Work Daze

[COLUMNS FOR OCTOBER 23 TO NOVEMBER 16 ARE ALL NEW, AND WILL NOT BE UPDATED UNTIL AFTER THE 16TH. SO PACE YOURSELF...]


Today’s sermon focuses on one of the most important relationships in your business life – your relationship with your local hospital. Speaking personally, I must confess to having a rather stand-off attitude towards my hospital. I think of them as little as possible, and as for dropping in for a cup of coffee and a transfusion, it rarely happens.

But apparently, my hospital feels differently. Apparently, my hospital is so anxious to spend quality time with me that it can’t wait for me to develop corporate tunnel syndrome after opening too many brewskis, or fall off my Barcolounger during the action-packed conclusion of the O.C.

A desire to take our relationship to the next level is the only explanation I can provide for the glossy publication that my hospital has started sending me. It’s called “Prevention Tips from yourhealth magazine,” and I suppose I should be happy for the attention. You certainly don’t get it when you go to the emergency room, even if you have a life-threatening situation, like getting your hand stuck in a ceramic Big Bird cookie jar. [It could happen! And if you writing this column with a cookie jar on your hand is easy, think again!]

The cover story in their latest medical missive concerns stress and how to “bust it,” which did appeal to me because so much of our work lives revolve around stress: giving it if you’re a manager, taking it if you’re an employee, and ducking it if you’re a goof-off like me.

But no matter how good we are at dodging and weaving, stress does occasionally creep into our work days. I’ve known this since the day my manager, thinking I was dead instead of merely visioning, insisted I take an EKG.

Stress, of course, is associated with heart disease, and according to Mark Wexman, MD, a cardiologist and the author of the stress buster cover story, “the secret to coping with stress is not to let it build to the point that it harms our health.” Dr. Wexman goes on to present a potpourri of suggestions for eliminating unnecessary stress in our jobs. Unfortunately, tips such as “examine your life, simplify and cut out the things you don’t need,” would also eliminate our jobs. To which I say, “Good-bye, job. Hello, Barcolounger.”

Wexman also recommends a full regime of exercise, which is really a good idea, but who has time? We have responsibilities to Playboy magazine, the Playboy Channel, and playboy.com. And then we have to leave the office and rush back to “Dancing With the Stars.” I tell you, there’s not a spare minute.

If work-outs are not going to work out for us, Wexman does have some other ideas, some of which are worthy of consideration.

• Overcome the illusion that you are Superman or Superwoman.

If you work for a boss, or have a spouse, it is probable that you have already lost any illusion of super powers. Wexman suggests you “concentrate not on doing it all but on doing what really needs to be done.” You could ask your manager if an assignment “really needs to be done” every time a new project is dumped on your desk, or you could do what I recommend – buy yourself a Superman outfit and a cape. If there’s anything that will convince your boss to stop treating you like a Superman, it’s the sight of you in tights.

• Share feelings with a friend.

Don’t try to cope alone, the doctor says. I say: don’t try to cope at all. A good nervous breakdown always clears the air, and when the men in white coats come to extract you from the back of the snack machine where you lie weeping in fetal position, you’ll soon find yourself in a calm and stress-free place. You’ll still be surrounded by crazy people, but at least at the asylum, they give you Jell-O.

• Take one thing at a time.

Don’t try to do everything at once. It only causes stress. Instead, take a single project and mess it up before going on to make a mess of the next project. Now doesn’t that feel more relaxing?

• Take a break from work.

Here’s an idea I endorse. How about checking out from work and checking into the hospital. Request immediate surgery to have that glossy magazine removed from your fist. I’m sure Dr. Wexman will be happy to perform the procedure, assuming, of course, you have no stress and plenty of insurance.

[COLUMNS FOR OCTOBER 23 TO NOVEMBER 16 ARE ALL NEW, AND WILL NOT BE UPDATED UNTIL AFTER THE 16TH. SO PACE YOURSELF...]




Attention, reader! Put down the bottle of Grecian Formula and walk away from the mirror. Yes, you are getting gray hairs. Yes, you are past 50 and therefore old and feeble and economically worthless. But cheer up, grandpa and grandma, you can still find a job. In youth-oriented Silicon Valley and all across the country, old is in!

