Work Daze

Here’s bad news for anyone with a doctor’s appointment in December. If sitting in the waiting room isn’t painful enough at any time of year, in December, you may come in contact with the most recent issue of “Money” magazine, one dog-eared copy of which every medical professional, by law, must have in their reception area.

In addition to the usual, unusually chilling articles explaining why you won’t be able to retire before you’re 106, a column called The Boom Years by Dan Kadlec is focused this month on a particularly timely and scary subject: “Four Ways to Thrive in an Office Shake-Up.”

It is Kadlec’s contention that the end of the year is prime time for job cuts, and I have to admit, he does present a good argument for a bad end to an otherwise rotten year. “Mergers and downsizing often come in a flurry about now,” he writes, “as bosses trim their bottom line to get a fresh financial start in the new year.”

Efficiency and productivity are two of the reasons usually sited for year-end blood baths. I’ll leave it to you to decide whether or not it is sheer coincidence that size of your manager’s bonus increases as the size of the staff decreases.

Not that you need any more reasons to expect that Santa will be riding his sleigh this year sitting thigh-to-thigh with the grim reaper. The fact that your office has been moved from a cubicle next to a window to a coffee-room corner next to the microwave does suggest you’ll be opening your Christmas cards in the unemployment office.

What’s even worse about the end of 2008 is that we’ve lived through similar nightmares before Christmas in 2007, 2006, 2005 and before. As Mr. Kadlec so correctly opines, “At our age we’re more vulnerable…and less likely to have the energy to fight hard for our job yet again.” Considering it takes a triple-shot double latte with a Prozac chaser to get you out the door in the mornings, the man has a point.

But you don’t get to be a writer for “Money” without being able to put a positive spin on a screwball. In his article, Kadlec does provide tips for surviving the annual Christmas massacre.

One technique I totally endorse is to determine “the possible winners atop your company and your division and do a Google search to find out as much about them as you can, including personal interests.”

Once you have the information – or as I like to call it, the dirt – about your superiors, the next step is to “make a concerted effort to meet them as opportunities arise.” For “Money” readers, that means a “trade show or a corporate event.” I say – why wait? The most efficient way to spend quality time with the big bosses is by triggering a firm alarm. As top management comes running down the stairway, you jump into the arms of your manager, allowing him or her to carry you to safety, displaying not only your savior faire in the face of danger, but also the intimate knowledge you’ve gained from your search.

“I hope standing in the parking lot isn’t too rough on those handsome shoes,” you comment casually as the fire trucks roll up. “I saw your entry on feetfreaks.com, and I know a nice polish is very important to you, Mr. Sexy4Florsheim43.”

Another tip for saving your job is to actually work harder – “kick it up a notch,” Kadlec calls it, but I think we can ignore that nonsense. You could kick it up six notches and still not reach slacker status. Or you can “make age your asset” by leveraging your “institutional knowledge.” Good luck! Knowing three foolproof ways to sneak out before 5 PM may have made work life bearable for you, but probably won’t mean much to a new hotshot supervisor.

No, the best way to make age your asset is to have a heart attack in the middle of the Christmas party. It’s unlikely that they’ll fire you during open-heart surgery, but if they do, at least, you’ll have health insurance. And who knows – if you can make it to 2009, your work life may actually improve.

It’s true! I hear that they have very good donuts at the unemployment office and the people you meet there will understand you better than your previous boss, even if their Florsheims don’t have that sexy polish.