Work Daze

I’ve never been more shocked in my life!

According to a recent survey from the Nosey Norberts at CareerBuilder.com, nearly 25% of workers admit to making up fake excuses when they’re late for work.

Personally, I think being late for work is an unforgivable sin. When you’re late, you get a lot of attention and you usually have to work hours longer for every minute you missed. That’s why I recommend that you always arrive at work on time, if not a little early. It also doesn’t hurt to announce your presence with a hearty “Good morning, fellow team members!” shouted from the depths of your cubical.

It doesn’t matter if you’re only talking to the few losers who actually come in early on purpose. With this simple ploy you will gain the respect of your managers who will ignore you for the rest of the day, allowing you to goof off in peace and quiet until it’s time to slip off your slippers, put your teddy bear back in your bottom desk drawer, and sneak out the fire escape at 3 PM.

If you’re a late liar, don’t think you’re going to get credit for the creativity of your excuse. I don’t know how many times I’ve related in graphic and dramatic terms worthy of an episode of “Law & Order”, the kittens I’ve saved from trees, and the baby carriages I caught before they careened down the hillside. My manager still thinks I’m a slacker.

As you might expect, the survey results show that a majority of the 2757 employers surveyed – 67% to be exact – “would consider terminating an employee if he or she arrives late several times a year.” The other 33% “say they don’t mind if their employees are late as long as their work is completed on time with good quality.”

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather work for one of the skeptics and face termination on a daily basis, then have to deal with a boss who has unreasonable expectations. It should be enough that, late or not, you show up at all. Who could possibly live with a supervisor who actually expects “quality?”

Perhaps the most surprising part of the survey concerns the specific excuses your fellow workers are using to explain the basic human desire to ignore the alarm clock, pull the covers over your head, and sleep until Oprah. Which is exactly the excuse used by 17% of the 6,987 workers surveyed. They overslept.

7% blamed “a long commute,” a particularly lame excuse because it opens you up to a management demand that you sleep in your car in the parking lot, like the rest of the underpaid plebes whose homes have been foreclosed. The same problem exists with the most popular excuse, clocking in at 32%, in which the tardy employee puts the blame on traffic.

[Don’t expect sympathy from your boss when you use the “stuck in morning traffic on the way to the office” excuse. It was your bonehead decision to go home the night before.]

I suppose there’s good news in learning the 73% of managers surveyed actually buy their employees’ reasons for being late for work. Could it be that our bosses are actually as dumb as we’ve always believed? You must have respect for the 27% who “say they are skeptical of the excuses.” Hey, if you knew your managers were so sharp, you’d probably never have floated that story about your identical twin to explain why you were seen dancing on top of the bar of the Kit Kat Klub with two of the new interns.

If the results of this survey prove less than helpful, the Snoopy Sallys at CareerBuilder.com have done us a solid by providing a list of the “most unusual excuses employees offered for arriving late to work.” I suggest you cut and paste in on the steering wheel of your car:

• “While rowing across the river to work, I got lost in the fog.”
• “Someone stole all my daffodils.”
• “I had to go audition for American Idol.”
• “I wasn’t thinking and accidentally went to my old job.”
• “The line was too long at Starbucks.”

Pure gold, but here’s my favorite, since it combines an excuse with a plea for a higher salary:

• “I didn’t have money for gas, and all the pawn shops were closed.”

Better get in late, early tomorrow if you want to use it before I do.