Work Daze

Have you got a secret? I’ve got a secret. To be more specific, I’ve got a
secret about The Secret, the same secret Secret that you’ve heard about on
Oprah and Larry King.

On the off-chance that management at your workplace does not give you sixty
minutes every afternoon to watch Oprah, let me fill in a bit of the back
story. The Secret is the name of a self-help book that teaches you a
technique for getting everything you ever wanted, as long as what you wanted
wasn’t avoiding self-help books. According to TheSecret.tv, the web site,
the secret has been known to successful individuals like Plato, Newton,
Carnegie, Beethoven, Shakespeare, and Einstein. But these tight-mouth
individuals kept The Secret secret, unlike one Rhonda Byrne, an Australian
television mogul who not only discovered The Secret, but decided to blab
about it.

And blab she did. Now everyone can learn The Secret in books, CDs, and DVDs.
The Secret has become so well known it has even spawned an industry of its
own, comprising of publicity-hungry hangers-on who are hoping to ride on the
skirts of The Secret with their own programs entitled The Secret Behind The
Secret, and The Secret of The Secret.

I am happy to announce that one of those low-life publicity suckers is me.

And what is The Secret? What is the power that is guaranteed to bring you
“unlimited joy, health, money, relationships, love, youth: everything you
have ever wanted?”

It’s called the Law of Attraction. Basically, like attracts like. So if you
put out positive vibes you will receive positive vibes in return. This is
the way you get the big bucks and the big love, unlike the meager money and
the marginal relationships that are currently attracted to the cynical,
snarky vibes you are now projecting.

To question whether any of this nonsense really works represents the kind of
negative energy that we secret-people abjure, especially when it comes to
the workplace. Thus I was quite smitten when the positive energy I project
in my desperation for relevant topics for these weekly sermons was answered
with a positive press release on the subject of using The Secret at work.

Dr. Noelle Nelson, author of the book, “The Power of Appreciation in
Business” is the latest glockenspiel to join The Secret bandwagon, ringing
in with tips for employers on the radical concept that companies that
demonstrate how much they value their workers receive, in return, “increased
performance, productivity and profits.”

For employers, Dr. Nelson advises management to “reward employees for good
work on a spontaneous and unanticipated basis” by “catching your employees
in the act of doing something right.” Looking beyond the implication that we
workers do so little right that it takes an effort to find anything to
value, I do endorse the idea of a management team out to “catch” their
employees.

I look forward to the day when I find a supervisor hiding under my desk or
curled up in a file cabinet, ready to spring into action when I manage to
pick up the phone within 20 rings, or admit to a good customer that I was
only joking when I answered, “You have reached our Bangalore call center.
Please hold until I finish this bowl of curry.”

Employees also can rely on The Secret, according to Dr. Nelson, who suggests
that “on your way to work each day, try to think of one thing you like about
your job.” This is a tall order, especially since they replaced the
mini-donuts in the snack machine with organic trail mix. Even the
super-positive vibe machine that is our author admits, “If you honestly
can’t [find anything positive], tell yourself instead, ‘Today I’m going to
find one thing I like about my job.’ Then make it a point to find
something.”

Good advice, I suppose, but not easy to do. You’ve been trying to find one
thing you like about your job since you hired on, and the only positive
aspect still remains, “Well, at least they let me go home at night.”

Dr. Nelson also points out that “you can never say thank you too much,” so
before I wrap up here, let me thank you for reading and thank you for not
mailing any more nasty emails to the publisher about how this space could be
better used for beauty secrets from Paris, Lindsay and Britney. You don’t
have to thank me. It’ll be our secret.

You wouldn’t think that my readers would be especially picky, but I recently
received a rather snarky email pointing out my inability to correctly spell
the word, resume. Apparently, the evil grammarians who lurk among us insist
on putting a little eyebrow on each of the two e’s in the word, thus
differentiating the French inspired résumé, a summary of our professional
accomplishments and credits which we use to attain employment, from the good
old American verb, resume, as in “I will resume my work shortly after I wake
up from my after-breakfast nap.”

While I may not be able to spell one, I certainly know how to write one, or
so I thought until I received yet another email, this one from Julie Smith,
the current General Education Department Chair and former Director of Career
Services at Brown Mackie College in Kansas City.

According to Ms. Smith, who also does not respect the Gallic-inspired root
of the word, surprising for a person who lives in the Paris of the Midwest,
improving your chances for career success is directly tied to improving your
you-know-what.

Is your resume up to date and up to snuff? Here are a few tips that are
sure to help, no matter how you spell it.

• Use action verbs

“Any job descriptions included in a resume should contain action verbs that
draw attention to accomplishments and problem-solving abilities,” says
Smith. “Your resume will pack a great punch if you employ powerful verbs
that demonstrate an action.”

Absolutely true! Consider this snoozer: “March 2005 – March 2006. Increased
profits of business unit 300%.” Would you hire anyone with this kind of yawn
for an accomplishment? Now consider this action-verb-packed citation, “March
2005 – March 2006. Blasted the barricades by fearlessly destroying corporate
treasury until I mangled the balance sheet and hurtled the company into
bankruptcy.”

Now that’s the kind of action hero everyone wants to hire.

