Work Daze

Hate to bum you out, bub, but our economy stinks. The price of everything from bread to butter is going up, as you would quickly see if you could afford gasoline to drive to the store. Everything is rising, except our salaries. I suppose it’s unpatriotic, but I’m getting a tad tired of fighting inflation by keeping my wages low and my prospects even lower.

Kimberly Bishop agrees. According to a press release that just bounced into my inbox, the Vice Chairman of Slayton Search Partners/Boardroom Consultants stands ready to help those of us who are suffering from worry inflation and optimism deflation.

The harsh economic realities are unavoidable, but life must still go on. That's the heart of Ms. Bishop’s message according to her flack. And I am 100% in accord. With all the money we owe MasterCard, Visa and American Express, they’re simply not going to let us give up now.

Unfortunately, the email from the Vice Chairman's spokesperson does not provide a lot of comfort to those us stuck in this sticky employment environment. "Continuing hard times mean that more people are getting laid off everyday,” the firm's press release points out, “and they are discouraged about their prospects for finding their next job.”

So, what’s the answer -- job seekers must be more proactive about looking for their next opportunity. [You know what it means to be proactive, don't you? It’s like the energy you put into racing to the coffee room after a big meeting in the hope of finding leftover jelly donuts.]

While Ms. Bishop's press release does not provide a whole lot of answers, she does suggest some interesting questions. And if you’re not yet sufficiently depressed and despondent, let’s explore a few of the employment disasters that may await you:

• The struggle facing people who have been in the workforce for two decades or more.

There is a real problem here, but the boardroom consultants are sugar coating it. What she means to say is – the struggles facing people who are OLD. Her solution for horribly, irreversibly, ancient workers is to “refresh their resumes, quantify their experience, and showcase their skills to survive in this fiercely competitive environment.” And while you’re at it, it might make sense to refresh your wrinkled forehead with Restylane injections.

As for quantifying your experience, that might be difficult to do. Personally, I believe that anyone who has managed to stay employed for two decades or more must have a plethora of valuable skills, like the ability to look busy when there’s no work to do, and the gift of appearing to care about the business when your true passion concerns whether or not the reconciliation of Spencer and Heidi on “The Hills” will survive until the end of Season 5.

• The difficulties confronting working parents who have been laid off and need to land a job as soon as possible.

This horrible economy is especially rough on parents who not only need to provide a German SUV to deliver their children to pre-school, but must also satisfy the tiny tots in their desire for Gucci lunch boxes and Clone Wars action figures. The press release from Vice Chairman Bishop's firm is right to suggest that parents in the workforce need to find jobs that offer flexibility, but she fails to note that working parents have a tremendous advantage – they can put their children to work.

Many major US corporations are downsizing in the efforts to cut costs. What better way to quite literally reduce overhead than to fire the Wharton graduates and hire a bunch of elementary school graduates. How often have you commented that your boss’s job could be done by any kindergartener? How frequently has your manager pointed out that your juvenile behavior in the workplace is better suited for the playground?

Besides, you always said your place of business was a sweat shop. Putting your 7-year old to work will prove it.

• Workers in their late 20’s and early 30’s don’t realize that now could be the time for them to make a move to the next level.

Absolutely! Just because you’re young and dumb doesn’t mean you aren’t management material. Leverage your youthful energy and volunteer to do the work of those 40- and 50-year folks who are just taking up space. Don’t feel guilty about displacing some aging Boomer. You’ll never get old and need to hang on to a job with your fingernails.

After all, that’s what’s so good about a bad economy. It allows companies to replace old deadwood with new deadwood.