Work Daze

You will find this hard to believe, but I was once turned down for a job. The reason? After sailing through all the preliminaries, and getting thumbs up from staffers up and down the org. chart, I faced but one final hurdle—a “courtesy, rubber-stamp, no-pressure” lunch with the company’s CEO.

“We’re not hiring him,” I later learned the boss declared after what I considered to be a pleasant-enough repast at a local bistro. “I only hire people that I’d want sitting next to me on a cross-country flight.”

To this day, I don’t know what I did wrong at that lunch. It certainly couldn’t have been my spellbinding stories about teaching archery at boy scout camp, or the photos of my pet parakeet, Mr. Feathers, that I had thoughtfully brought along to display on my lap top computer. And as for my ordering an extra four surf ‘n turfs to take home for my family’s dinner—well, it’s not like the boss had to pay for it out of his own pocket. We were on expense account.

The point of this sad story is that if going to lunch with the boss is this dangerous, imagine the risks of actually taking that cross-country flight with El Queso Grande. It could be a complete, career-ending disaster, or as a recent column by Sara J. Welch in The New York Times recently suggested, “ A Tandem Business Trip Can Be an Opportunity to Stand Out.”

As an example of an employee who turned a trip with the boss into a springboard for promotion, Ms. Welch tells the story of a large-size female employee who, after her airline delivered her to petit-only Manila without her suitcase, “went a whole week dressed in men’s clothes and didn’t bat an eye.”

“The fact that this woman was able to adapt and roll with the punches,” made her boss realize that she could be a “star performer.” That she could also be a cross-dresser apparently did not cross the boss’s petit-size brain, but I still wouldn’t recommend the technique if you happen to be an employee of the male persuasion.

The fact that you could spend a week in female clothing may not be immediately recognized as a knack for “rolling for the punches.” In fact, you may find yourself on the receiving end of a few rather painful verbal punches (and pinches) when you return to HQ.

The Times column does provide a few semi-helpful tips for traveling with the boss. Terry Riley, a corporate psychologist from Santa Cruz, California, suggests that employees should “research the destination and the wants and needs of their traveling companion.”

“Ask the person’s assistant if they have any food allergies, say, or if there’s anything she especially likes to do.”

You certainly can spend time doing this kind of research, and if you learn that your boss is deathly allergic to, say, fish, a lot of potential problems could be avoided simply by showing up at the airport wearing a cologne made up of equal parts ground tuna and raw sardine. There’s no telling how impressive you can be with the boss in intensive care.

As for investigating what the boss “especially likes to do,” that certainly won’t be necessary. Who knows better than you that the boss really enjoys abusing innocent underlings for trivial mistakes that are not their fault. On a business trip of even moderate length, you should be able to find plenty of opportunities to take the blame for events that disappoint your manager, like the absence of Absinthe in the hotel mini-bar, or the excess pulp in the boss’s fresh-squeezed orange juice.

Ms. Welch’s column also cautions low-echelon traveling companions from being too friendly with their betters. Before you change your regular greeting from “Hello, Mr. Important, Sir. And may I say I feel honored to be in your exalted presence” to “Hey, Dude, wazzup?” consider the opinion of Chicago-based, industrial psychologist, Michael Barr, that traveling with a superior is like a job interview—“Remember, you’re being evaluated every minute.”

This is not to say that you can’t ever relax when on the road. After you’ve tucked your boss into bed, you are certainly free to take off and visit that leather and latex biker bar.
And if you see the boss there, remember to take pictures. They’ll be a nice memento for the two of you as you start what I suspect could be a rapid rise up the corporate ladder.

I know! It can be a little frustrating to read my endless complaining about work, especially when it’s combined with my totally negative attitude about bosses, and my completely hostile feelings about co-workers, no-workers, and super high achievers, too.

But suddenly, I am negative no more. Instead, I am full of optimism and hope. Just call me Little Bobby Sunshine for, at last, I have discovered a job that I know we would really enjoy—official unofficial driver of exotic, expensive, and 100% free European sports cars.

Here’s how it works: certain car companies, not satisfied with the effects of lavish television commercials and profligate print ads, secretly hand over the keys to their most pricey products to certain “beautiful people.” There’s no pay, but then again, the job does not involve a whole lot of heavy lifting. In fact, your duties are simply to drive your Jaguar or Mercedes around town for one year. Just drive, I said. Drive as you carry on your beautiful life style, giving the other beautiful people – and even some uglies – the opportunity to see you and your car in a variety of exclusively posh settings.

It’s called “product placement,” and while I always thought the placement was limited to slipping big jugs of Coca-Cola into the mitts of the American Idol judges, or making sure that Gwyneth and Uma had your cell-phone to their shell-like ears, the marketing geniuses who sell expensive autos have taken the concept to a new height (or low) by actually inserting their vehicles into everyday life, albeit into the neatly manicured hands of “beautiful people.”