I can report on this unlikely turn of events, not because I am over 50 myself, not in “resume years,” anyway, but because of a recent article in The Wall Street Journal. According to their reporter, Phred Dvorak, hot-shot Silicon Valley companies are turning to gray hairs to fill critical job opportunities. [The job opportunities for someone who spells his name weird will be the subject of a future article, I assume. In the meantime, Phred will be phocused on pheeding his phace.]

While many recruiters do report that anyone over 30 is not to be trusted, or hired, and that applicants over 40 are considered workplace dinosaurs, the uptick in hiring seniors may soon be a demographic necessity all across America. At long last, the Baby Boomer generation will start turning 60 this year, and those Boomers who have not frittered all their money away on BMWs may actually be able to retire.

Replacing the 60-year old Boomers with 50 year-old Boomers will be the only way American companies can fill the few jobs they haven’t sent to Bangladesh.

But hiring seniors is not simply a matter of demographic necessity. According to Phred’s reporting, companies are starting to see value in older workers because of their “expertise and wisdom.” In other words, all those hair-raising business experiences that turned your hair gray in the first place could now come back to help you.

“It seems like the right people are a little older,” says executive Randall Kruep, the Chief Executive of a wireless-networking start-up. “They don’t get rattled.”

This would be music to the ears of gray-haired job candidates, assuming you haven’t lost all of your hearing at this point. [Hey, your parents told you not to listen to that rock & roll music so darn loud!] In fact, one of the reasons that we gray hairs do not get rattled is that we’re too deaf and blind to know what’s going on. It’s true! It’s almost impossible to see the bad news in an Excel spreadsheet when you’ve left your readers at home.

Whatever the reasons for the gray hairs to become the belles of the hiring hall, it’s important for us to act on the news. Trends like this come and go, and who knows – the next hot demographic for hiring managers may be teen-agers, or robots, or poodles. [And wouldn’t that be great? With the common sense of a teen-ager, a robot’s ability to follow orders, and a gift for wagging our tail every time the boss comes along, this hiring trend would make thee and me truly hot prospects.]

Basically, it breaks down two ways:

1. If you’re under 50.

If you have the misfortune to be a young person, take steps to drape yourself in all the accoutrements of a cootdom. If you are applying for job at a groovy new company that has embraced “business casual” as a dress code, show up at the interview dressed formally. For men, this means a 3-piece suit and a pair of Reebok’s ersatz business shoes – the kind that look like baked beans with laces. For women, suits also work, but your shoe of choice should a pair of orthopedic walkers – available for sale in the Jimmy Choo section of your neighborhood pharmacy.

You’ll want to touch up your hair with gray highlights, of course, and have the Botox sucked out of your face so that each of your wrinkles are the size of the Grand Canyon. And don’t forget to spend your time waiting for job interviews shuffling aimlessly around the reception area, mumbling to yourself about “those darn kids who think they know everything.”

2. If you’re over 50.

You’ve got it made in the shade, grandpa and grandma. Arthritis, osteoporosis, incontinence – if you’ve got it, flaunt it! Just throw away your iPod, replace your jogging baby stroller with a four-wheel walker, and crank up your crankiness level to “stun.” The older, crabbier, and more decrepit you look, the faster you’ll be getting an offer letter.

Just be sure to have your readers on hand when that letter arrives, so you can see all the money they’ll be paying you.

[COLUMNS FOR OCTOBER 23 TO NOVEMBER 16 ARE ALL NEW, AND WILL NOT BE UPDATED UNTIL AFTER THE 16TH. SO PACE YOURSELF...]



So when exactly was it that you decided you needed a new career? Was it when you came to work and found your desk in the parking lot? Or was it a more subtle hint: like the moment when you ran into the big boss in the hallway and you said, “Nice to see you!” and she said, “Are you still here?”

Whatever the reason, chances are you’ve probably considered and rejected the usual list of possible new careers: doctor, lawyer, Indian chief. [Yes, I wanted to be an Indian chief, too, but there are very few openings, and you have to supply your own tomahawk and slot machines.] But do not despair. Thanks to a generous fellow named Stan Ross, a wonderful, exciting, glamorous career is only an Amazon click away. For Mr. Ross has written a must-read book for career changers, Inside Track to Careers in Real Estate.

Whatever track is available to people who want to change careers from real estate, I have no idea, but for every boy or girl who has fantasized about being in real estate, Mr. Ross’s book could be the answer to your dream.

