Work Daze

No, no, no! I’m not crying. It’s just a little dust from my desktop that got in my eye. I do so little work around here, that dust and debris tends to pile up, and lately, the cleaning staff has been ignoring me. I guess they didn’t like the shiny new quarters I handed out for Christmas presents.

Or maybe it’s powdered sugar that got in my eyes. I downed that last box of donuts pretty quickly, and my stomach is covered with white powder. It looks just like Mount Rainier. This emotional eating at work has got to stop. Or perhaps, I need to switch to Bear Claws.

Or maybe I should just have a good cry. I certainly have plenty to cry about, and unless I miss my guess, so do you. Let’s face it – thanks to our current economic mess, our jobs have gotten harder; our bosses have gotten meaner, and our opportunities for advancement have gotten thinner. In fact, almost everything has gotten thinner, except our waistlines.

As appealing as it may seem to cook up a breakdown, you may be concerned about the message it would send to your colleagues and supervisors. And you would be right to be concerned. According to Peggy Klaus, “a top communication and executive coach whose client list reads like a who’s who of corporate America,” crying in the workplace is a definite no-no.

“Crying derails discussions and makes co-workers and the boss feel very uncomfortable,” Klaus counsels. “Further it makes male colleagues view you as not being tough enough and female perceive it as manipulation to get what you want.”

This makes sense. You certainly don’t want to make your boss feel uncomfortable, right? Bosses who are uncomfortable may act irrationally and decide to take rash actions, like ending their own lives or, more likely, your career. At the same time, you don’t want to make your male colleagues view you as a wuss. Even if the reason for your tears is a major life crisis, like the coffee room vending machine running out of Gummy Bears, co-workers who see you cry may consider you easy prey, and make you do their homework or give you wedgies at staff meetings.

Having the female staff view you as a manipulative brat also has dire consequences. The ladies in your organization could gang up on you, and kick you out of the popular clique or give you wedgies at staff meetings.

In fact, it is to women that consultant Klaus is directing her remarks. Inspired by Hillary Clinton’s inspired bit of tearmanship in the New Hampshire primary, Klaus is concerned with the plight of female workers who are “fearful as coming off as overly emotional, and thus, taking self-control to an extreme, appearing unauthentic, stiff or even unfeeling.”

While I certainly appreciate the problems that face women as they break out of their traditional gender roles, I must criticize Klaus for not being more sympathetic to the male of the species. We men also have to stifle our inner crybaby.

Ms Klaus explains the female orientation of her work by pointing to research by biochemist William Frey, a Minneapolis-based balling expert, who found that women on the average cry four times more a month than men (5.3 versus 1.4 times.)

For me, this research only proves that women are better able to handle job disappointments and career downdrafts. Most men I know have reason to cry 50.3 times a month, yet only manage to turn on the waterworks a measly 1.4 times. The other 49 times we’re holed up in the coat closet, sniveling quietly and wiping our noses on the boss’s Armani.

Another scientist in the crying game, Boston University psychologist, Dr. Leslie Brody, reports that “men in conflict turn feelings of anger against the other person, whereas women turn their feelings against themselves.” This may be true, but I find that women are really good at hiding their feelings. For example, when I announced that I was resigning from my current position and would be leaving the company forever, the only crying I witnessed from the office manager, the HR director and my direct supervisor were cries of delight. Clearly, these women were blaming themselves and compensating for their inner pain by pretending to be happy. Of course, when I told them I was kidding, and would never even think of leaving, their reaction was pure Hillary.

Poor women. Does anyone have a hanky?