Work Daze

Hey, did anyone around here see my Scotch Tape dispenser? What about my stapler, and my paper clips, and my pen, and my desk blotter, and my computer keyboard, and my office chair? Am I crazy, or was there carpeting in this cubical yesterday?

You may think that I’m joking, but that’s the way it is in the workplace today. If you want to keep your possessions, don’t come to work. You’ll have better luck keeping what God and the office manager gave to you strolling the naked city at midnight, holding up your ATM card, and wearing a T-shirt that says, “I’m a tourist. Rob me.”

If you doubt me, I know you’ll take the well-manicured words of the Spherion Corporation, the mega-big employment agency. In their recent Spherion© Workplace Snapshot, the eager beavers at Spherion have turned their laser-like focus on one of today’s critical issues – the theft of office supplies for personal use.

[No, I don’t know why anyone would steal office supplies for impersonal use. The reason I have a dozen cases of spring clips under my bed is not because I am the owner-operator of SpringClipsRUs.com. I just sleep better knowing that if I ever need a spring clip, it will be there for me.]

According to the survey, one in five U.S. workers have stolen office supplies. Of the 20% who are dirty, 20% are also guilty. This might suggest that other 80% of all workers are pillars of ethical behavior. But that couldn’t be true. I think the honest 80% have just watched too many episodes of the Sopranos. They believe that if they really did pocket a box of rubber bands, the boss would have them whacked.

In 2006, when Spherion conducted a similar survey, only 18% of workers admitted to stealing office supplies. This suggests that either the moral fiber of America is fraying, or that more of us are feeling the need to clip, staple and tape. Because according to the Spherion© Workplace Snapshot, necessity is the mother of larceny.

Get ready to take this down, behavioral psychologists – people steal office supplies because “they need them.” Or so report 41% of the dirty rats caught with their fingers in the supply closet. Nearly a third, 32%, confessed that the reason they stole was because “their boss said it was alright.” This is difficult to believe. Who among us has ever had a boss that encouraged us to rob and steal, unless, of course, it was for the boss’s benefit.

[Frankly, I’ve loaded more boxes of file folders in the trunk of my boss’s Jaguar than all the bodies Pauly Walnuts ever loaded in the trunk of his Coupe de Ville. “Here, take a dozen legal-size for yourself,” the boss always tells me. “You and the little woman have a night of filing on me.”]

15% excused their participation in felony paper clip theft by explaining, “the company won’t miss them.” Poor excuse. If the company got rid of everything it “wouldn’t miss,” you’d be bugging the folks at Spherion to find you a new job, since your position would be long gone.

“Everyone else does it” was the explanation du jour for 6% of the guilty respondents, proving that despite your vigorous denials, if your workplace buddy jumped off a bridge carrying a carton of printer toner, you’d jump, too.

Only 5% gave the excuse that I expected would be number-one-with-a-bullet – “the company owes me.” But I do believe that the 34% who responded “other/unsure” really do belong in the revenge camp. We all walk around harboring resentment against our managers, and how much better to steal a punch than to throw one. When viewed in this context, pilfering office supplies may just be the cheapest form of workplace therapy. If your company could exchange a trip to the shrink with a trip to Staples, the bottom line would soar.

Finally, the survey revealed that workers earning more than $75,000 annually were the most likely to take office supplies for personal use. Duh! Workers who earn less than $75,000 do not get access to file folders and paper clips. Blue-collar types have to settle for stealing trifles like bench presses, Caterpillar tractors, and senior vice presidents.

Still, the results of this survey are sobering, and I promise to return all the office supplies I have stolen over the years. I’m going to do it, too – just as soon as I can steal a forklift.