Work Daze

If you were surprised by a bunch of midgets running around your office on April 27, I have the explanation. These weren’t Munchkins, and you had not fallen into a low-budget remake of “Wizard of Oz.” The 27th was “Bring Our Daughters and Sons To Work Day,” and if you didn’t participate, you not only missed a great opportunity to depress your children, but you also gave your workplace competitors a major chance to move ahead of you in the race for promotion, salary, and longevity.

It’s true! Given the stress, expense, and aggravation surrounding the raising of children, about the only good reason for reproducing these days is to use your kid as a tool for career advancement. And though the organizers of Bring Our Daughters and Sons To Work Day have idealistic reasons for inventing this new holiday, I’m pretty darn sure that leveraging the kiddos is what they really had in mind.

Marc Karasu, a Senior Vice President with the employment web site, HotJobs, certainly had his eye on the prize when he sent me an email with this most excellent advice relating to the happy day: “Looking for a way to get kudos with your boss? Try becoming buddies with his or her kids.”

Well, exactly. Waylaying the boss’s kids, stuffing them with ice cream and candy, buying them Barbies and bicycles, and teaching them to recite your name and salary demands—that’s what it takes to get ahead these days. [It’s also what it takes to get arrested for kidnapping, so watch your step.]

It’s too late for the 2006 kids at work celebration, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t start planning for next year’s event. Nor should you discount the possibility that the boss’s spawn will be in the office for other reasons, like the annual scourging of the marketing department, or wonderful annual ceremony where your numero uno gets his weight in rubies and stock options. You may also run into the boss’s kids when you are performing regular work tasks, like detailing the boss’s Bentley, or dropping off the dry cleaning.

Unfortunately, lavishing attention on the boss’s kids is such an obvious strategy that you may have to be extra clever in how you approach the task. Your office enemies will certainly want to pay their respect to the little princes and princesses so be prepared to involve yourself in a bidding war for their affection.

You could, I suppose, start stocking your cubical with a variety of lavishly wrapped gifts [a good source is the annual “Toys For Tots” drive], but I recommend you bypass the autographed Star Wars gift sets and diamond-encrusted Easy-Bake ovens your competitors will try to foist on the royal family. Instead, simply buy a pony and keep it in your cubical until the little lord or lady arrives at the workplace. Ponies don’t eat much and they can help you with your workload until the great day arrives. [You can also supplement your meager income by giving rides to the IT people.]

At this point you may be bursting with a question: “Bob,” you ask. “What if my boss doesn’t have children and what if I do? Is there still some way I can use my kids to get ahead?” The answer is “yes, yes, a thousand times yes.”

If your boss has no children, it’s probably because she or he has been so focused on their own career progress that they have no time for sex, or they are such awful human beings that natural selection has prevented them from finding a mate. In this case, it makes good sense to offer your children to your boss. She or he can simply borrow them for “Bring Our Daughters and Sons To Work Day,” or you could work out a lease-purchase agreement, whereby the boss gets custody when they’re young and cute, and can return them when they reach the teen-age years when they tend to become spiky and expensive.

Whatever the arrangement, be sure to train your children to mindlessly parrot your unabashed admiration and worship of your boss. Forget drilling the little ones on their multiplication tables and phonics. Focus instead on key phrases, like “My Daddy thinks you’re a genius,” or “Mommy says I can’t have heart surgery, because she doesn’t make enough money.”

If you’re really lucky, maybe your kids will participate in “Take Our Mommies and Daddies to Kindergarten Day.” Now there’s a work place where you could really kick butt.

Get out your handkerchiefs, cube dwellers. This is going to be a weeper.

I’m in New York City on a business trip and in the middle of a day of bustle and hustle, I realized suddenly that a great cultural institution has virtually disappeared from the urban landscape. I had actually read about the phenomena, but had no personal experience with the acute pain and the loss of discovering that life has changed forever until when, at lunch time, I walked from East 57th Street all the way to West 34th Street without ever once finding a coffee shop.

It’s true! There were Starbucks and Subways and Quiznos and Blimpys, but no coffee shops. Not one. None. Zero.

The reason for the dearth of places to dunk a donut or order up a tuna sandwich was obvious. It was all those darn Starbucks and Subways and Quiznos and Blimpys. Retail tornados of uncaring franchise land barons have swept through Manhattan, buying up all the locations that once housed the friendly, neighborhood eateries where one could always count on a huge menu with endless selection that rivaled a cruise ship buffet in its scope. Where breakfast was served all day. Where there was always a baked apple to be had or a bowl of rice pudding. And where the service was fast – faster, usually, than the customer who sat on an uncomfortable tuffet of a stool, listening to the counter staff call back and forth with orders for the kitchen and general complaints on the unfairness of life.

