Treasury
Department to purchase the bad investments they once peddled.]

No disaster is without its redeeming aspects, of course, and in the case of
our current money meltdown, I have found comfort in the advice being
lavished on the jobless multitudes. Consider Phyllis Korkki, the Career
Couch columnist for “The New York Times,” who just issued a ukase to the
edgy employed titled, “How to Protect Your Job in a Stormy Industry.”

Ms. Korkki focuses her advice on the folks in financial services, but I
believe her ideas have value for a wide variety of occupations in our
storm-battered economy. For example:

• Don’t let rumor and fear take over.

“Fear is your biggest enemy right now,” says Marc Cenedella of
TheLadders.com. Personally, I always thought our biggest enemy was the HR
department, but Cenedella may have a point. “Don’t rely on the rumor mill
for your information,” adds columnist Korkki, and that will truly be a
challenge, since the biggest and fastest-spinning water wheel in the rumor
mill is y-o-u.

Because it will be impossible for you to stop whispering sweet somethings
into the ears of your co-workers, perhaps you can reach a compromise. You’ll
continue to gossip, but you’ll only spread good news. “The company is in
great shape.” “No way there will be lay-offs.” “The boss really likes your
work.”

Keep up the flow of good gossip until everyone feels comfortable and
relaxed. That will give you time to slip into the good graces of management
and save your job when everyone else gets the boot.

• Develop a personal relationship with the boss.

“It’s hard to fire someone that you know and you like personally,” says
Stephen Viscusi, author of “Bulletproof Your Job.” This may be true, but
it’s amazing how many managers manage to triumph over their personal
affection and get out the hatchet. A pink slip may be easier to take when
it’s delivered with a hug, but it’s still a pink slip all the same.

With mass firings imminent, it may be difficult to develop that deep and,
hopefully, lasting relationship with your hiring – and firing – manager. You
could invite him or her out to a leisurely candlelit dinner, where you could
share your innermost feelings over a nice bottle of Ukrainian Burgundy, but
let’s be real – time is not on your side. That’s why I suggest you use a
gift to seal your special relationship with your manager. Ten thousand
dollars in cash from your 401(k) wire transferred to your manager’s Swiss
bank account is a wonderful way to say, “I like you.” And a darn good
investment, as well.

• Assess & differentiate

Mark Anderson, of ExecuNet, suggests you determine “what problems you solve
for your current employer.” This won’t be easy. May I suggest: you keep your
desk chair from floating away by sitting in it. Or, you set a low for
performance so other employees look better. Don’t underestimate the
contribution you make by not making much of a contribution at all! Someone
has to be the worst worker in the company, and better it be thee than me.

Anderson also suggests you “avoid blaming your former company or boss for
your current situation.” That’s ridiculous! After all, they were dumb enough
to hire you in the first place.