Work Daze

Does the workplace make you mad? Are you chewing through #2 pencils until they crack? Bending paper clips until they cry uncle?

In short, is your temper short and your fuse shorter?

If you are angry in the workplace, I say – congratulations. Your rage shows that you still have hope. The only way you can be angry at your office is if you believe that it is somehow possible for conditions to be better.

If you want to disagree with me, do so at your own peril. People who disagree with my perception of anger make me very angry. Yet I’m not angry with Israel “Izzy” Kalman, a guy who thinks anger in the workplace – anger anyplace – is a problem.

Kalman, who is described in his publicity materials as a “nationally renown lecturer and school psychologist,” is the author of “Bullies to Buddies: How to Turn Your Enemies Into Friends.” In the book and in his nationally renowned lectures, Izzy shares “quick, powerful methods for teaching people to transform themselves from victims into winners.”

And if you don’t successfully make the transformation and disarm your temper, he beats you to a bloody pulp. [Just kidding, Izzy. Put down your dukes.]

Apparently Izzy and his organization consider me a victim and a threat, because I recently received an e-vite to attend one of the Kalman anger control seminars for free. From the looks of the email, it appears that Izzy is making the offer to a large group of reporters, but you can’t fool me – he’s really targeting me, but doesn’t want to take the chance of making me blow my top.

[In fact, I have never been a “screamer” at work. And though I have often wanted to be one of those people who send co-workers scurrying as they move through the hallways, a ticking bomb in Florsheims, my cuddly, kitty-cat personality was never up to the job. My loss. As you have probably noticed, while most companies discourage intense confrontation, a heated discussion rising from a passionate point of view is often considered a sign of being emotional invested in the business.] [I know it seems weird, but some people are obsessed with their job – you know, sort of like how we feel about “Celebrity Fit Club.”]

Kalman, who developed his techniques as a school counselor, has expanded his practice from schoolyard bullies to workplace baddies. In his opinion, “almost all problems in life involve anger. Anger destroys relationships, makes us depressed, and generates chemicals that eat away at us at the cellular level.” Now that makes me mad.

His materials are less clear about the techniques used to control anger, and this is understandable – the man has trade secrets and we shouldn’t expect him to give away the store. From what I can glean from his promotional material, what Izzy offers is a “copyrighted structured role-playing technique to make anger disappear effortlessly, and life immediately begins to get better.”

Since our careers are based on a structured role-playing technique, Izzy’s methods are likely to work for us. Even better, Kalman’s key technique is something called “the game – the single most effective and fun way ever devised for teaching anger control.”

According to its creator, “the game” is much more effective in anger control than the more traditional methods of deep breathing or counting to ten. This is good news since counting to ten requires math skills we don’t possess, and deep breathing would interfere with the loud, mournful sighs that get us through the long afternoons.

The technique is so effective, says Izzy, that he “accomplishes in one sessions what is often missed in months and years of regular talking therapy.”

Should you wish to take advantage of the Kalman method of anger control, you will be happy to know that his seminars are given throughout the country. He would probably also come and speak to the angry folks at your company, which could be a great career opportunity for you. With all the infuriated, exasperated and aggravated employees off playing “the game,” we lazy, laid-back louts could take over the company.

One last point – if Izzy’s techniques really do work, be careful about appearing too much in control. If your career suffers from the general impression that you really don’t care about the sales of widgets in Winnemucca, a good explosion of rage at the nearest co-worker or computer or soda machine can often result in an explosive promotion.

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