Work Daze

Let’s be brutally honest. When a business associate or corporate supplier announces that instead of giving you a personal gift, they’re going to make a donation to a worthwhile charity organization, don’t you feel a moment of regret? I mean, it’s wonderful that a cash infusion is headed in the direction of SCRAM [the Society for the Continued Rehabilitation and Advancement of Meerkats], but isn’t there a teeny-tiny twinge of regret when you realize that despite all the business you’ve shoveled in the direction of your contact, and all the guff that’s been shoveled on you, you’re still not going to get an X-Box.

[Of course, what you deserve is a new Jaguar XJ with a Bose 12-speaker system and 24-inch dubs. Heck, even a fruit basket would be nice. But no – you have to help the homeless and the hungry.]

[And what about the mysterious amount of the gift in question? Was it ten thousand dollars or ten cents? And what percentage was allotted to you and your karmic credit balance? Call me Scrooge, but when someone makes a gift instead of giving me a gift, my first reaction to ask for a copy of the check.]

Fortunately, there are holiday presents that satisfy the shallow and the selfish. One such gift idea recently crossed my email box with the intriguing subject line, “Life-Changing Gift Idea Available for the Holiday Season.” The gift in question is a resume, or as the flacks for Paul Freiberger at Shimmering Resumes put it, “a passport to a loved one’s future.”

“This is the season to give,” explains Freiberger, “But we seldom know what to give. We agonize and then we compromise. It’s so hard to give something that shows we care. [A resume] costs less than a low-cost piece of jewelry. Yet its impact can enable purchasing diamonds in the future.”

Even if the new resume fails to win the recipient a diamond-encrusted new gig. giving a resume for Christmas is a wonderfully subtle way of telling a co-worker or a manager that he or she is under-employed. Not only do you strike a blow to their self-confidence, but if the new resume works, you have decked the halls and cleared the decks.

While such a gift is beyond price, one can get a grip on the cost of a putting a new resume under the tree. “A Shimmering Resume gift certificate costs less than such gift ideas as a new suit,” explains Freiberger, “a leather jacket, Italian shoes, box seats at the opera, or one round of golf at a private club.”

I’m no CPA, but that means a gift resume probably costs more than a gift certificate for one lap dance at the Kit Kat Klub, which is my usual gift, but heck, if I can rid myself of even one supervisor, I say it’s worth it.

It was while contemplating the child-like expressions of joy on the faces of my work friends when they opened their brand new resume, I realized there is one person I know who totally needs a new career. I’m talking about Santa Claus. Just in case no one leaves a gift certificate to Shimmering Resumes by the fireplace along with the cookies and milk, here’s a first pass:

Claus, S.
North Pole

Experienced Executive Looking
For Year-Round Position Managing
Reindeers and Elves.

Famed in story and song, this dynamic leader is capable of delivering on-time results throughout a global enterprise. Deep experience in labor relations and just-in-time delivery systems. Master of crisis control due to off-shore manufacturing and quality-control issues from outsourcing. Comfortable with business travel.

BUSINESS EXPERIENCE

4th Century BC – Present: delivering presents to good girls and boys.

NOTABLE ACCOMPLISHMENTS

Created extra income flow by turning reindeer poop into bio-diesel. Licensed proprietary spying techniques to CIA. Sold information on naughty behavior to “National Inquirer.”

JOB REQUIREMENTS

Looking for a position that would allow me to expand my management abilities into new areas. Prefer Falcon 2000DX Business Jet to reindeer and sled. Strong interest in managing a basketball team, or any organization whose average height is above 3-feet and whose employees do not wear bells on their shoes. Organizational dress code must allow white beard, but am willing to consider a comb-over. Payment must be in cash, not cookies. Preference given to companies with headquarters in Hawaii. Salary and perks are open for discussion, except for one non-negotiable demand – will not work on Christmas day.