Work Daze

Question: if you were asked to develop a test to show which employee is the most likely to succeed, what would you propose? You could suggest an aptitude test, a measure of how a specific person’s skills jibe with the needs of the specific business. This way, the most compulsive, compulsive liar could immediately start their climb to fame in politics. Or, you could prescribe a battery of psychological tests. Or, simply, a battery. Nothing like measuring your response to a beating to determine how you will fare in everyday corporate life.

Personally, I pooh-pooh these typical testing options. What I would do is march the group of candidates into a conference room, making sure that before they entered, a platter of Saran-wrapped donuts sat on the conference table. Then, hidden behind a one-way mirror, I would observe the behavior of the participants. I’d want to see who, ignoring all the cries from the wimps and wonks that the tray, being wrapped, is obviously for a later meeting, takes the first donut anyway.

This person is clearly a leader, and I would never hire her or him. [The last thing I want in my company are a bunch of hard-driving, success-oriented people who will make me look bad.] The donut snatchers that follow are just that – followers. These are people who will never question authority. In other words, great candidates for the HR department.

But the real star in the crowd – the one person who you know is headed for greatness – is the person who takes the last donut. This person doesn’t care about being polite or generous or caring. All they want to do is stuff their face with fried dough and confectioner’s sugar, and let the consequences – and the cholesterol – be damned.

Considering my workplace entrance exam, you will not be surprised to learn that I have little interest in promoting the latest entry on my books-I-won’t-be-reading list. It’s called “DON’T TAKE THE LAST DONUT: NEW RULES OF BUSINESS ETIQUETTE.”

The author of this well-meaning, but tragically misguided tome, Judith Bowman, does understand the power of manners. “The dining table is a great stage from which to share your personal side,” she explains. “It’s a moment when you can display your proper attention to etiquette, protocol, manners, and a myriad of details that can set you apart and distinguish you from the competition.”

True enough, but if a potential client or manager sees you playing “After you, Alphonse, with the last crueller, they will certainly not hold you in high esteem. Instead, they will logically expect you to demonstrate the same selflessness when the going gets tough, like when you’re moments away from selling a customer a product he doesn’t need, you surrender to the dark side that is integrity, compassion, and self-sacrifice.

Hey, good guys not only finish last, they don’t make their third-quarter numbers.

Ms. Bowman’s business etiquette book is full of good bad advice, and I can recommend it as a perfect gift for co-workers who you want to recast as lovable losers. For example, Bowman recommends that when out for a business dinner, you don’t order the lobster because it is not easy to eat. This is true. A crustacean does take a certain finesse. But if you think a lobster is difficult to eat, remember that it’s even more difficult to pay for when you’re not on an expense account!

Besides, if you can’t figure out how to separate a dead lobster from its succulent flesh, how are you ever going to separate a client from his money?

Assuming that you’ve given up on exploring the world of over-priced entrees on the company’s dime, Bowman also has a rule for eating hamburgers. “Eat a hamburger like sandwich; cut it in half.” This is excellent advice – if you work for Tea Party Magazine. [Yo! Judy! Why not ask the waiter to cut your burger for you, and while he’s at it, to run your french fries through the blender?] If you must order a hamburger, order two, one for each hand. Each of these you will eat in one gulp, separated only by a burp. And if you really want to impress, don’t order them rare, order them raw.

Remember – in today’s rough a tumble business world, every successful businessperson has to be an animal. The question is – will you be a gorilla or a parakeet?