Work Daze

You wouldn’t think that my readers would be especially picky, but I recently
received a rather snarky email pointing out my inability to correctly spell
the word, resume. Apparently, the evil grammarians who lurk among us insist
on putting a little eyebrow on each of the two e’s in the word, thus
differentiating the French inspired résumé, a summary of our professional
accomplishments and credits which we use to attain employment, from the good
old American verb, resume, as in “I will resume my work shortly after I wake
up from my after-breakfast nap.”

While I may not be able to spell one, I certainly know how to write one, or
so I thought until I received yet another email, this one from Julie Smith,
the current General Education Department Chair and former Director of Career
Services at Brown Mackie College in Kansas City.

According to Ms. Smith, who also does not respect the Gallic-inspired root
of the word, surprising for a person who lives in the Paris of the Midwest,
improving your chances for career success is directly tied to improving your
you-know-what.

Is your resume up to date and up to snuff? Here are a few tips that are
sure to help, no matter how you spell it.

• Use action verbs

“Any job descriptions included in a resume should contain action verbs that
draw attention to accomplishments and problem-solving abilities,” says
Smith. “Your resume will pack a great punch if you employ powerful verbs
that demonstrate an action.”

Absolutely true! Consider this snoozer: “March 2005 – March 2006. Increased
profits of business unit 300%.” Would you hire anyone with this kind of yawn
for an accomplishment? Now consider this action-verb-packed citation, “March
2005 – March 2006. Blasted the barricades by fearlessly destroying corporate
treasury until I mangled the balance sheet and hurtled the company into
bankruptcy.”

Now that’s the kind of action hero everyone wants to hire.

• Avoid usage of “I” or “my” in statements

When it comes to resume syntax, Ms. Smith favors ignoring the first-person
singular for the no-person anonymous, as in “Designed a new logo for the
company” instead of “I designed a new logo for the company.” I’m not sure I
agree [or as Ms. Smith might put it, “not sure agree.”] Why shouldn’t you
take credit for your accomplishments? That is especially important when the
accomplishments for which you are taking credit have been stolen from
someone else. Save the modesty for the people who deserve it. Let your
ego-flag fly by expressing your possessive pride in bogus accomplishments,
like “In 2006, I won the Nobel Peace Prize which was awarded to me, myself
and I.”

Like anyone who is going to hire you is going to be smart enough to check.

• Do not list high school information

Once again, I must disagree. Ms. Smith’s comments are directed to recent
college graduates, most of whom have spent the last four years partying. If
you take away their high school accomplishments, what do they have left –
winning first prize for the cleanest cubby in third grade? Besides,
recruiters who have been in the work force for many years appreciate the
opportunity to remember the carefree days of high school. If you were BMOC
for funneling a keg of Pabst Blue Ribbon, disclose it proudly. An ability to
drink until you puke is a skill that is vital in business, especially if you
plan to be in management.

• Put references on a separate sheet

Apparently it is not appropriate to list your references on your resume. To
me, there’s a larger problem – who in the world are you going to get to give
a loser like you a reference? How about me? I’m not only famous and
affordable, but also quite good at providing pithy, totally believable
references, like “this person won’t work very hard, and will rob you blind,
but you must admire her for almost completely beating her addiction to
sniffing Liquid Paper, and with proper medication, shows every promise of
making real progress with her tendency for snack machine abuse.”

• Don’t lie

This is a tough pill to swallow, resume-wise. Lying like crazy is essential
when you’re bright enough to know that being honest about your history of
indolence and failure will never get your hired. But think positive! Many
bosses are looking for losers who make their own pathetic careers look
better. And if your own resume is too full of accomplishments and triumphs,
don’t worry. You can always borrow mine.