No question, the author has a high regard for the profession: “Real estate professionals with a variety of talents, skills, experiences, and education backgrounds will be in demand,” Ross writes, “both in the traditional business of development, ownership, property management and real estate services, as well as in many other areas such as rebuilding neighborhoods or cities following natural or manmade disasters; sustainable development that improves our quality of life and preserves natural resources; or investment and development in emerging markets such as China and India.”

And here we thought that being in real estate meant hammering signs on the front lawn of overpriced dumps, and waiting for the suckers to drive by, checkbook in hand.

Another surprise is that not every one with big hair is cut out for the job. To see if you fit the bill, Ross recommends spending time researching the field, a rather onerous task, if you ask me, since it includes actually talking to people in real estate and attending their functions. Personally, I’m OK with going to the Realtors Ball, a glittering event held every year in Radiation Heights, a model community built over a toxic dump site, but when it comes to a mano-a-mano chin wag with a real estate professional, I’m not interested. Unless the real estate professional is The Donald, or his barber, I’d prefer to meet with my proctologist.

If you do decide that real estate is the career for you, the author suggests taking an introductory course at a local university in college. I recommend Flowery Descriptions 101, a challenging class where you’ll learn to dip your quill in purple ink and write copy like “a fabulous fantasy of elegant living is yours in this magical one-bedroom, no-bathroom abode located in precious proximity to the fun and excitement of a historic sewage plant.”

When looking for your first real job in real estate, Ross recommends you put aside your dreams of big money and choose a firm that has tons of prestige. In other words, reject Jim-Bob’s House of Repos and Foreclosures, but sign on immediately at Snob & Slob, Quality Homes for the Rich and Messy.

Once hired, your next step is to inform everyone you know. This is important because close friends and family are the people you are going to pester to distraction to get them to sell and buy a house from you. Start with your 90-year old grandmother who has been living in her comfortable, paid-off home for the last 60 years. She’ll really appreciate it if you can push her out into the street, and then saddle her with a mega-mortgage for a 6-bedroom McMansion that will take every penny of her pension.

Most important of all, the book recommends that aspiring real estate professionals have a good sense of timing. “Real estate is cyclical,” author Ross writes, and after watching the price of my home sink like a stone, I know this is true. But how can you sense where we are in the market cycle? One sure clue is to notice when people start writing books about how to get into the real estate business.

Once that happens, you can be sure a crash is coming. But don’t be afraid of falling prices and collapsing markets. As another career changer, P.T. Barnum, could have said, “There’s a sucker born every minute, and they all need places to live.”

[COLUMNS FOR OCTOBER 23 TO NOVEMBER 16 ARE ALL NEW, AND WILL NOT BE UPDATED UNTIL AFTER THE 16TH. SO PACE YOURSELF...]




Want to fatten up the good old paycheck? Here’s how to do it – show management that you’ve got plenty of the good old company spirit. In short, if you want the moolah, be boola-boola. Praise company management, extol the company vision, wear the company polo shirt, and sooner or later, but probably later, you will be rewarded.

But what if you can’t conjure up your minimum daily requirement of school spirit? What if you hate your job, hate your boss, and hate your parking space? How can someone like you – that is, someone with brains – weasel a few extra bucks out of the boss?

It is exactly this question that The Wall Street Journal tries to answer in a “special journal report” on the “Ten Ways To Get The Most Pay Out Of Your Job.”

I’m sure you agree that a better title would be “Ten Ways To Get The Most Pay Out Of Your Job Without Doing Any Extra Work Or Basically Giving A Hoot.” Still, I have to admit that the writer, Peri Capell, did come up with some ideas that are worthy of consideration, especially when you consider that in 2006, employee who were considered “best performers” received raises averaging 9.9% while “average performers” only garnered 3.6% raises, and “poor performers took home a piddling 1.3%.

Here are my top five of the Journal’s top ten:

#1. Listen to your boss.

Now here’s a radical concept. Ask your boss what she wants you to do and then do it. It might even work – if your boss had any clue about what she wants. A better plan would be to just do it, and then tell your boss it’s what she should want. Or don’t tell the boss anything, but do what you know she wants you to do – kiss up 24/7. Now that’s the way to listen.

#4. Learn about special commissions or awards.

According to the article, in many companies “special bonuses may also be awarded to employees who accomplish something that’s unusual for their positions.” These so-called “spot awards” can be quite lucrative, or quite demoralizing, as anyone will tell you who has brought in a big new account and received in return, a frozen Butterball turkey. The key to being able to dip into this special slush fund is to do something that’s not expected. In your case, that would be actually doing some work.