Nico Bossi is one good example of the kind of beautiful person who gets to drive an $80,000 XJ Jaguar convertible around in return for, well, being beautiful. The 27-year old New Yorker is described by The Wall Street Journal, which broke the story, as looking like a “runway model.”

“Bossi and his silver ride show up at all the right places,” the Journal admiringly exalts. “He is known to pull up at Milk and Honey, a Lower East Side lounge where patrons need reservations and a secret phone number to get in.”

I’m not here to Eurotrash Nico, but let’s face it – you are much more of a role model than some punk jet setter who got everything he ever wanted from the gene pool handed to him on a silver platter. And as for being one of the beautiful people, well, you are so beautiful to me, as someone would surely say, like your partner, or your cocker spaniel, or for that matter, Joe Cocker.

Besides, how much better for Jaguar to have an ordinary Joe or Jill show up at the local hot spots in their pricey new sports car—someone who loves the car so much they had to dig into their children’s college fund to buy their wheels, as opposed to someone who just skimmed some caviar money from their trust fund. Besides, that Jaguar will really stand out at the Kit Kat Klub’s Amateur Wet T-Shirt Night, whereas I’m sure that at Milk & Honey, it just gets lost in a sea of limos and Pimpmobiles. [And don’t put up your nose at the Kit Kat, an chic bistro that is not only unlisted, but doesn’t even have a telephone.]

As to your duties, once you have been selected as a Jaguar driver, they are minimal to say the least. “Both my work and my personal time are quite social,” reports Nico, “so incorporating the XK into my everyday life is a natural.”

I’m not sure it will be quite so easy to incorporate an $80,000 sports car into your everyday life, so perhaps Jaguar will chip in a few bucks to help with expenses. Nico pays his own way at his “hangouts,” but unless they have added valet parking at the Bowl ‘n Burger, you may need to hire bodyguards to insure that when you turn in your Jag, it still has its wheels, its radio, and its engine.

You also must be ready to reel off the technical specs of “your” car if some looky-loo celebrity notices it in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Nico has apparently memorized the horsepower and torque data, which he recites with a “hint of an Italian accent,” but no one expects that kind of articulate response from you. Just say, “zoom-zoom, grrrr-grrrr, beep-beep.”

If that doesn’t make Jaguar happy, tough cookies. You’ll just go back to driving your Edsel.

True confession: I honestly believed that my negative feelings about my job and my boss and my co-workers and my water cooler were a permanent condition brought on by the utter awfulness of my working conditions, and the fact that I had to work at all, due to the carelessness of my parents in not being Rockefellers.

But I now see the errors of my ways. It is not my parents’ fault, nor is any of the blame due to the job itself, which is, as my boss affectionately insists, a “wonderful opportunity, especially for a bozo like you.” My problems, and perhaps, yours, as well, are due to a 21st Century malady called “Burnout.”

Or so claims Mike Staver, CEO of the business consulting firm, The Staver Group.

“No matter what you do for a living, it’s hard to cope in today’s world,” say Staver. “Stress is taking a toll on today’s employees and everyone pays the price. Businesses suffer because overstressed workers are less productive than they would be if they were fresh and inspired. Obviously, the employees themselves suffer most of all—and because they can’t turn off the stress at the end of the day, their partners and families are affected, too.”

Unlike thee and me, Consultant Staver does not spend his days endlessly bemoaning his lot in life, but instead, looks on the bright side by providing us with an intriguing list of “Burnout Busters.”

Is it possible that we can replace our downbeat demeanor and awful attitude with a pleasing, productive “can do” approach? Let’s find out.

1. Start your day with powerful high-energy music.

No mater what musical genre you choose, rock or pop, Staver insists that a “morning infusion of music creates a sense of positive energy and enthusiasm.” Alas, it didn’t work for me. On my way to work, I popped in a terrific CD of Ryan Seacrest’s Top 100 funeral dirges and Gregorian Chants, and by the time I got to my cubical, I was despondent and in tears. So, I’ve got to rate this tip a failure. Usually, I don’t get start crying until 10 AM.

2. Get an “accountability partner” to help you stay focused.

Cautioning us not to enlist “a spouse or romantic partner” to fill the role, Staver suggests that this person “will help you look at things objectively, understand yourself better, and be more well-rounded.” I’ll leave the question of whether or not a spouse could be a romantic partner to an expert in the field, like Heather Locklear, and focus on the employment side of the equation.

Basically, I think having a partner in workplace crime is a good idea, but do choose wisely. Determine which people in your company are the most determined, career-oriented, hard-charging individuals and avoid them like the plague. You want your accountability partner to be an even bigger goof-off than yourself, so that by comparison, you’ll always look good. Granted, it may be difficult to find a worse employee than you, but make the effort. You’ll not only feel better about your meager contribution to the company’s progress, but your “accountability partner” may be able to show you some new places in the office to take naps!

