Work Daze

Don’t deny it! I know the question you ask yourself at the start of each week. “What would I rather do -- go to the Monday morning staff meeting or get a root canal?”

Well, if you’re lucky enough to work for Genentech, you can answer – both! The biotech giant has a dental clinic right on the premises, so employees can have that root canal and the morning staff meeting, all in the same place. You could even invite your boss to come to your dental appointment. His droning blather will numb you faster than any injection of Novocain, and should you happen to mistake his Florsheims for the spit sink, who is to complain?

If the establishment of an on-site dental clinic is one of the more unusual perks available today, it is highly likely that your job description will soon include a healthy dose of health care. According to a recent article in “The Wall Street Journal,” employers are becoming increasingly concerned about the health of their employees. Where once it was enough for your supervisor to make you sick, now she or he wants to make sure you’re well.

Take Cadmus Communications, a publishing-services company in Richmond, Virginia. Two years ago, the company started requiring their 3,000 workers and their spouses to undergo a health-risk assessment before they could qualify for health insurance. Some workers refused. Described by an HR exec as “frightened and fearful,” these employees didn’t even try to sign up for health insurance because they were suspicious that the company would use any indication of a serious disease as a reason for termination. As if your department could get any more dysfunctional just because a few staffers suffer from mild cases of leprosy.

If you’ve ever stumbled on one of these corporate healthcare initiatives you know that no one ever talks about illness. These are “wellness” programs. Just as being fired is not about losing your job and your paycheck. It’s about gaining the freedom to pursue your dream of moving your family into a refrigerator box under the freeway and living on Fancy Feast.

As will be no great surprise, the benefit for the company comes in the cost savings. It’s much cheaper to identify the sickies early in their careers when they still have energy and aspirations than it is to pay for their medical expenses when they’re old, disgruntled and unproductive.

In the case of the Cadmus work force, the company managed to put about 140 employees on high blood pressure medication. This was considerably cheaper than treating them for hypertension in their declining years, but not as cost efficient as firing the managers who were causing the high blood pressure in the first place. Another 150 employees discovered that their cholesterol levels were too high. They also were medicated and can now enjoy muffin Monday, Twinkie Tuesday, Wasabi-burger Wednesday, Taco Thursday and, of course, the Friday Fried-Frankfurter Fandango.

When an employee who completes a health questionnaire is determined to have a potentially serious condition, he or she is contacted by a nurse. This applies to diabetes, hypertension and for those workers who filled out the form honestly, insanity. Your employer can’t force you to change your lifestyle, but let’s face facts. The economy is not so good and if the price of continued employment is to become a vegan, I say, “Pass the tofu.”

Some employers, including supermarket giant, Safeway, are so anxious to keep their workforce healthy that they waive co-payments for physical exams, pap smears and colonoscopies. And if healthy Safeway employees save the company money, is it such a leap to imagine that these bargain-priced services will soon be available to Safeway shoppers. I can see it now – a special on pap smears in Aisle 7, and in Aisle 3, a free colonoscopy with every box of Bran Flakes. Gee, I feel better already.

Not satisfied with screening its employees and their spouses, companies like Cadmus are so anxious to bring healthcare into the workplace it’s almost sick. Expect the beloved coffee room to be replaced by an on-site mammogram facility. Instead of pep talks by management nuts, we’ll be getting diet tips from a nutritionist. At Cadmus they’ve installed blood pressure cuffs at work sites so employees can calibrate exactly when they’ll blow their tops. They’ve also given away pedometers to encourage exercise.

Personally, I hope they start distributing alarm clocks. It would be extremely damaging to my health if I missed my afternoon nap.