Work Daze

Now here’s a great idea – if your supervisor says that you’re underperforming and unproductive, don’t apologize and promise you’ll do better. Just explain to the boss that the reason you sit in your cubicle all day surfing the web and playing computer games is because you don’t want to risk your health or expose the company to an expensive law suit.

You’re not lazy; you’re a workaholic in recovery.

It could happen! According to an eye-opening article by Phyllis Korkki in “The New York Times,” the line between being a hard worker and being a workaholic is easily missed. And should you cross that line and become a workaholic, the road back can be twisty and bumpy indeed.

“The behavior can be extraordinary hard to change,” Ms. Korkki writes, and Professor Gayle Porter of the Rutgers School of Business agrees. “People will go through withdrawal,” she suggests. And what could be a better example of “cold turkey” than the sight of you, hunched up in front of your computer, shaking uncontrollably at the sight of another important project you’re going to ignore.

But what is a workaholic, you ask. And how do I know if I am one?

According to Diane M. Fassel, the author of “Working Ourselves to Death,” a workaholic is someone who is “addicted to incessant activity.” Workaholics are either perfectionists, have a need for control, or are a combination of both, adds Professor Porter. No matter how you slice it, workaholics are people who work a lot, whether or not there is work that actually needs to be done.

In fact, workaholics may actually create more work through their workaholic ways, the better to them to have more work to do. This is not a problem if the workaholic is a fellow employee, but it can lead to serious problems when the workaholic is your manager. “He or she may expect long hours from subordinates, may force them to try to meet impossible standards, then rush in to save the day when the work is deemed substandard,” says Professor Porter, who, to be honest, is beginning to sound like a workaholic herself and should probably be spending less time at her desk, analyzing us, and more time at a Rutgers’ campus beer bust, getting stupid.

One real problem with workaholics is that, unlike alcoholics, they are usually praised, respected and promoted. Get caught, blitzed, in the coat closet with a bottle of 100-proof Old Overcoat and you’re likely to get the boot. Get caught on a Saturday night, at your desk, revising sales projections for 2015, and you’re likely to get the corner office.

Unfortunately, there are no 12-step programs for workaholics. [They tried to start one, but no one attended the meetings. Everyone was too busy working.] This leaves workaholics subject to a panoply of ills: stress, substance abuse, sleep disorders, anxiety, and heart disease. Not to mention the psychic consequences of hatred emanating from co-workers and direct reports as laser beams of loathing are hurled in their direction.

What is needed, of course, are a few simple techniques you can use to cure yourself of the problems associated with being a workaholic while not denying yourself any of the advantages.

One important step is self-analysis. Try to understand why you have become a workaholic. Is it because you are inventing a reason to ignore your demanding, demented family life, or is it to hide from your own awful, obnoxious personality? Like all the great gurus, you must come to realize that despite your hard work, life stinks and that existence is no less miserable and meaningless when you’re lying on the sofa, like the rest of us, chugging cheap beer and watching “Hogan Family Rules.” Now that’s true happiness.

Another good idea is to rid yourself of all the workaholic enablers, mostly technological, that make it possible for you to hide in the laundry room during family dinners, conducting global business initiatives on your Blackberry or your laptop. If anything should be on your lap, it’s that cute new intern in marketing, and when it comes to being connected 24/7, trust me -- you’ll be less accessible but far more contented with a high-tech communication device from your childhood – two orange juice cans attached with a piece of string.

Remember – if you can’t kick the workaholic habit, your future looks grim. You’ll be successful and rich and worst of all, you’ll never know what happened on Hogan Family Rules.