3. Take a power nap.

Speaking of naps, Burnout Buster Staver recommends 15- or 20- minute power naps. He wants you to elevate your feet. Check! He also suggests a “low-tech alarm clock,” like holding “a pen or set of keys in one hand, keeping the arm holding the object slightly raised.” The idea here is that when you are in dreamland, your hand will relax, the object will drop, and you will wake up, refreshed and ready for whatever the future brings—hopefully, another nap.

But what object to hold? That is the stress buster issue that stresses me. With your problems, you can easily power nap through a bouncing ballpoint or a set of jangling keys. How about holding a 3-month old baby? Or a 3,000-year old Egyptian vase?

If you really want to be sure of waking up, try holding a martini glass. I can sleep through crying or crashing, but I can’t stand spilling gin.

I’m sure any of these tips will bust your burnout, so thanks to Mr. Staver, but just remember—the consequences of burnout are not all negative. Burned out employees do get fired, but lively, energetic, super-motivated and totally positive employees face a fate that’s even worse. They get promoted.

So, shoot me. It’s halfway through summer and I’m only now getting around to Spring Cleaning my electronic mailbox.

It’s a wonderful feeling to dust the cobwebs off the stack of electrons that are cluttering your computer, reading with sentimental joy the nasty collection notices and urgent email assignments that you have ignored for months and even years. Sure, it’s a little sad to be reminded of all the important meetings you have missed, and the urgent conference calls you have ignored, but opening your computer every workday morning and seeing an email box absolutely free of communication helps you remember your career goal of getting paid as much as possible for doing as little as possible.

As they say in the MasterCard commercials, the joy of being a well-paid slacker is simply priceless.

Despite my best intentions to do the worst job possible, I must admit I sometimes do feel a tad guilty over the emails I have ignored. In my role as the leading – and only – workplace humor columnist, I am often pinged by mad-dog public relations professionals beseeching me to honor their clients in print.

Like David Reeves of Reeves PR who emailed me in the hopes that I would sing the praises of his client, the Cutco Corporation. Of course, you’ve heard of Cutco, “the largest kitchen cutlery manufacturer in the US.” Hardly a day goes by in my office when talk around the water cooler doesn’t turn to the latest new Cutco product to hit the market. [I’ll never forget 2002 when the entire company was abuzz with news of Cutco’s introduction of an Ice Cream Scoop, a Cheese Knife and Bird's Beak Paring Knife. Talk about excitement!]

The reason I was chosen to get a peek into the inner-workings of the glamorous cutlery industry was Cutco’s unique marketing technique, which involves hiring college students to knock on doors all across America, hawking their wares in the tradition of the Fuller Brush and Mary Kay.

“Many job candidates turn their noses up to learning the basics of sales,” the Cutco press release breathlessly reports. “They don’t want to spend a career making cold calls, selling insurance, or going door-to-door.”

This is undoubtedly true, though putting in four or five decades riding a desk through the cube farm is no party, either. The folks at Cutco do have a point when they point out that selling is an important business skill, whether the item you are selling is a kitchen knife, a nuclear generator, or the flimsy fantasy you call your resume.

“This is an important topic,” PR man Reeves concludes, “one that would be of interest to your readers,” I’m not so sure, though I personally believe that if I were in a position to hire, I would definitely consider a Cutco graduate. I’ve seen what college students look like today, and any college student with his body covered with tattoos and piercings who can arrive at a housewife’s door with a sales case full of razor-sharp kitchen knives and not get himself arrested can probably survive quite well in corporate America.

Another email that I gleefully deleted was from Rob Skinner of Schwartz PR. Rob’s client is JobKite.com and the reason he was writing was the gauge my interest in “Bring Your Pet To Work Week.” Alas, Rob neglected to tell me the exact date of this grand event, nor could I find the date after 30-seconds of intense web research.

Whenever you choose to celebrate this strange holiday, please include me out. It’s bad enough that people have to go to work. Why a pet lover would subject their poor dog, cat, or Gila Monster to the harsh environment of the workplace is beyond me. Plus, having a cute kitty or an adorable Afghan lashed to your desk is a totally bad career move for you.

Let’s face it: you’re not getting paid for the work you do or your general brilliance. You were hired because you are so cute and adorable. The pet in your family is you, bub, and no matter how good you are at heeling when you follow the boss around, and slobbering affectionately when he or she begins blathering about their business philosophy, you’re never going to compete with a cute cocker spaniel.

Bottom line: if a co-worker suggests you celebrate “Bring Your Pet To Work Day,” just start barking. If anyone at your workplace is going to get a doggy treat, it’s should be you.