Work Daze

This doesn’t apply to me, because I retired the day I started working, but
for someone like you, who has been laboring, striving, succeeding and
achieving, the idea of jumping off the treadmill may be a tad unsettling.
In fact, it is the inability to visualize a life without a job that leaves
many people completely unprepared for the moment when the grim reaper of
retirement waltzes into your cubical to announce that it’s time to log off –
forever.

This lack of planning is one reason why people who are successful in the
workplace are such failures at retirement. How else can you explain all the
folks who spend their sunset years as bitter old codgers, occupying park
benches and bar stools from nine to five, complaining about the “good old
days,” when a day’s pay bought a day’s work, and there were no wise-acre,
know-it-all kids to tell you how to do your job.

[Of course, there were wise-acre know-it-all kids, but there was a
difference – those kids were you.]

Fortunately for everyone approaching the retirement zone, Sarah E. Needleman
has come to your rescue with her “90 Days” column in “The Wall Street
Journal.” Interviewing a bunch of workplace experts, who –surprisingly –
did not include me, Needleman reports that a successful retirement requires
an exit strategy. And no, she isn’t referring to your habit of sneaking out
the fire exit at 3 PM.

As you’d expect, AARP, the American Association of Retired Peons, is ready
to chime in. CEO Tom Nelson insists that retired people “really want to have
a sense of meaning and purpose.” I’m not sure that is true since most of us
have been working all our adult lives without any meaning and purpose, but
who am I to deny you the opportunity to prepare for the day when you can
respond to the alarm clock by meaningfully and purposefully rolling over and
going back to sleep.

Here are the recommended steps to a successful retirement:

• Create a healthcare fund

You’ll want to put money aside if you’re concerned about making it to
Medicare. Two or three million should cover it, assuming you buy generic,
and purchase a do-it-yourself acupuncture kit. Drew Denning, a honcho at
Principal Financial Group, suggests you get a physical before your current
health-insurance plan expires. This way you’ll learn if you are in a
high-risk category that insurers routinely avoid as they follow their very
sensible plan of providing insurance only to those who do not need it.

• Develop a long-term budget

Hate to break it to you, but one of the nasty, hidden facts about retirement
is that you don’t get a paycheck. This seems unfair, considering how little
work you did when you were actually on the job. Your budget should include
the new expenses that are likely to occur during your retirement years, such
as the cost of purchasing pens, paper clips, computer terminals and office
furniture, now that you’ll have to buy these items instead of pilfering
them. Also, you’ll no longer have an expense account, so those lavish
lunches at the Kit Kat Klub will be on your tab. And now that you won’t be
scrounging the leftovers of important meetings, do remember to budget an
addition few hundred dollars per month for donuts.

• Join your alumni network

Bad news – you will now have to start courting all those obnoxious
co-workers who you successfully avoided at the office. These contacts “can
expose you to volunteer or consulting opportunities,” according to David
Smith of Accenture Ltd. Or, if you prefer to supplement your income without
actually working, ex-office mates can be a wonderful resource for your
blackmailing efforts. Those furtive cell-phone photos you took at the summer
picnic could provide a handy income stream in your dotage.

• Plan ways to stay active

Do volunteer work, take up a hobby, enroll in classes, or pursue a part-time
job, advises AARP’s Mr. Nelson. “You really want to have a sense of meaning
and purpose.” Perhaps, but if you’re going to run around like a crazy
person, you might as well fill your time by going back to work. No one paid
attention to you when you were employed, so it’s unlikely they’ll notice you
now. And since you have nothing to lose, you may even become the upbeat,
committed contributor management always wanted. Just be careful you don’t
get promoted. That kind of success could take all the fun out of retirement.