Work Daze

Think about it, Dude. If it’s tough coming back to work after a single week-end, imagine the strain on the psyche when you have to drag yourself back into the workplace after being out of the office for a year, or more.

It could happen.

In a recent survey, the online job site CareerBuilder.com had their survey monkeys interview 6,852 worker monkeys and came up with the supposedly good news that even after 12 months off, forty-five percent of respondents found themselves back in harness within one month. Another one-third of the drop-outs had dropped back in after six months of hunting and groveling, while a mere 14 percent were on the job hunt for over a year before bagging a space in the employee parking lot.

I say this is “supposedly” good news because I have no doubt that even after a year of cranking out resumes, the new hires knew within the first minute of their first day that a terrible mistake had been made. They should have stayed home.

If you are one of those people who has broken out of employment prison and now want to tunnel back in, or if you are currently employed and are dreaming of a week-end that lasts, oh, ten years, Rosemary Haefner, Vice President of Human Resources at CareerBuilder.com, offers hope.

“Employers are struggling to find skilled labor and are recruiting qualified employees before the competition has a chance to do so,” Ms. Haefner explains. “Even in a tighter job market, skilled workers re-entering the workforce after a leave of absence can find good opportunities and competitive compensation packages.”

[It could be true. Look around your workplace. I’ll bet your company’s managers are “struggling to find skilled labor.” Unfortunately, they’re trying to find these rare birds among the current flock of employees. As far “competitive compensation” goes, that’s a subjective matter altogether. Look how much you get paid to hide behind your work station from 9 to 5, surfing the web for bargain Ferragamos at zappos in-between grouching and gossiping with the other malcontents.]

“Medical reasons” are the primary motivators for most workers who have taken an extended period of time off. I assume these “medical reasons” include psychological problems, like waking up one morning and realizing that you can not possibly spend one more boring day with one more idiot manager doing one more futile task. There’s a name for this condition. It’s called sanity.

“Raising a family” is another popular explanation for abandoning the work force, but I think this is bogus. Every day at work is another day you are raising your family – your work family. I mean, someone has to set limits for obstreperous human resource vice presidents and nurture cute interns who are looking for guidance from an experienced denizen of the workplace.

Surprisingly, only 13% of the stay-at-home crowd cited “to relax and enjoy life” as a reason for leaving their jobs. Perhaps that’s because 87% of workers are like you and me – we goof off so much and accomplish so little that the best way to “relax and enjoy life” is to go to work.

The survey does provide some wise advice for those unwise individuals who want to re-enlist in the job corps. Many candidates “perceived a concern amongst employers that they would once again leave the workforce.” You could have seen that one coming a mile away. Bosses want to hire people who have skills, yes, but the most important skill required to get a job is the ability to look like you care.

“Yes, sir, Ms. Hiring Manager. Selling digital dental devices in Denver has been a dream of mine since I was 10-years old.”

If you have committed the unforgivable sin of leaving your post for some frivolous reason, like having a baby, or open heart surgery, there are ways you can prove your commitment. Chaining yourself to a fichus in your potential employer’s reception room shows you’re not going anywhere. Or arrive at the preliminary interview with a tent, a knapsack, and a sleeping bag. And don’t be afraid to weep mournfully when the hiring manager shows you to the door.

“If I don’t get to work here, I’m not losing a job,” you sniff. “I’m losing a friend.”

One other problem recycled workers must face is how to explain there time off the reservation. I suggest telling potential employers that you were federal prison. It’s harsh, I know, but it’s a whole lot better than admitting you quit “to relax and enjoy life.”