Work Daze

If you’re one of those people who starts every new year by making a list of all the ways you will change for the better in the twelve months ahead, I have one word of advice for you: DON’T.

Don’t make a list. Don’t think things will get better. And most of all, don’t change.

Trust me, it’s not worth the effort. Nothing you can do will change your miserable situation, unless, of course, you quit, and then you’ll have to go through all the trouble of getting a new job, which will certainly be no better than the position you currently have. It could even be worse, at least for the first five years, when you’ll have to meet a bunch of new people to hate, locate a passel of new conference rooms with funny names, and spend precious goofing-off hours finding the bathrooms.

Moreover, all the effort you put into useless changes could better be spent on truly useful endeavors, like scouring your current office to find new places to nap.

But you’re unhappy, you say, in your present position. To which I say, so is everyone else. Even the lucky stiffs on Wall Street who are collecting multi-million dollar bonuses are miserable. Really! I’m not saying you need to send sympathy cards, but I have read that due to limited production quotas, many of the newly minted gazillionaires will not be able to procure the new $250,000 Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano. Imagine how miserable these disappointed Wall Street warriors will be when forced to spend 2007 driving from their Manhattan penthouses to their East Hampton beach houses in last year’s Lamborghini Murcielagos. And you think you have it tough!

Another reason not to start 2007 with visions of bettering yourself is that most of these corporate self-improvement projects cause more harm than good. Let’s look at few of the classic New Year’s resolutions and see the consequences of trying to make 2007 a better year by becoming a better you.

Resolution #1: I’m going to lose weight.

I know that your physician may tell you that you will live longer if you lose weight, but I’ll bet your physician never told you that being fat will help your career. It’s true – fat people earn more than 200% more than skinny, healthy people, and that’s a proven fact according to a study sponsored by the NJDA (National Jelly Donut Association.)

If you start a diet and eat only healthy foods, you will not be spending very much time in the coffee room, gobbling up the cookies, cakes, pastries and left-over potato salad left out from last week’s staff meeting. This means you will be spending significantly less time schmoozing with your co-workers, developing the kind of interpersonal connections that could elevate you to a top position when one of your coffee-mates drops dead of a heart attack.

Resolution #2: I’m going to work out regularly.

Another really bad idea. Sure, you can go to the gym before and after work, but let’s face facts -- no improvement in your physical condition can neutralize the complete mental meltdown you will suffer when seeing your bloated body stuffed into Lycra and Spandex? Besides, if you spend all your spare time in the gym, you’ll lose out on networking opportunities that come from leaning against the bar at the Kit Kat Klub, or the bonding you’ll develop with the co-workers assigned to drag you home every night.

Worse of all is the possibility that you will actually get buff and become attractive to those randy, highly-hormonal young employees who are seeking a mentor among the senior staff. With three or four of these love bunnies throwing themselves at you from nine to five, you are certain to lose focus on your work product, and on your spouse, who will divorce you, demanding custody of your large-screen TV, and leaving you the children.

Resolution #3: I’m going to get organized.

If you want a recipe for unemployment, clear off your desk. It’s OK to do nothing at the office, as long as it looks like you’re busy. Without the clutter, everyone will think you’re the lazy slug you really are. I say: go out a buy a couple of pounds of debris from the nearest city dump. You may have to pay extra for the extra smelly stuff, but it’s money well spent – the stench could keep the boss away until January 2008.

In the words of the noted workplace experts, R.E.M., “it’s the end of the world as we know it.” But unlike the rockers, I certainly don’t feel fine. According to a press release recently splattered across my mailbox, a survey of 2,000 workers contracted by The Hudson Company definitely proves that the young people entering the work force are completely moo-moo-goo-goo.

This is my analysis, and does not reflect the conclusions of the number crunchers hired by Hudson, but read on and see if you don’t agree with me.

Basically, the survey compares the attitudes of younger workers born after 1980, who are called Generation Y, with the opinions of older workers (Generation X, born 1965-1979), really old workers (Baby Boomers, born 1946-1964), and the walking dead (Traditionalists, born 1928-1945.)

(The fact that the Traditionalists can still pick up a telephone and answer a bunch of silly survey questions is, in my opinion, worthy of a press release. I usually fall asleep in the middle of my important phone calls at work, and when you’re calling a sex hotline at $20.00 a minute, that can be expensive.)

For me, the most shocking result of the survey is that Generation X and Y workers actually want more feedback from their managers. A full 25% of these wet-behind-the-Blue-Tooth-earphone employees “said they would like feedback from their boss at least once a week, if not every day.”

Compare this to Baby Boomers, only 20% of whom feel they can’t possibly survive without daily feedback. As for the Traditionalists, just 11% want daily feedback. If this shocking result doesn’t scream “experience,” I don’t know what does. And the truth is, the Traditionalists probably would have had an even lower response rate if they had remembered to turn on their hearing aids.

Can you imagine getting daily feedback from your boss? You and I have gone months without even seeing the overpaid bozo, and haven’t missed the experience one little bit. In fact, my personal goal is to see the boss so infrequently that she forgets I even work in the place!

But it gets worse.