• Avoid usage of “I” or “my” in statements

When it comes to resume syntax, Ms. Smith favors ignoring the first-person
singular for the no-person anonymous, as in “Designed a new logo for the
company” instead of “I designed a new logo for the company.” I’m not sure I
agree [or as Ms. Smith might put it, “not sure agree.”] Why shouldn’t you
take credit for your accomplishments? That is especially important when the
accomplishments for which you are taking credit have been stolen from
someone else. Save the modesty for the people who deserve it. Let your
ego-flag fly by expressing your possessive pride in bogus accomplishments,
like “In 2006, I won the Nobel Peace Prize which was awarded to me, myself
and I.”

Like anyone who is going to hire you is going to be smart enough to check.

• Do not list high school information

Once again, I must disagree. Ms. Smith’s comments are directed to recent
college graduates, most of whom have spent the last four years partying. If
you take away their high school accomplishments, what do they have left –
winning first prize for the cleanest cubby in third grade? Besides,
recruiters who have been in the work force for many years appreciate the
opportunity to remember the carefree days of high school. If you were BMOC
for funneling a keg of Pabst Blue Ribbon, disclose it proudly. An ability to
drink until you puke is a skill that is vital in business, especially if you
plan to be in management.

• Put references on a separate sheet

Apparently it is not appropriate to list your references on your resume. To
me, there’s a larger problem – who in the world are you going to get to give
a loser like you a reference? How about me? I’m not only famous and
affordable, but also quite good at providing pithy, totally believable
references, like “this person won’t work very hard, and will rob you blind,
but you must admire her for almost completely beating her addiction to
sniffing Liquid Paper, and with proper medication, shows every promise of
making real progress with her tendency for snack machine abuse.”

• Don’t lie

This is a tough pill to swallow, resume-wise. Lying like crazy is essential
when you’re bright enough to know that being honest about your history of
indolence and failure will never get your hired. But think positive! Many
bosses are looking for losers who make their own pathetic careers look
better. And if your own resume is too full of accomplishments and triumphs,
don’t worry. You can always borrow mine.

Hey, congratulations on that big promotion. I always knew you were going to
make it to the top. You’ll be great in your new position, I’m sure, and all
the extra money and perks will make a big difference in your lifestyle.

Wait a minute! You didn’t get the promotion. They gave the big job to
someone else – someone who just happens to be your best friend in the
office. So now your friend is your boss. The person with whom you spent
your days gossiping about your lame management team is now “one of them.”
And guess who’s their direct report – you.

Now that’s a problem. Or is it? According to Peter Handal, the affable
chairman, president and CEO of Dale Carnegie Training, having a friend as
your boss can be a real advantage. All you have to do is find a positive way
to channel your anger, disappointment and jealousy.

Mr. Handler admits that the channeling effort is not likely to be easy.
[Perhaps that’s why he has taken three top positions for himself. As
chairman, president and CEO, it’s likely that the only person to be promoted
over Mr. Handler is Mr. Handler.]

“Promotions can put a strain on personal and profession relationships,”
Handler says. “But with maturity and a positive attitude it is possible to
come out on top.”

I agree. With maturity and a positive attitude anything can look good, even
the need to report to your pal, the bozo whose greatest accomplishment to
date is chugging a six-pack of beer with his boxers on his head.

Still, the situation does demand attention, at least until you can get
another job or post those pictures of your friend dancing on the bar of the
Kit Kat Klub in a silver lame thong on the company web site. Here are some
key concepts from the mature and positive folks at Dale Carnegie:

Communication:

“Having a one-on-one conversation with your new boss is an effective first
step,” according to the Dale dictum. This may not be easy to accomplish,
especially if your ex-friend, new boss reacts negatively to threats of
bodily harm popping up in your effort to “determine your new roles and begin
to feel comfortable in your new situation.” Do try to strike a positive
note, however. I suggest saying something supportive, like “Congratulations,
pal! Your constant toadying and butt-kissing has finally paid off.”

Embrace change:

“Do not expect things to stay the same,” the experts warn. “Your
relationship will be different.” Sad but true. Despite the promises that
your friendship will remain the same, inside the office and out, it is
inevitable that your promoted pal, when he or she starts breathing the
rarified air of Mahogany Row, could demonstrate a change in their
self-image. Don’t be surprised when your new boss starts issuing memos on
parchment, or tries walking on water. You could be offended by the behavior
of your new lord and master, or you could encourage these acts of unfettered
egotism. The higher they fly, the harder they fall.

Lean on a friend:

“You may need an outlet for your emotions,” Handal intuits. “Discuss the
situation with a friend outside the office.” Good advice! Bartenders are
especially sensitive to this kind of emotional pain and the price of a
double Jim Beam with a Dr. Pepper back is a lot less than an hour with a
shrink. Another excellent ear to bend is that of a Mafia hit man. I’m not
recommending you have your new boss capped, but management experts agree,
nothing humbles a new manager than a pair of broken kneecaps.

Take advantage:

“If you can get past your own jealousy,” Carnegie counsels, “you may have
some new political capital at your disposal.” This makes a lot of sense.
Even if you don’t have the useful photos described above, chances are you
have learned some potentially damaging secrets in the course of your
friendship. Be subtle in presenting these bombshells, lest your new boss
misunderstand your positive and admiring support for something else, like
blackmail.

“That new Jaguar would make a great company car for me,” you could whisper
at the staff meeting. “I’m sure if I found an xj-7 convertible in midnight
blue in my parking space tonight I’d completely forget to tell your wife
about the three midgets and the Saint Bernard I found in your hotel room at
the annual convention.”

I’m sure your new boss would make it happen. After all, what are friends
for?