Work Daze

You are a beautiful person. Everyone knows it. But what about those poor unfortunates in the workplace not blessed with the face of a movie star and the physique of an action figure?

It is well documented that good looks directly transfers into good salaries. It doesn’t matter how smart you are. The better you appear, the better you are paid. And if you doubt it, ask Tom Cruise.

Being a hunk yourself, it is perfectly understandable that you have not spent much time worrying about those less fortunately endowed. Fortunately, San Francisco career counselor, Marty Nemko, has addressed the issue on his website, www.martynemko.com. “Working While Ugly, Career Advice for the Unattractive” may not go quite far enough for our taste in suggests viable work-arounds for an excess of ugly.

Readers who are stud muffins and total hotties can stop at this point, and hustle over to the tanning salon for an eyebrow wax. For those of you who may see a slight flaw or ten in the mirror, read on. Here are Nemko’s tips for turning the appalling into the appealing and the creepy into the captivating.

1. Work hard to present a winning personality

It’s OK to be a Frankenstein as long as you’re a friendly Frankenstein. If someone is going to poke fun at your looks, Nemko counsels, let that person be you. “I’m having a bad hair day,” is a good opening remark for a baldy, he suggests, while someone with a big nose could quip, “I have a good face for radio.”

While not exactly a laugh riot, this kind of comedy is not for everyone. Someone who has spent their entire life feeling self-conscious about their gigantic honker may not feel comfortable about stepping into the spotlight as a stand-up comedian on open-mike night. Instead, I suggest you follow the career path of the “unknown comic.” This successful comedian performed his entire routine while wearing a brown paper bag.

Showing up at your next staff meeting with a plastic grocery bag over your head will position you as a real Mr. Personality. Plus, you’ll get extra sympathy when the paramedics rush in to revive you from suffocation.

2. Dress carefully

We can’t influence our genes, but we can control our jeans. Some career counselors suggest you have a signature color, or a visual trademark, like Larry King’s suspenders or Bono’s wraparound glasses.

The visual trademark idea has certainly worked well for Britney Spears, but if your goal is to appear on the cover of the annual report, rather than the cover of “People,” you should choose your trademark with care.

Here’s an idea – walk around the office with an ax on your shoulder. This will suggest that when it comes time to chop some salaries, you’re the man.

3. Look slim

For those poor unfortunates who have lingered to long at the donut tray, and who are so unmotivated in their career goals that they are unwilling to join me in paying the company’s IT technician to staple his stomach, Nemko recommends that you avoid tight clothing and busy patterns. Unfortunately, my enemies at work are so jealous of my abilities that they instituted a fiendish plot to replace my entire wardrobe at regular intervals with an exact duplicate of everything I wear, only a size smaller. This may seem paranoid, but it is the only reason I can imagine for the fact that my clothes seem tighter with every passing pizza.

Nemko advises against the “muumuu look,” but I disagree. Wearing a king-size sheet to work makes me feel like a Roman senator. It’s also quite nice when it’s time for my mid-morning nap.

4. Practice distraction

If your face is a horror show, draw attention elsewhere. “A great hairstyle, or accessories such as jewelry, handbags and shoes can refocus people’s gaze,” suggests the career counselor. This is absolutely true, but what if you’re a woman? I suggest wearing combat fatigues. This says you’re ready to “battle for the bottom line.” People will not only avoid your face, they’ll run from you in the hallways.

5. Work alone.

If all the above still will not compensate for your ugly puss and sloppy body, Nemko suggests you consider solitary employment, preferably in a location without mirrors. You might become a workplace humor columnist, for example, holed-up in a dank fallout shelter fifty feet below the ground. And I hope you do. Ugly or not, I could use the company.