Work Daze

It must be the astrology, because I have recently received two press releases announcing breakthrough theories on how to deal with toxic coworkers. Personally, I’m impressed. I didn’t think anyone but thee and me realized we are not only managed by idiots, but surrounded by them, as well.

The first news flash comes from SnagAJob.com, a web site for people looking to snag hourly work assignments. I can’t say I identify with the desire, since hourly workers are generally expected to be immediately productive, while we yearly laborers can go for weeks, months, even decades without ever doing anything.

According to a survey of 7,000 visitors to the site, the most annoying classes of coworkers came out as a statistical tie – the “slacker” and the “kiss-up” each garnering close to one-third of the vote. [No, they didn’t ask what people thought of slackers who are also kiss-ups, so we’re safe – at least, until the next poll.]

The “gossip hound” came in third for unpopularity, which I think is highly unfair. It’s the gossips in our workplaces that make it possible for us to get through the day. Admit it – if you didn’t know you’d pick up one or two juicy tidbits about the rich and foolish on Mahogany Row, you’d never get out of bed in the mornings.

The “loud-talker” was forth, and coming in last, with only 4.6% of the vote, was the “hypochondriac.” We must view this last place finish with some suspicion. No one is more annoying that the office hypochondriac with their medications spread out on their desktops like a pharmaceutical buffet, and their endless lectures on the downfall of traditional medicine and the effectiveness of herbal healing. The problem is they’re out sick most of time, so they don’t really have the opportunity to annoy us to the max.

The second piece of hot news comes from another web site, LifeScript.com. I don’t know why I never knew about this online resource, since it’s full of the kind of helpful advice on avoiding disease that always leaves you really depressed. [See “hypochondriac” above.] I was directed to the “Healthy Living” section of the site that I found “5 Tips for Dealing with the Coworker from Hell,” by Jennifer Gruenemay.

Ms. Gruenemay may be trying to be helpful, but her report is quite scary. “The stress and anxiety of dealing with negative people can oftentimes be too much to handle,” she writes, “especially as you become more susceptible to the heart disease and lowered immune function that accompany high-stress situations.”

If that piece of news doesn’t have you dialing 911, I don’t know what will.

On the positive side, the article does bring forward a number of suggestions for avoiding “a physical and mental breakdown,” assuming it hasn’t happened already. Tip #1 advances the idea that the negativity projected by our obnoxious coworkers may be “deeply rooted within many years of heartache.” In other words, you should pity your annoying coworkers, instead of throwing spitballs over their cubical walls or putting super-glue on the seats of their Aeron chairs.

Tip #2 is to rehearse upcoming confrontations in your head, working through how you’re going to handle the toxic encounter. This can backfire. By the time you finish playing through the accusations and counter-accusations and counter-counter-accusations, you’ll be so angry that you’ll throw a tantrum – and probably, an Aeron chair – the moment your evil coworker says hello.

Tip #4 is to “lend a helping hand.” As the author puts it, “sometimes difficult people are looking for an ally – someone to spill their heart to and vent their pent up frustrations to.” Highly possible, but who wants to listen to a bunch of whining and bellyaching, especially when you’ve got your own whining and bellyaching to do.

“You may be able to give suggestions on how this person could improve their attitude,” the author posits. I suggest you try helpful phrases like “Did you mistake me for someone who cares?” Or “if you think you’ve got trouble, you should hear my problems.” In fact, make sure you get in your spilling and venting first – then your coworker will really have something to be annoyed about.

The final tip is to show the white flag. Walk away from toxic coworkers and into a great new job. Ideally, you’ll be able to avoid trouble by working with people as wonderful and perfect as you. If that’s not possible, work for yourself.

That way, the only toxic coworker in the place is you.