[They were usually Greeks, these counter people. Where they have all gone, I have no idea, but I don’t think they’re serving up lattes and macchiatos. I do know this – the Seinfeld gang would have nowhere to hang out today. And the humor of the famous John Belushi bit on “Saturday Night Live,” where the counterman is eternally damned to repeat “cheeseburger-cheeseburger-cheeseburger,” would never be understood today. It would to be replaced with the new chant of “Frappichino-Frappichino-Frappichino.”]

The tale of the vanishing coffee shop reminded me that our cultural environment can change in ways that are just as sudden and surprising as what is happening to our weather [not that I believe in global warming, but here in Manhattan, it is raining frogs.] And that we really can take nothing for granted.

Consider your own work environment. If you think about it, you’ll discover many traditional landmarks of office life that have become extinct, or are heading in that direction. For example:

The office manager

Once upon a time the office manager job was given to uptight, agonizingly anal individuals who were too tightly wound to do any productive work, but could be counted on by management to obsess about every paperclip and treat each sheet of carbon paper as their own. Office managers, too emotionally explosive to deal with customers or clients, were given free range to supervise employees who they intimidated with threats of secret powers, little dictators who roamed the floor, hated by all and enjoying every minute of it.

Modern computer systems replaced the need for office managers, and now all these flawed, bitter, and punishing individuals have been given new assignments where their terror tactics can be put to good use. That’s right; they work in HR

The boss’s secretary

In the good old days, the boss had a secretary who answered his phone and kept his calendar – both jobs now performed by microchips. The boss’s secretary was invariably an older woman, preferably widowed, the better to project an image of virginal sanctity that made any idea of sexual relationship unthinkable. Yet, it was offered rumored that there had been a “warmer” relationship in earlier days.

Though grandmotherly and nurturing to the “young sprouts,” heaven help anyone who crossed the boss’s secretary. One word and you were dead meat. What happened to these women, history does not record. I think the majority now work as madams in fancy houses.

The sexy receptionist

In ancient days, businesses hired attractive young women to sit at the front desk, the better to project a youthful, appealing image. Today, of course, this is considered rank sexism and receptionists, if they even exist, have been replaced by security guards – dangerous looking corporate bouncers in generic uniforms who carry pagers and tasers and would happily beat you to a pulp if you even considered stealing one of the reception room’s dog-eared copies of Newsweek.

You

You mean you really didn’t know?

It’s all my fault! If I weren’t such a disorganized mess, you’d be slim and trim today.

Let me explain: I just found a life-changing press release in the leaning tower of paper I call my filing system. The release was released in December of last year, timed for a New Year’s resolution article about how managers could motivate their employees to lose weight. Unfortunately, I was too busy finishing off the Christmas goose to notice the newsflash and now, here we all are, fatter than ticks, preparing to mug the Easter Bunny for his stash of crème-filled chocolate eggs.

But it’s never too late to become a loser, and I’m sure that’s a sentiment likely to be endorsed by Thomas N. Gilliam, Ph.D, the author of “Move It. Lose It. Live Healthy: Achieve a Healthier Workplace One Employee at a Time.”

It is Mr. Gilliam’s contention that an enlightened employer can lighten up his workforce with a “corporate wellness program.” While I am less sanguine about getting over-stressed, underpaid worker bees to “just put down that jelly donut and come out with your hands up,” author Gilliam certainly has a plethora of facts to demonstrate that the fat in our systems is doing more than clogging our arteries.

Take the sad case of General Motors where it was reported that every obese worker costs the company an extra $1,500 every year in health costs. And since 34% of GM’s active workers and dependents are obese, that adds up to an extra $1.4 billion in healthcare costs per year. Not to mention the expense of the recalls to remove the Domino pizza boxes from the oil pan of your Chevy Conquistador.

And the percentage of obese workers is rising all across the economic landscape. Obese workers grew to 37% in 2005 and are expected to explode to a full 47% by 2010. Scary numbers, though, of course, it all depends on your definition of obese. [My definition doesn’t rely on a bunch of complicated statistics. In my world, an obese person is defined as anyone who is fatter than me.]

Being a Ph.D, Dr. Gilliam is smart enough to realize that getting employees to shape up takes more than scary statistics. He offers some tips for the caring, cost-conscious manager to utilize in trimming the fat around the office. I’ll share a few to help you get started:

1. Broach the subject in terms of overall health, not just weight.

If you don’t want to offend your obese employees, Gilliam suggests you downplay any emphasis on the disadvantages of being overweight and focus instead on the positive attributes of being healthy. “Remind people that by losing weight, they may ward off hip and knee replacements, diabetes, heart disease, perhaps even cancer.”

