Work Daze

Come on, people! I recently recommended cosmetic surgery as a simple step to career success and what do I see—the very same unlifted faces and untucked tummies. Is it any wonder you’re going nowhere in a nowhere job? If you won’t at least go under the scalpel to get over your stalled career, is there anything I can do for you?

As it happens, there is.

People too scared or too stingy for plastic surgery can still improve their looks and their job prospects by putting themselves in the sterilized and stylish hands of an image consultant. According to a recent article in The Wall Street Journal, there are more than 1,500 image consultants plying their curious trade in the U.S. today, compared to a measly 1,000 fashion gurus in 2004.

Spurred on by the success of television shows like “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” and “Fashion Emergency,” the image consultants are doing a landmark business, charging their clients from $100 to $250 an hour to criticize their clothes, mock their makeup, and harass their hairstyles.

The image consultant racket is not just for women, either. Big, brawny macho men like thee and me are also putting their closets in the hands of wardrobe experts who blithely recommend leather pants to turn preppies into pop stars and sleek Italian footwear to make nerds natty.

“Many people who hire these services do it for career reasons,” explains Marion Gellatly, president of the Association of Image Consultants International. Makes sense to me. The old adage of “dress British, think Yiddish” may not work for everyone in our fast-paced, media-savvy business world. One style no longer fits all when it comes to business today, and that Brooks Brothers lawyer type might look a lot hotter appearing on “Court TV” if he dressed like an Isley Brother instead.

While an initial consultation with a style swami may set you back only a couple of thousand simoleans, be prepared to spend megabucks on executing the plan. If a firm like Empowerment Enterprises of Austin, Texas, or Impression Pros of Miami, Florida, decides that the best way to stand out in your career as a bank loan officer is to adopt the pimp-daddy look of a major rap star, you’ll need to shell out big-time for a floor-length leopard skin coat and mink knee-high boots. But you’ll definitely be noticed, so it will be worth it, at least until the bank examiners show up. After an audit, you won’t have to worry about your wardrobe. Prison blue goes with everything and it’s very slimming.

If you suspect your image is holding you back, but are still reluctant to ring up an image consultant, I will provide a few useful tips that, if followed to the T-shirt, should move you up the ladder far enough that you can afford full-time professional help.

1. Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.

Take a look at management in your firm. What do they do? Not much of anything, really, except loaf and look confident. Prove that you can fit right in with the contemplative, laid-back management style by showing up for work tomorrow in a plush, baby blue, 100 percent cotton chenille robe with matching pj’s and fluffy bunny slippers. Curl up in a corner of your cubical and when people ask what you’re doing, just tell them the truth. You’re not daydreaming, you’re visioning.

2. Casual doesn’t cut it.

Workplaces have gone from casual Friday to casual everyday. Few men wear ties anymore and if a woman is wearing heels, chances are she’s also wearing jeans. If you want to stand out from the crowd, you’ll have to drown that J. Crew catalog and find a unique style, appropriate to your career goals. For example, if you’re in the financial area, a stud-encrusted leather catsuit with matching S/M collar will prove to management that you are serious about enforcing the rules for expense accounts.

3. Hide in plain sight.

For workers who are concerned about job cutbacks and plant closings, the best solution is head-to-toe camouflage gear. Replace that boring blazer with a camo hunting jacket, nine-pocket pants, and a ranger hat. You might feel silly, but think of the advantages. After all, if they can’t see you, they can’t fire you. (Note to all employees in the office of Vice President Dick Cheney. In your job, this strategy may have its drawbacks.)

For those readers sufficiently fortunate to have my photo printed with the text of this column, I know what you are thinking—a person this movie-star handsome must have had lots of plastic surgery.

Believe it or not, I have yet to have any major work done. Beyond a simple forehead lift, chin and cheekbone implants, eyelid enhancement, collagen lip injections, nose reconstruction, hair transplants, chemical dermabrasion and laser facial resurfacing, I am virtually the same person I was when I started in this business, some three hundred and fifty years ago.

Or so it feels. Being the beloved elder statesman in the workplace has its advantages, but getting big fat raises and skyrocket promotions are not part of it. Perhaps that’s why so many of us are spending our excess cash in procedures that will mitigate the effects of our excess years.

According to the American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, the number of plastic surgery procedures and injections increased 34 percent between 2002 and 2004. In 2004, the academy reported, 22 percent of men and 15 percent of women who sought plastic surgery did so for “work-related reasons.”

(Like paying for the costs of their surgery jones, I suspect. The surgery academy also reported that in 2004 the average cost of a face-lift in the United States was $6,505; a brow lift, $3,439; and Botox injections, $441 a visit. And it’s probably even more expensive if you, like thrifty little me, don’t get your work done at Home Depot.)

