Work Daze

Since you’re a major fan of the hit TV series, “Lost,” you know that one of the lead characters, the semi-slimy con man hunk named Sawyer, has been captured by the bad guys, AKA “The Others.” Totally mean and rotten to the core, The Others tossed Sawyer into a giant cage where he was made to press a button if he wanted to eat, or drink, or show his abs.

Sound familiar?

Listen: if you’ve ever thought that your managers viewed you as some kind of lab animal, one more rat running in circles around a cubical maze, in search of the button that would deliver raises, titles and food pellets, I’ve got news for you.

You’re 100% right. And, in your employer’s eyes, 100% rodent.

I realized this scary truth the other day when an email popped into my mailbox describing a company called Snowfly. Located in bucolic Laramie, Wyoming, and named after a particularly lethal trout fly, Snowfly’s claim to fame is that it creates what it calls “Games That Drive Workplace Performance.”

The idea behind the company seems to be that since workers will waste time playing computer games anyway, managers should provide online diversions that will motivate and incent employees for working harder. The scientific theory behind these games is called “random positive reinforcement.” This theory holds that if players receive rewards on a random basis, they will continue to play longer than if they receive predictable rewards. This explains why it takes an army of security guards to pull granny off a slot machine. And why your regular, bi-weekly paycheck is about as motivating as a slap in the face with a frozen flounder.

Of course, this psychological mumbo-jumbo is hidden from the unsuspecting employees who only see colorful screens full of fun-filled games as “Snowfly Carnival” and “Fishing for Points.” Too stunned and stupefied to know they are being manipulated, the cube rat Manchurian candidates only know that if they successfully twist the arm of an unsuspecting consumer into accepting another credit card, or badger a welfare Mom into buying a vacation villa in Pongo-Pongo, they win an eToken for game play.

The prizes depend on the generosity of the employee, and can range from a gift card to a day off work. [Naturally, no one wants to win the day off – who could stand to be separated from Snowfly Carnival for even the time it takes for a bathroom break?]

But perhaps I am being harsh on the Snowfly folks. Giving your employees games to play is certainly better than giving your employees 40 lashes. To make up for my somewhat cynical view, allow me to help the company by offering suggestions on how to create games a tad more relevant and a lot more motivating.

1. Whack-A-HR Professional

A twist on the popular Whack-A-Mole game, this emotionally rewarding endeavor not only provides hours of fun, but allows the employee to discharge hostility that might otherwise be expressed by inappropriate workplace behavior, like throwing stale Christmas cookies at the HR staff or holding your breath until you turn red. In this game, every time an HR professional pops out of their hole to deliver a pink slip or worse, announce a training session, the player gets to beat the mole-man or woman with a shovel, causing extensive bleeding and cranial damage. The HR professional is immediately taken to cartoon emergency room where they are denied coverage by the company’s health care provider.

This game not only awards prize points for every hematoma, with double points for a skull fracture, but provides the employee with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction that could reduce the frequency of real-life HR maulings in the future.

2. Pac-Manager

You control the vertical. You control the horizontal. With your hands on the joy-stick, you send your bubble-headed boss whizzing up and down the org chart, avoiding career- gobbling monsters and energy-sapping power plays as your Pac-Manager brown-noses and butt-kisses his way up the corporate ladder. It’s fun for everyone, especially when your boss reaches the top and is sent to prison for sexual harassment of Ms. Pac-Manager.

3. Final Fantasy XXXXXI

The ultimate fantasy game – you do your job and no one messes with your mind using sinister psychology theories. Instead, your hard work is rewarded by your fair share of the corporate profits you generate and you are treated with respect and consideration by your managers.

Hey, I said it was a fantasy.

Since I haven’t quite mastered that revolutionary new business tool – I believe they call it a “calendar” – I don’t know whether you will be reading this before or after the Thanksgiving holiday. If you find that your normally svelte body is so bloated that you can no longer squeeze yourself into your cubical that’s a good clue that the big celebration is already behind you – in more ways than one.

Of course, the big problem with Thanksgiving is not the need to try every one of the brown, spongy pies that appear in the coffee room. The big problem is not finding too much to eat, but finding too little for which to give thanks. There’s a day off to be sure, but being in your office is probably better than listening to Uncle Frank retell the story of how he used to put in 16-hour days for which he was paid 65-cents a week, and let him tell you, he was glad to get it.

While most service and manufacturing companies do not allow more than a long week-end, many white collar firms close down for the entire week of Thanksgiving, the better to give their employees time to think up something to be thankful for. [Bank employees get the best deal of all. They get to come back to work on the Friday after Thanksgiving, making it impossible for anyone to expect them to be anything but grumpy the entire holiday season.]

In light of a thankfulness gap that is especially wide in this year of soaring outsourcing and shrinking pay raises, the team at Work Daze has put their heads together to put together a list of workplace blessings you may have failed to notice as you slog your way from January to December. Feel free to take advantage of these thankfulness reminders when anyone asks you what you feel thankful about this year; just don’t thank us for them. We can’t take the pressure.

Be thankful for your cell phone.

