Work Daze

Talk about happy! There I was, tuning across the radio dial while driving to work, when I happened to hear one of the highly intellectual, totally cerebral announcers on National Public Radio tell listeners that the program for that hour would focus on the mushrooming problem of people who “have trouble falling asleep at work.”

“At last!” I said to myself. “The movers and shakers in our country are addressing one of the issues that has vexed thee and me for decades – the difficulty of catching a cat nap when everyone around you is yammering on the telephone and pounding on the computer.”

What’s even less conducive to getting a quality snooze is, of course, our managers. These devilish dervishes are always wandering the hallways, hoping to catch an unsuspecting employee drowsing at his or her desktop – an activity that is somehow considered to be unproductive, despite the fact that behind all that snoring, you are actively scouring your subconscious for new ways to move the business ahead.

Alas, when the discussion commenced, I soon realized that the scientists and sociologists who had come down from their ivory towers to express their opinions were not viewing sleeping through the work day as an ideal solution to a boring, dead-end job, but some kind of “problem” that urgently required a “cure.”

Naturally, if your job involves slicing and dicing chickens, or whittling tree trunks down into toothpicks, falling asleep on the job may indeed represent a problem. But if the only risks you face are paper cuts, I see absolutely no harm in spending 9 to 5 in a state of suspended animation.

Yet according to the brainiacs on NPR, there are people who find falling asleep in the daytime a problem. Believe it or don’t, they’d rather stay awake and work! Personally, I would say people who would rather work than sleep have another problem. They’re fruity nutcakes.

And so we return to the real crisis in falling asleep in the workplace -- how can you get a decent day’s sleep on the job when the entire thrust of the work experience is to keep you awake and, well, working. I’ve been waiting for a grant from the National Institutes of Health to explore this question, but since the one area of the work force that has mastered the art of sleeping through a crisis is the government, I suppose I’ll have to move ahead on my own nickel.

If you have a problem falling asleep in the workplace, here are three simple, scientifically-proven techniques for dozing while everyone else is doing:

1. Wear your pajamas to work

At first glance, wearing your PJ’s to work may not represent the “dress for success” image you want to project. But don’t jump to conclusions. How better to set yourself apart from the crowd in their Land’s End khakis and Polo button-downs than to show up in your jammies, especially if you procure a pair of PJ’s featuring some relevant cultural hero, like Bob the Builder for those in the construction business or for HR professionals, Bugs Bunny.

Wearing pajamas to work will tell your managers that you are so busy thinking about your job that you can’t even remember to get dressed in the morning. Why, your bosses could be so impressed they’ll send you off for a nice long vacation in a happy place with mattresses on the walls. And if they don’t, imagine how easy it will be to sleep through the day in your cozy-woozy pajamas with the fuzzy-wuzzy feet.

2. Take sleeping pills

You’ve seen the commercials for the new breed of sleeping pills – the kind that make little blue butterflies float over your head. Instead of taking your meds at night, pop a pill when you get up in the morning. By the time the daily staff meeting convenes you won’t be able to jeep your eyes open. [Sleep tip: make sure you seat yourself next to the pastry tray. If you’re going to drop off onto the conference room table, it’s much more comfortable to fall face first onto a platter of jelly donuts.]

3. Request a meeting with your manager

If you still have trouble falling asleep at work, this is an incredibly effective technique. Ask your boss to explain her vision for the company, including tips on how you can become a more productive employee. Before the boss finishes clearing her throat, you’ll be sound asleep, and chances are, so will the boss.