Work Daze

Think you work hard at your job? Think again. If all you do is put in the
standard eighty hours a week, not including your week-end labors, then,
friend, you are merely coasting. The true hard workers are another breed
altogether. You may call them dummies or masochists or kiss-ups, but
psychologists have another word for this hearty breed of obsessive
over-achievers. They call them workaholics.

A true workaholic is never not working. Whether at home, or out to dinner,
or even in church, the workaholic is on the job. Workaholics make work their
entire lives, an addiction for which modern technology like BlackBerries,
PDAs and cell phones become digital enablers.

The difference between a hard worker and a workaholic is subtle. A hard
worker may put in lots of hours at the job, but is able to leave work alone
long enough to eat, sleep and watch “American Idol.” When workaholics aren’t
working, they become so stressed out that they can actually become
physically ill. According to a recent article by Dana Mattioli in “The Wall
Street Journal,” workaholics may suffer from fatigue, sleep disorders and
stress related-aliments, including heart attack and stroke.

And that scary scenario does not even include the dangers of random attacks
by co-workers who hate the workaholic for making them look bad in the eyes
of management.

As is the case of anyone who is reading this column in the hope – however
hopeless – of improving their work life, I myself have experienced periods
of workaholism. Getting a new job or a new boss will definitely induce the
desire to prove yourself to be devoted 110% to your job. And as everyone
knows, being a workaholic is hardly a barrier to career success. Even
enlightened employers who are quick to step in to help a drug or alcohol
abuser may step back from confrontation when dealing with an employee who is
simply working himself to death.

Our goal, then, is clear. We want to appear to be workaholics in the eyes of
our bosses, but still be regular Joes and Jills to friends, family and
bartenders. Fortunately, the WSJ article gives us a good template for
workaholic behavior by listing the standard symptoms of the disease:

1. Merging work into other parts of your life

The article profiles Irv Flax, a 63-year old accountant, who is a recovering
workaholic. Flax was so obsessed with his job that accounting issues
dominated his conversation, even when he was in social situations. Luckily
for Flax, accounting is so fascinating that is completely understandable
that he could think of nothing else. Why, weighed again the calculation of
imputed interest in FIFO or LIFO scenarios, the antics of Brittney and Paris
pale in comparison.

If you toil in a less fascinating field, like a NASCAR driver, NBA player,
or Mafia chief, you’ll have to work to work in business references in your
personal life. I suggest you use the grand gesture, like standing up before
the start of a musical event to ask the performers to play softly so you can
be sure to hear your cell phone, or bringing your computer with you to your
house of worship, the better to check on sales results during non-productive
periods of prayer. [If your religious leader is in touch with a higher
power, it shouldn’t be a problem to provide WI-FI access in the pews.]

2. Neglect other aspects of life.

Workaholics are famous for not showing up for important family occasions. To
promote your workaholic status, pick a few select dates to miss and jobs to
avoid. Forget to take out the dog or pick up the children. Don’t pay the
electric bill or the company loan shark. Forgetting a wedding anniversary
will also make a big impression, especially if it’s silver or gold, and
you’ve scheduled a romantic round-the-world cruise for your spouse and
yourself. The tale of your significant other, waiting alone and helpless on
the deck of the QE2 as it sails off to Pongo-Pongo, will ensure you of
workaholic status for decades, or, at least, until the divorce is final.

3. Sneaking work

According to the article, workaholics, like other addicts, try to hide their
addictions. Secrete tiny USB flash drives in the chocolate chip ice cream.
Or let your spouse catch you in a secret rendezvous at the No-Tell Motel
with the company CFO. “I’m so disappointed,” he or she will exclaim as they
throw open the motel room door. “I had so hoped you were having an affair.”