Work Daze

What can you say about some who can't tell the difference between an office
romance and a tray of deli meats? To quote the estimable Mr. T – “I pity the fool!”

And I do. But there is one individual who does understand the link between a serious relationship with a hunk and a hunk of turkey breast. That’s Oscar Meyer. Yes, the first – and last – name in b-a-l-o-n-e-y is no baloney when it comes to charting the ossilations of osculations in the office. So involved are the meatmeisters in moving from a slice of ham to a slice of life, I could almost believe that sexual obsession is circulating in the Oscar Meyer executive suite, not unsurprising when the most exciting part of your day is shrink-wrapping shards of cured, diced pork.

How else would you explain the recent survey fielded by Oscar’s minions, the results of which have been recently emailed to Work Daze headquarters? “Office romances are heating up across the country,” the urgent communication states. “Single employees are engaging in love connections on the job.”

[In my day, love connections – whatever those are – were not limited to single employees. Obviously, married employees are having their cold cuts at home, and their love affairs, as well.]

Not one to rush to rash conclusions, Oscar Meyer makes their shocking revelation based on the results of a scientific survey. 1,046 men and women were surveyed by Impulse Research Corporation, which certainly should have a grip on the average employee’s basic need to grab onto something in these difficult times, whether it is a secure job or the new intern in human resources.

The results of this research project reveal that “nearly seven out of 10 Americans have engaged in an office romance at one point in their careers.” Considering the inmates and oddballs in the offices where I have served out consecutive life sentences, I don’t buy it. I think what they meant to say is that seven out of 10 Americans nearly engaged in an office romance. Like the time the new receptionist demanded you take her to the coat closet for a passionate interlude, or, would have done so, if she didn’t find you a disgusting, repulsive, old perv with the sex appeal of a turnip.

[On the other, she – or he – simply could have been one of the 40% of Americans who feel that a romantic relationship at work is “not appropriate.” Since this leaves 60% of the office staff who is looking for love in all the wrong cubicles, it should encourage you to persevere in your attempt to find Mr. or Ms. Right at work. To which I say – don’t let anything deter you, unless, of course, it’s another restraining order.]

75% of all surveyed admitted to having a crush on a colleague, and I think we all know how unsatisfying unrequited office love can be. How many times have you fallen for a hunky IT technician who has spun your hard drive and calibrated your mouse? But you never knew how to make your move. Now you do!

Don’t send flowers. Don’t write sonnets. Just give deli meats.

Here at last is the missing link between love and liverwurst. Follow me now, through the tangled reasoning of the sex-crazed Oscar Meyer execs. Because we American office workers are randy and ready, and because we are all working so hard we have no time to socialize, the invention of the “new hot and melty flatbread sandwiches” you know as Oscar Meyer Deli Creations, allows romance to blossom between love-starved wage slaves sharing a “hot and melty” lunch break.

Got it? Traditional gambits such as cocktails after work or putting roofies in the break-room coffee pot are as old-fashioned as chasing the boss around the desk. “Almost half of the survey respondents think the lunch hour is the best time of day to get to know a fellow colleague,” the survey finds. Assuming your collegial love bunny isn’t allergic to pastrami, Oscar Meyer can hook you up.

Now that you know that the way to a co-workers’ heart is through their stomach -- as long as their stomach is filled with provolone and mortadella – I can only encourage you to get out there and start lunching. And when the wedding bells start ringing for you and your office hottie, don’t forget who got you there.

Remember -- Oscar Meyer Deli Creations are perfect for weddings, honeymoons, and long dreamy afternoons together at the unemployment office.