This digital marvel has truly changed the workplace. In Uncle Frank’s day, it was possible to leave your work at work. Now, with a cell phone, your work can follow you anywhere. Even better, your boss can reach you anytime. So you don’t have to waste time watching “The O.C.” or sleeping when you could be receiving those helpful blasts of hot air concerning the myriad of ways you could improve your performance in the workplace.

An additional benefit of the cell phone is that it provides a new opportunity for you to compete with your workmates over who has the latest and greatest technology. And by only allowing employees of a certain level the right to get high-end company-issued devices, like Blackberries, it insures that you always know your place in the company, and never make the critical error of thinking that you’re appreciated or important.

Be thankful for your computer.

Younger readers may not believe this, but there was a time in business when people didn’t use or even have computers. It’s true! Letters were written on something called a “typewriter,” and communication was done using a device called a “telephone,” or, in more advanced industries, a technique called “shouting.”

As result, people were busy were pretty much busy all the time, as the hunters and gathers of these primitive businesses hunted for “typewriter ribbons” and gathered “carbon paper.” [Don’t even ask for a definition of “carbon paper.” You’d never believe it.]

Though it may stretch credulity, in these Neolithic days, workers had assigned to them people called “secretaries,” often lovely, young woman who took “dictation,” typed letters, – get this! – cheerfully brought their bosses cups of coffee in the morning.

Fortunately, we now have computers, so we can do all our own work ourselves, and get our coffee ourselves, as well. And since computers also let us send e-mail instead of relying on a telephone, we can go weeks without actually talking to another human being, except the IT staff, and let’s face it, they hardly qualify.

Be thankful for your boss.

Yes, your boss is stupid, egomaniacal, and totally unworthy of his or her overblown salary. But you should still be thankful! Why, if it wasn’t for your boss, you’d have no one to complain about, and you’d be content and happy all the time. And you know what would happen then – everyone would think the boss is y-o-u!

Welcome to late November and the most terrible time of the year – the holiday season.

Please don’t make me out to be a Scrooge, (unless I can be Scrooge McDuck, of course, and swim backstroke through my money bin.) But getting through your workweek in forty hours is difficult enough without being forced to take time off. And the worst part is, you’re expected to be delighted and thankful for management letting you hang out at home!

Ridiculous! First of all, just because you have a Thanksgiving or Christmas vacation doesn’t mean that your work disappears. On the contrary, left alone to fester, your work grows like a giant fungus, getting larger and scarier with every passing vacation day as it lies waiting to attack the moment you come back.

And it’s not like being at home instead at your desk means you have no work to do. As the greatest living expert in looking like you are actually working, you can get away with doing almost nothing and still manage to complain bitterly about how overworked you are.

This charade is easily accepted by your boss, because your boss is an idiot. But your spouse or life partner is no idiot. They’ll know instantly that your decision to put off polishing the turkey platter and waxing the children and trimming the dog because you have an urgent need to lie on the couch with the soothing sound of televised sports in your ears does not represent an “imaging session to determine new corporate strategies.” Nope! At home, these kinds of shenanigans will be recognized by people who know exactly what you are –a 100% aged, U.S. Prime slab of sloth.

So what should savvy worker bees do to protect themselves during the perilous holiday season? Here are three tips I can share before I head off to the couch:

1. Offer to work on the holidays.

There’s no better place to spend the holidays than in your cubical. Think about it! You get endless credit for volunteering to give up your holiday to man the phones and monitor the servers. In one swell foop, you prove yourself to be the kind of loyal and totally insane employee who invariable gets promoted. And best of all, you are not only freed from the endless chores awaiting you at home, you won’t have to do any work at work! After all, who’s there to supervise you? The boss’s parakeet? [Probably not even Chirpy will be in the building. After the kind of year your company has had, your boss’s feathered friend is probably lying belly up on that highly polished turkey tray.]

2. Have a nervous breakdown.

Hey, you’ve been promising yourself a breakdown all year long, and the holiday season are the perfect time to make your dream of going goo-goo gaga come true. How you choose to demonstrate your mental meltdown is up to you. Some recommend jumping on your desk and shouting, “The Venusians are coming! The Venusians are coming! And all the conference rooms are booked!” Others prefer a more subtle approach, like quietly sitting through the next staff meeting, calmly munching on paper clips.

Whatever method you adopt, the holiday season means that your supervisor is not likely to crack down on your crack up. With their teeny little brains full of dreams of bonuses, even the meanest manager is likely to give you a pass. In other words, even if they don’t let you spend the holidays in a white room, they won’t charge you for the paper clips.

3. Give lavish gifts.

Eleven months a year, presenting your boss with an excessively expensive gift is considered bribery. During the holiday season, it’s a sign of affection and respect. What to give? Well, nothing says, “I’m glad you’re my manager” than a wad of fresh fifty dollar, tax-free bills. But don’t limit your gift list to top execs. Remember the little people who can do you big favors during the year. For example, a case of vintage Mountain Dew distributed among the IT staff could mean they come to service your computer a little more frequently than the company-approved policy of one update per millennium. And while you’re in a giving mood, how about your favorite workplace humor columnist who is so helpful in giving you suggestions about how to work less and earn more?

I’ll be putting in a lot of couch time this holiday and a cashmere blankie would sure come in handy.