Work Daze

Trapped like rats in our cubical maze, our every move monitored, our every keystroke counted, no one could blame you if you harbor the dream of escaping the office to work from home. I mean, can’t you just see it? You’re free from snooping supervisors. Combative co-workers can’t bother you. And, of course, you have the most excellent advantage of being able to work in your bunny pajamas.

As wonderful as all these perks can be, they pale in significance when you realize that working at home means there is zero possibility that you will have to participate in the latest abuse to hit the workforce. I refer, of course, to the hit reality TV show – “The Singing Office.”

If you’re scared by Survivor, and know in your heart that one more episode of America’s Next Top Model will make you America’s Next Top Meltdown, The Singing Office on TLC is one reality horror show that will definitely have you cringing in your cubical.

The concept of the show is quite simple. Two militantly likeable hosts, Mel B and Joey Fatone, visit typical offices across America, looking for the best singers and dancers in the American workforce to compete for a top prize of $50,000.

In case you’ve been too busy working to pick up a copy of “People,” or have simply been living under a rock, Mel B, AKA Scary Spice, is an English celebrity icon, and Joey Fatone is a former member of everyone’s favorite boy band, N’ Sync. [Well, who did you expect? Dame Judi Dench and Bono?]

In the episode I watched, Joey descends on the Allen Edwards Hair Salon and Mel B. drops in on the corporate offices of 1-800-dentist. If you think your worklife gets crazy when a royal visit from corporate headquarters is expected, you won’t be surprised by the total pandemonium which occurs when these two semi-demi-stars start knocking on cubical doors, asking ordinary working stiffs to sing, dance and cavort for the camera.

Eventually, five of the lame and the deluded are captured by the interlopers. Their reward is a ticket to The Singing Office “boot camp,” a whacked out version of a team-building retreat, where the participants practice their song and dance routines, while demonstrating the kind of bickering and back-biting that has made Julie Chen a star, and turned us into a nation of voyeurs.

I can’t imagine how “The Singing Office” is doing in the ratings, but I do know it’s going to turn you into a nervous wreck. After years of meditation and medication you are finally able to sit at your desk and not go febrile when visited by your manager, your IT person, or one of the demons from hell, otherwise known as HR. But now that you also have to worry about a big pop-in by Mel B or Joey F, with camera crew in tow, I doubt you can make it until your 10 AM naptime.

Are you being paranoid? Probably, but remember that the entire office heard you Karaoke your way through “You Light Up My Life” at the office’s summer solstice party. No wonder you feel like there’s a target on your forehead.

Which brings us back to the one chance we have to escape The Singing Office – working from home.

According to Sue Shellenbarger’s “Work & Family” column in “The Wall Street Journal,” there are a number of web sites that specialize in “at home” positions. There’s Elance.com and oDesk.com, two sites where you can “slug it out” with workers all around the globe. [Think global competition is daunting? Don’t. Thanks to our most excellent politicians, our dollar is worth so little now that you may actually have a price advantage over your competitor in Bangalore.]

Working as a virtual assistant is one position that will definitely keep you out of the office. If you’ve spent your entire career bowing and scraping to a series of ineffectual executives, TeamDoubleclick.com offers you the choice of many slave labor positions. And since you’re working from home, you won’t have to deal with Ms. Big’s blow-up when you route her from Chicago to Kansas City by way of Slovenia.

Writing a workplace humor column is another gig you can do at home. I’d be happy to explain how you, too, can make Bob-size megabucks, but the doorbell just rang and look – it’s Joey and Mel B!

Now, what in the world do you think they want?