#7. Pay for as much as you can with tax-free income.

Many companies offer “flexible-spending accounts” that allow you to put aside a hunk of moolah on before-tax basis. Unfortunately, the IRS forces you to waste your tax-free bucks on nonsense like childcare and medical expenses. You can’t use this money for purchases that are important, like video games, or treating the crowd at the Kit Kat Lounge to a round of Flaming Zombies. Another problem with these flexible-spending accounts is a “use it or lose it” policy. But that shouldn’t represent a downside for you. If you run out of medical expenses, you can always sign up for that operation you’ve been wanting – a lobotomy.

#9. Turn down benefits that cost the company.

If you refuse to profit from expensive benefit programs, your company may give you the money saved in extra salary. As the article points out, turning down medical benefits is easy for someone who gets benefits from a spouse or partner, but I wouldn’t limit myself to taking the easy way out and getting hitched. What are the chances you are going to have a serious illness that requires surgery? In the unlikely event an organ fails due to an extended staff meeting, I’m sure you can find someone in the IT department who will perform the operation for a case of Dr. Pepper and a jumbo bag of beef jerky.

#10. Don’t forget the small stuff.

By small stuff, the Journal means discounts to local attractions, like the wax museum. But you work in a wax museum, so forget about it. What I mean by small stuff are the office supplies you can swipe and re-sell on eBay. And what about your trendy Aeron Chair – it’s got to be worth at least $20 bucks on the black market.

Management may get snarky when they catch you selling the carpet squares out of the reception area, but when they understand the cost of a round of Flaming Zombies, I see you joining the 9.9% raise group, no problem.

With subpoenas flying like snow flakes in a Montana blizzard, the pristine reputation of the Hewlett-Packard company has been irreparably sullied by an ethical scandal so egregious that even the members of Congress have taken notice of the offense. And that’s saying something.

Of course, there’s nothing new with corporate big wigs having a confrontation with legislators. The difference is that usually such face-to-face tête-à-têtes usually take place at restaurants, like Chez Cash, the chic Washington boîte where corporate chieftains exchange campaign contributions for legislative perks. The fact that unfortunate HP managers found themselves eating crow at a Congressional ethics committee demonstrates the magnitude of the computer maker’s decision to throw common sense and perhaps, common law, to the winds in their efforts to determine who in the company was leaking valuable, insider information to the press.

Executives trying to plug leaks from corporate hot tubs is not uncommon, but in this case, the overzealous HP management went too far. Rather than resorting to the usual and widely-accepted techniques, like water boarding mid-level marketing vice presidents, the corporate Sam Spades apparently utilized techniques that if not exactly illegal are certainly unsavory, including the use of “pretexting,” a high-tech form of fibbing that allowed the operatives to gather supposedly confidential information from that other bastion of ethical conduct, the telephone company.

HP also utilized super-sneaky devices like installing computer programs to track the computer keystrokes of its own key employees, leaving private black eyes on company management when the practice was discovered.

Like you, I do feel sorry for the overpaid, overstuffed HP executives who, like so many before them, woke up one morning to find they were no longer masters of the universe, or even masters of their own domain, but simply normal human beings wearing custom made Italian suits and bespoke English shoes, outfits that could, at the whim of a judge and jury, be exchanged for the latest in prison jump suits.

But what about the real victims of this crime? Who is expressing sympathy for all the hard-working, loyal HP employees whose bosses not only didn’t spy on them, but were never even considered worthy of a quick, illegal perusal of their hard drives.

Imagine the shame of the HP VP who had to crawl home after the scandal was exposed and admit to her family that no one had pretexted her telephone records; she simply wasn’t sufficiently significant for private eyes and ears to track her confidential phone calls to the Pizza Barn for the family’s top-secret double-cheese with pepperoni.

And if you want to feel sorry for a truly sad case, consider yours truly, a noted business columnist who never had anyone install secret software to count or even read his keystrokes. Hey, top-level HP board members could have been slipping me confidential information, and I would have printed it, too, if I hadn’t been quite so busy bidding for Star Trek memorabilia on eBay.

It may be too late for me to cash in on the notoriety of the HP scandal, but there’s still time for you to do yourself some career good by repositioning yourself as a potential leaker. All you have to do is let company management suspect that you are passing secrets to the press. [And don’t tell me your company doesn’t have any secrets! I don’t care if you’re in charge of dusting powdered sugar on the crullers at the Tip Top diner. As long as you have a boss, you have someone who believes there’s a secret advantage in the way your business operates, even if that secret ingredient is only his genius in advanced crueler twisting.]