“Generation Y employees also prefer more frequent social interaction with their managers,” the survey reports. “Approximately one quarter (26%) would like to socialize with their boss at least monthly. This is compared to 21% for Generation X, 16% for Baby Boomers, and 17% for Traditionalists.”

Look down the track, friend. Observe the train wreck that is to come for American businesses. After all the Traditionalists die off, and all the Baby Boomers retire to Sun City, and all Generation X quit to open espresso joints and yoga camps, our giant corporations will be run by a bunch of nitwits who think that the height of business strategy is to have monthly keggers with the boss!

I’m not saying you should cash out your 401(k) and move to the desert, but if my boss is going to start inviting me to meetings of Oprah’s book club, look for me in the front of the line at the Mojave unemployment office.

But maybe it won’t be as bad as I’m thinking. “The challenge for employers is to first understand the differences within their workforce,” says a Hudson executive, “and then come up with strategies and processes to attract, engage and retain top talent.”

Maybe while the boss is having daily visioning sessions with the youngsters playing in the company sandbox, we older, more experienced employees can actually get some work done. Or not. With all the party-going and feedback-giving our managers will be providing for needy Generation Y workers, no one will be around to see us dozing at our desks, or playing Texas Hold-em in Conference Room A.

Of course, that assumes that our bosses actually care what employees want, and if that happens, it’s got to be a first. Too bad the nosy-parkers at Hudson did not also conduct a survey of managers to see how much contact our exalted leaders want with the hoi and the polloi. I suspect the response would cross all generational lines with results limited to “Not much,” “Not at all,” and “Only during firing opportunities.”

As one enlightened manager told me, “it’s bad enough I have to pay these people. I don’t need to talk to them, as well.” It’s a lovely thought and speaking for all rational Traditionalists, Boomers, Gen X and Gen Y’ers in the workforce, I’m happy to say, the feeling is mutual.

Talk about happy! There I was, tuning across the radio dial while driving to work, when I happened to hear one of the highly intellectual, totally cerebral announcers on National Public Radio tell listeners that the program for that hour would focus on the mushrooming problem of people who “have trouble falling asleep at work.”

“At last!” I said to myself. “The movers and shakers in our country are addressing one of the issues that has vexed thee and me for decades – the difficulty of catching a cat nap when everyone around you is yammering on the telephone and pounding on the computer.”

What’s even less conducive to getting a quality snooze is, of course, our managers. These devilish dervishes are always wandering the hallways, hoping to catch an unsuspecting employee drowsing at his or her desktop – an activity that is somehow considered to be unproductive, despite the fact that behind all that snoring, you are actively scouring your subconscious for new ways to move the business ahead.

Alas, when the discussion commenced, I soon realized that the scientists and sociologists who had come down from their ivory towers to express their opinions were not viewing sleeping through the work day as an ideal solution to a boring, dead-end job, but some kind of “problem” that urgently required a “cure.”

Naturally, if your job involves slicing and dicing chickens, or whittling tree trunks down into toothpicks, falling asleep on the job may indeed represent a problem. But if the only risks you face are paper cuts, I see absolutely no harm in spending 9 to 5 in a state of suspended animation.

Yet according to the brainiacs on NPR, there are people who find falling asleep in the daytime a problem. Believe it or don’t, they’d rather stay awake and work! Personally, I would say people who would rather work than sleep have another problem. They’re fruity nutcakes.

And so we return to the real crisis in falling asleep in the workplace -- how can you get a decent day’s sleep on the job when the entire thrust of the work experience is to keep you awake and, well, working. I’ve been waiting for a grant from the National Institutes of Health to explore this question, but since the one area of the work force that has mastered the art of sleeping through a crisis is the government, I suppose I’ll have to move ahead on my own nickel.

If you have a problem falling asleep in the workplace, here are three simple, scientifically-proven techniques for dozing while everyone else is doing:

1. Wear your pajamas to work

At first glance, wearing your PJ’s to work may not represent the “dress for success” image you want to project. But don’t jump to conclusions. How better to set yourself apart from the crowd in their Land’s End khakis and Polo button-downs than to show up in your jammies, especially if you procure a pair of PJ’s featuring some relevant cultural hero, like Bob the Builder for those in the construction business or for HR professionals, Bugs Bunny.

Wearing pajamas to work will tell your managers that you are so busy thinking about your job that you can’t even remember to get dressed in the morning. Why, your bosses could be so impressed they’ll send you off for a nice long vacation in a happy place with mattresses on the walls. And if they don’t, imagine how easy it will be to sleep through the day in your cozy-woozy pajamas with the fuzzy-wuzzy feet.

2. Take sleeping pills

You’ve seen the commercials for the new breed of sleeping pills – the kind that make little blue butterflies float over your head. Instead of taking your meds at night, pop a pill when you get up in the morning. By the time the daily staff meeting convenes you won’t be able to jeep your eyes open. [Sleep tip: make sure you seat yourself next to the pastry tray. If you’re going to drop off onto the conference room table, it’s much more comfortable to fall face first onto a platter of jelly donuts.]

3. Request a meeting with your manager

If you still have trouble falling asleep at work, this is an incredibly effective technique. Ask your boss to explain her vision for the company, including tips on how you can become a more productive employee. Before the boss finishes clearing her throat, you’ll be sound asleep, and chances are, so will the boss.