This boom of cosmetic surgery in the workplace has caught the attention of The New York Times, which recently published a breathless article on the phenomenon. Frankly, after all our years of bowing and scraping, are we really surprised by the positive effect of a little slicing and dicing?

It’s a rule of the business jungle: good-looking people go further, faster. If you haven’t seen it yourself, in your company or in your mirror, a Harvard study cited by The Times concluded there is a “sizable beauty premium” in the labor market. And according to the University of Texas, “men and women with above-average looks receive a pay premium, while workers with below-average looks receive a pay penalty.”

The lesson here is clear. If you’re just starting out in your career, instead of paying a fortune for a name-brand education, use that money to buy name-brand cosmetics. Yale and Princeton look nice on the resume, but you’ll go further with a degree from Revlon and Lancome.

Of course, for older workers, drugstore remedies may no longer be sufficient to do—or save—the job. I can’t tell you exactly the right age to go under the knife, but if you’re not a vice president by the time you’re 35, I’d say it’s time to empty your 401(k) and take a number of your neighborhood doc in the box. (That doc is likely to have extended hours for your convenience, by the way. Some are even open on Saturdays to sandblast clients who can’t get away during the workweek.)

While I wholeheartedly endorse surgery as a way to get ahead in the workplace, objective journalistic standards demand that I throw a caveat or two in your path to the Brad Pitt cheekbones or Lisa Rinna lips that we know will turbocharge your career. According to one surgery consultant, an ultra-tight face-lift or too much collagen pumped into your lips could “cause your career investment to backfire.”

“When you get back, it can become water cooler talk,” the consultant rightly suggests. But is that a bad thing? It’s tough to be promoted if no one notices you, and if having lips the size of Frisbees brings you to the attention of management, I say—go for it.

If you do decide to hide your adventures, face the fact that you will be limited in the procedures you can accomplish. The recovery time for a full face-lift is well beyond the meager two-week vacation most companies dole out. You may want to invent a reason for staying out of the office, like going into rehab for a drug or drinking problem. This never seems to hurt movie stars, and you can explain your addiction problems by your fanatical commitment to your job. Remember: a face-lift also lifts your spirits, and with a chemical dependency and a chemical peel, it will be clear to everyone that when it comes to selecting executive material, you are strikingly beautiful.

If you’ve been waiting for me to approve of your office affair, wait no longer. I’m signing off on smoldering passion in the cube farm. In fact, indulging in a steamy, sizzling office romance is the third of the three reasons for going to work that I can wholeheartedly endorse. (No. 2 is money and No. 1 is the free luncheon smorgasbord available in the office fridge to the lawless and the stealthy.)

Apparently, I am not alone in my passion for passion. According to a very scientific survey conducted by the libidinous cupids at simplyfired.com, intra-office romances are so common they are virtually part of your job description.

It’s true! More than 35 percent of people have fantasized about a co-worker, according to the statistical love bugs. And while it is not revealed if these fantasies include daydreams about boiling the boss in a pot of Campbell’s Chunky Clam Chowder, it certainly suggests that when we’re dealing with people as good-looking as I and thee, a goodly percentage of our co-workers are right at this moment dreaming about us in the role of workplace plaything.

(How many actually act on their fantasies is less clear from the survey, but there is one astounding statistic. Sixteen percent of men and 7 percent of women reported having sex in the office. What we are to make of these numbers is not 100 percent clear. I’m no math genius, but by my calculations, 9 percent of that 16 percent do not have partners. So they are either making love to themselves or are somehow involved in a serious relationship with the office fax machine. Or the men are lying. Nah, that would never happen.)

As a result of its survey activity, simplyfired.com came up with guidelines for regulating office romances. Give me your hand and we’ll review the top three together.

1. Know the rules

Bravo for your fantasy about the new office manager dispensing paper clips while covered head to toe in latex and leather, but before you act on this flight of fancy, the experts suggest that you check your employee handbook to see if your company sanctions inter-office dating. May I add that since you are considering a romance with the office manager, you also check the policy on inter-species dating. This is also important when considering canoodling with marketing, sales and human resources.

2. Know your co-worker

The experts suggest that you research your love interest before declaring your intentions. I’m down with the standard forms of investigation, like hiring a private detective to stalk your co-worker or installing video surveillance equipment in their bedroom. But I believe that a true romantic would and should follow their heart. That’s why I suggest you arrive at the doorway to your true love’s cube carrying a dozen red roses and wearing nothing but a thong. If there’s a negative reaction, you’ll know that he or she doesn’t like roses.