But if you’re cursed with an honest nature, how do you shed suspicion on yourself? Showing up to work in a Rolls Royce Camargue is one way to tip off management. And when your supervisor comes into your cubicle for a little face-time, act guilty and start frantically feeding all those Chinese restaurant menus you’ve been collecting into the shredder. I also suggest getting a lock for your telephone. It’s inconvenient, but don’t worry. You’ll be making all your phone calls from empty conference rooms, where everyone can see you pace anxiously, pausing only to wipe the sweat off your fevered, guilty brow.

With any luck at all, your phone will be tapped. Your computer will be bugged. And you will be promoted.

Listen: anyone as sneaky as you will definitely be recognized as executive material.

As a service to busy executives like thee and me, The New York Times publishes a Sunday summary of the kind of critical business articles we would definitely read if we didn’t make a top priority out of napping.

This public service, while rarely providing the career-changing illuminations you find every week in this corner of this newspaper, does at least allow you to sound halfway intelligent when meeting with the quesos grandes in your workplace. I know eyebrows are invariably raised when I interrupt the morning chit-chat on the latest TV reality show to remark how much I enjoyed the article on the strategic uses of enterprise architecture in the Harvard Business Review or the Economist’s priceless take on the unexpected benefits of Sarbanes-Oxley legislation.

“I mean, I laughed until I cried,” I tell the assembled mouth-breathers. “Sarbanes and Oxley are the Abbott and Costello of our generation.”

Alas, this Sunday’s compendium of conversation killers left me dazed and confused. From a summary of a Psychology Today article on how to accept criticism in the office, I learned what to say when receiving your regular pummeling from the boss. But a précis on a piece in Men’s Health provided a list of a different choler. It outlined the type of comments one should never, ever say under penalty of firing, or worse!

Perhaps the best course of action would be for me to summarize the summaries, so that you can decide for yourself when and where to open your mouth, and when and where it is better to “zip it.”

To start on the positive as we always try to do, let’s consider what the Psychology Today author, Judith Sills, suggests you say when the boss lashes out with a lengthy and lethal critique of your job skills. Basically, what Ms. Sills recommends is to say exactly what you should have been saying since Day One: “Yes, boss. You’re right boss. You’re a genius, boss. And I’m a crummy, craven, catastrophic excuse for an employee who should have been canned a long time ago, and only receive my overly generous paycheck due to your kindness and compassion.”

In psychology speak, this is called “validation,” and it will, Sills writes, make your supervisor’s irritation with you vanish well before your job can vanish. Just don’t let the boss see you crossing your fingers.

Should you happen to disagree with your boss’s assessment of your skills, Sills recommends that you allow three days for sulking before offering a rebuttal. Frankly, I don’t think three days is enough time. I have been sulking ever since my fifth grade teacher gave me a B- on my summer vacation report, and I know the cloud of disagreeability that hangs over my head has saved my job many times. No one may want to lunch with an employee who walks around the office, muttering “I’ll show her…I show her…” but, on the positive side, no one much wants to criticize you, either.

In the what not to say department, Men’s Health’s Sarah Baldauf counsels against criticizing the boss, gossiping about co-workers, or revealing your secret plot to overtake the office competition. This is plainly ridiculous. If we didn’t criticize or gossip or plot, there’d be nothing to do at work all day, except work, and what fun would that be?

“Assume whatever you say will get back to the boss eventually, because inevitably it will,” says the magazine, demonstrating the opacity you should expect from a publication that puts a higher value on achieving washboard abs than developing the kind of big balloon gluts that allow one to sit at their desk all day without their butt cheeks going to sleep.

Of course, your boss will hear what you say about him or her. That’s why you say it. “I really don’t see why McMurphy stays with the company. With her abilities, she could definitely get a higher paying job without any trouble.”

By the time that ear candy gets back to McMurphy, she’ll already be polishing her resume and searching for greener fields. The magazine also suggests that you don’t make generalized comments about co-workers, like “Giddings is an idiot.” Instead, it suggests you specify your co-workers’ failings, to make you appear like a builder-upper instead of a tearer-downer. I agree. My suggestion would be “Giddings is an idiot, because he so stupid.”

In short, remember the golden rule of work: if you can’t say something mean, don’t say anything at all.