Work Daze

Summer’s over and it’s time to take a look at your career. Or so says Richard Bayer, Ph.D., economist, ethicist, and the Chief Operating Officer of The Five O’Clock Club, a national coaching organization.

Personally, I’d prefer to take a look at my tan, which is already starting to fade, along with my attitude, my enthusiasm, and my savings account, but the good doctor may have a point. Returning to work after a summer of fun could be a great time to turn your dissatisfaction into action.

But how do you know this is the right time for you to change jobs? That’s where Dr. Bayer comes in. His recent press release, “Eight Signs That Say It’s Time to Change Jobs” is based on his experience providing coaching and counseling to members of the Five O’Clock Club, a full-employment cult whose “members are special,” according the club’s website. [“We attract upbeat, ambitious, dynamic, intelligent people,” the writer of the site goes on to say. Why such highly evolved individuals can’t hold a job is not explained, but I imagine it may have something to do with problems usually associated with a galloping ego.]

You only need three or four of these warning signs to exhume your resume, so be ever alert to workplace slights. Who knows? By the time next Labor Day rolls around, you could have a wonderful new job you’re ready to dump.

1. “You don’t fit in. Your values don’t match.” For example, other employees work and all you do is goof-off. Any company that cares more about making a profit over getting top score in Dungeon Wars III is clearly a values mismatch.

2. “Your boss doesn’t like you.” Does your manager see you as a human sponge, a useless biomass sucking the profits from the company and draining the froth from her bonus? If so, you’ve accomplished your goals. Time to move on!

3. “Your peers don’t like you.” Gee, is there no one is the company who craves your company? That means no one is paying attention to what you do – and don’t do. Given those working conditions, I’d never move.

4. “You don’t get assignments that demonstrate the full range of your abilities.” Now you’re being over-sensitive. Someone has to detail the boss’s Hummer.

5. “You always get called upon to do the ‘grunt work.’” One man’s grunt is another man’s glory. Next time they send you out for coffee, hop a jumbo jet to Rome. There’s an excellent Starbuck’s next to the Pantheon. You’ll get excellent coffee, and also get points for thinking outside the box – and outside the continent.

6. “You are excluded from meetings your peers are invited to.” Let me understand this – you want to go to MORE meetings? Any job that keeps you from the black pit that is a conference room is a keeper!

7. “Everyone on your level has an office; you have a cubicle in the hallway.” I think Dr. Bayer is using hyperbole here. Everyone “on your level” is working on the loading dock, or operating out of the janitor’s closet. Listen, a cubicle in the hallway is a primo location – close to the break room and even closer to the exits. Besides, a private office is a sad and lonely place, which is why such bad decisions emanate from them.

8. “You dread going to work and feel like you are developing an ulcer.” No sale! Simply because you dread going to work – “You have a hard time concentrating and count the hours from the time you arrive at the office until the second you leave” – does not mean you are sick. Au contraire, wanting to get out of work is a sign of robust mental health.

[As for ulcers, I wouldn’t be too quick to put them down. People with ulcers are usually well respected in a workplace where they are viewed as worriers who “really care.” Even if you were not lucky enough to develop an ulcer, I’d keep a jeroboam of vintage Pepto on your desk at all times. It gives you a great reason to miss meetings, and miss deadlines, too.]

I hope I have not been too negative about Dr. Bayer and his little club of losers. If you truly hate your job, and are always miserable, and project nothing but negative energy, you should definitely consider making a change. Or you can really teach everyone at work a lesson – stay right where you are.