I disagree. While this is certainly the politically correct way to discuss weight, I’m not sure the fatties in the group will get the message. Believe me, if I can convince myself that the best explanation for why my pants no longer fit is because there are Martians living among us who are trying to make us lose confidence by systematically shrinking our Dockers, I’m never buying some ridiculous story about celery being good for you.

2. Get your employees excited about good nutrition.

Gilliam suggests erecting a “recipe bulletin board so that employees can share the details of their delicious finds and their own culinary creations.” He also suggests a “potluck lunch to which everyone brings his or her favorite healthful dish.” Now this might actually work. Once your co-workers smell the irresistible aroma of your muskrat meatloaf with hollandaise they may give up eating altogether.

3. Foster and encourage exercise groups

“Put a treadmill in a vacant room,” suggests Dr. Gilliam. I would put a treadmill in every cubical. They’re cheaper than those fancy Aeron chairs we have now, and are really much more appropriate for a group of people who are working hard and not getting anywhere.

4. Remove all junk food from the premises.

Gilliam is correct when he suggests “it’s hard to stay on track when vending machines packed with grease and sugar and trans fatty acids beckon with their sinister glow.” On the other hand, it is even harder to stay employed when deprived of these essential and yummy elements. With our measly paychecks, if it weren’t for the opportunity to satisfy our addiction to trans fatty acids, we would probably never come into work at all.

Question for you—would it change your opinion of this column if you learned that I wrote it in the nude?

Whether your response is a thoughtful “Yes,” or an understanding “No,” or simply the natural expression of a hearty gag reflex, the question of my secret life as a clothing-optional columnist is probably not a matter of serious importance in your working life. What may be of more critical import is the rather horrifying news that a significant percentage of the people with whom we interact over the telephone and the Internet are, in fact, stark raving starkers.

According to a survey conducted by a network security provider, SonicWALL, Inc., 12% of all males and 7% of all females who work from home work in the nude. So when you’re waiting endlessly on the phone for a customer service rep, or cued up for an online chat session with a technical support person, remember it does no good to reason with these people. After all, how can you reason with someone who believes that an appropriate work outfit is skin?

If the thought of dealing with a bunch of secret naked people makes you feel squeamish, then you probably are not a member of AANR, the American Association for Nude Recreation. The PR firm for AANR recently pinged me with a breathless email flash on the results of the survey which, curiously, they find to be positive news.

Personally, I would think that the American Association for Nude Recreation would be vehemently opposed to nude workers. After all, it’s one thing to strip down for a friendly game of volleyball or Red Rover, but when it comes to doing serious work, that’s a time for Brooks Brothers and Lands End. Think about the reservation clerks at Southwest Airlines, famous for their work-at-home policy. Before Southwest calls to tell me my flight to Tulsa is delayed and I’m being rerouted through Buenos Aires, I’d like to think that at least they put on a pair of socks.

And what about safety issues! The SonicWall survey of 941 workers was focused mainly on IT professionals, people whose greatest danger is that they would actually solve a user’s problems and put themselves out of business. But what about home workers who don’t deal with Power Macs, but power saws? I don’t mean to be crude about it, but if a nude lumber yard worker gets distracted, more than a telephone call might get cut off.

While the AANR is focused on the glories of working in the nude, the stay-at-home worker finds other positive attributes to virtual employment. Thirty-nine percent of both male and female workers report choosing sweats at their work wardrobe. This strikes me as very sad. Unless you’re an Olympic athlete, deciding to wear sweats is simply saying to the world, “I’m a loser. I give up.”

Following on the loser theme, only 30% of work-at-home men bothered to shower before hitting their desk and only slightly more, 33%, took time to shave. You can imagine for yourself what our at-home work force looks like—a bunch of smelly, hairy, sweated-out house slobs.

Women who work at home have quirks of their own. A full 38% report taking time off from the jobs their bosses give them to handle household chores. How many report damp mopping the family room on their time sheets we’ll never know.

One piece of good news is that 21% of home workers report taking time off for an afternoon nap. No wonder these stay-at-homes are so darn productive. They skip their morning nap!

In conclusion, I must say that I don’t think it’s fair that only remote workers get to work in the nude. We nine-to-five types can skip showers and even wear sweats, but try shedding your clothes at the front door of your workplace and you’ll find yourself running up against an unfortunate wall of prejudice.

It’s crazy, of course. We can be just as productive in our jobs without being in our clothes. Yes, it may be a little distracting to see the office manager jiggle by in the altogether, and certainly, there are medical risks. I refer to the dreaded Aeron Chair butt brand, not to mention the third-degree carpet burns on your knees when begging the big boss for a raise.

But I say, “Go for it.” You may not have to worry about power saws, but do be a little cautious around the shredder.