3. Date up, not down

Now here is advice that I can endorse. Why spend your romantic energy on a loser like yourself or, heaven forbid, someone even lower on the corporate totem pole. To date down is incredibly limiting—who can be in a worse job than you? On the other hand, if you date upward, you can immediately increase your visibility (note use of thong in rule No. 2 above.) Of course, some people feel that if a romance with a boss goes sour it can hurt their career, but that’s poppycock. A morganatic relationship between office royalty and the peasant class puts all the power in the hands of the peasant. Just whisper in your king or queen’s ear this classic love poem:

How do I love thee?
The question is moot.
My lawyers are filing
A sexual harassment lawsuit.

Going back to the survey, we learn that 7 percent of men and 11 percent of women have taken my advice and had a fling with a superior. I’m sure the real numbers are much higher, but who in their right minds would admit to dating a boss? Frankly, these boss-daters deserve the perks and promotions they invariably receive. It’s bad enough working for our bosses; I can’t imagine the agony of actually having to cuddle up to them.

In the end, I suggest that fantasizing about a co-worker is an excellent way to spend your time at work, but do think twice before acting on these fantasies. An office love affair may appear exciting, but if you ask me, it just seems like too much work.

If there’s one thing we don’t need right about now, it’s job advice from a fabulously rich, incredibly lucky celebrity doofus. I mean, I’m perfectly willing to take relationship advice from Jennifer Anniston and I owe my executive good looks to hair care tips from The Donald, but when it comes to guiding my career, I’d rather be guided by Barney than listen to the jibber-jabber of the endlessly perky and profoundly annoying Suze Orman.

I don’t know why it is that author Orman so annoys me, except for the fact that she seems to be shaking her finger at me from every television channel every hour of every day. Fortunately, I have no money, so the quality of her financial advice is not an issue. But when Suze starts putting her pinky in my racket by dispensing career tips, I object big time, especially when the advice is not only off base, but actually off-the-wall.

The career guidance to which I object can be found in a recent issue of “Money Matters,” a column Suze writes for Yahoo Finance. The title of her sermon is “Five Signs It’s Time to Find a New Job.” Right from the title, you know the advice is going to be bogus. Because there’s only one sign that you need a new job, and that’s a pink slip. Unless, like Suze-Q, you’re one of those foolish people who believe that just because your job is dull, meaningless and stupid, with no opportunity to show off your natural abilities and zero possibility for advancement, you should find something new to do.

Nonsense! A do-nothing, go-nowhere job is the dream of every sentient being. If someone is going to pay you money for doing nothing, and let you sit indoors under cozy fluorescents to do it, who in their right mind is going to argue?

Suze Orman for one. Let’s examine each of the Suzemeister’s five “signs” and determine if it’s time for her…or thee…to sign off.

1. Friday is your favorite day

According to Suze, you are supposed to love Mondays since it is the gateway day to a week of satisfying employment. Of course, there are excellent reasons to anticipate Mondays, like the opportunity to discuss Sunday’s episode of “Desperate Housewives,” but if you expect to arrive at the office on Monday looking forward to work, then you’re as whack as Bree Van De Camp. Personally, I look forward to Thursday, a little appreciated weekday and the best day to steal leftover food from the office fridge before the Friday clean out.

2. You’re bored

Of course you’re bored. You’re an intelligent, sensitive human person trapped in a soulless, unrewarding job. But it is a well-known scientific fact that being bored makes your life longer, or, at least, it sure seems longer.

3. Stress is your middle name

Suze says, “If you feel incredible pressure throughout your time at the office, take your work home with you, and then can’t sleep because you’re wound up so tightly, you need to rethink what you’re doing to yourself.” Or do what I do: sleep in the office in the afternoons and spend your nights doing something productive, like playing video games.

4. You’re underappreciated (and overworked)

Doesn’t Suze get it? As skilled denizens of the corporate world, we pride ourselves on being underappreciated. It’s a side effect of our greatest accomplishment—being unnoticed. To be an Invisible Man or Woman in the workplace is a great gift. The superpower of invisibility lets you move through your day, enjoying the frequent risible opportunities, while escaping any serious work assignments that might otherwise spoil your entertainment. (Sure, you feel overworked. Being invisible isn’t easy.)

5. You keep saying, “If I could do it all over, I would be a…”

I would be an overcompensated columnist with a fetching smile and a weird haircut. Ooops! I already am. But really, imagine how horrible it would be to start a new job. You’d have to find the bathrooms and learn the names of a bunch of new people who don’t like you. Not to mention all the time and trouble it would take to discover new escape routes from work so that you can sneak out to the Kit Kat Klub in time for the mid-afternoon, 6-for-1 cosmopolitan special.

Take it from me. If you see signs that it’s time for a new job, forget Suze. Take two aspirins, crawl under your desk, and take a nap. It’s easier.