Work Daze

Shame on you!

I don’t mean to scold, but your behavior at work has seriously disappointed me and, if you could be honest with yourself for a change, it has disappointed you, as well. So now you know who is to blame if I have to get punitive with your puny self – nobody but Y-O-U.

That’s right! Thanks to you, I won’t be using these precious 750 words we have together to discuss a spiffy new self-help, self-analysis, self-selfless book called “Who Are You and What Do You Want, A Journey for the Best of Your Life.” This is a pity, people, since the authors, two perky PhD’s, Mick Ukleja and Robert Lober, have a breathtaking, breakthrough concept, Four Dimensional Thinking, which requires only that you ask yourself four key questions to “refocus, plan and get the best out of your life.”

Only four questions and you could get a grip on topics such as “Self Esteem and Reflection, Prioritization, Entrepreneurial Spirit, Love and Relationships, Mentoring, Growing Your Business, Challenging Your Mind, and Settling Life Goals.” But why bother? The authors could throw in tips for a truly valuable skill, like “Growing Mushrooms in Your Bottom Desk Drawer,” and you still wouldn’t have time to answer their four questions.

Not you! Not when you’re spending every billable hour discussing the latest results of that dopiest of all TV shows, American Idol.

Yes, I know about your secret obsession with Ryan Seacrest and the video bafflegab that every year sets out to find the greatest pop star no one will remember five minutes after the season is over. If it’s any comfort, you are not alone in obsessing on who Paula loves and Simon slams. According to the Spherion Snapshot Survey, a full 33 percent of American workers are frittering away the hours between nine and five with endless, over the cubical wall discussions and debates over which of the Davids will be voted off and on and on and on. [Yes, dogg, it was tragic that Syesha was eliminated. Let’s shut down all the telephones in the sales department for two hours in mourning.]

Not surprisingly, only 17% of workers polled say they are conducting their Idol pre- and post mortems during working hours. Hard to believe, but I guess you’ve finally figured out it’s better to lie to the Spherion Snapshot than admit to management that you and your fellow yentas are getting paid big bucks to debate whether Archulta senior is helping or hurting Archuleta junior.

Of course, not everyone is so childish and churlish to waste the company’s money talking about a truly dumb TV show like American Idol. 21% of you have decided to waste the company’s money talking about the even more colossally foolish and really quite embarrassing Dancing with the Stars.

Whether you are an Idol idol or a Dancing devote, you have plenty of company in America’s workforce. As the survey shows, men and women from almost every age group are deeply committed to skipping work to talk TV. Some of you – about 40% -- even justify your unjustifiable behavior by claiming that “talking about television increases office camaraderie.” This may be true, but you might want to poll management on the issue. I haven’t asked the nosey parkers at Spherion, but my guess is that a certain percentage of bosses would rather have less camaraderie, more productivity. Say 99.99%!

Fortunately, these brutally-fought contests will soon be over and with nothing to distract you except American Gladiator, you may be able to find time for the important matters. I don’t mean work. I refer to the four questions that are the heart of Four Dimensional Thinking.

They are:

Who are you and what do you want?
Where are you and why are you there?
What will you do and how will you do it?
Who are your allies and how can they help you?

Because I know you’re busy discussing how in the world Jason Taylor could be a finalist after his pathetic performance in the paso doble, I’ll answer for you. Let’s see: you’re a big loser and you don’t want anyone to know it. Where you are is stuck in a nowhere job and you’re there because no one else would hire you. What you will do is try to hang on as long as you can, a feat you will accomplish mostly by hiding. And you have no allies. Everyone hates you.

What else can I say? Except – let’s dance!