Work Daze

If you’re one of those people who starts every new year by making a list of all the ways you will change for the better in the twelve months ahead, I have one word of advice for you: DON’T.

Don’t make a list. Don’t think things will get better. And most of all, don’t change.

Trust me, it’s not worth the effort. Nothing you can do will change your miserable situation, unless, of course, you quit, and then you’ll have to go through all the trouble of getting a new job, which will certainly be no better than the position you currently have. It could even be worse, at least for the first five years, when you’ll have to meet a bunch of new people to hate, locate a passel of new conference rooms with funny names, and spend precious goofing-off hours finding the bathrooms.

Moreover, all the effort you put into useless changes could better be spent on truly useful endeavors, like scouring your current office to find new places to nap.

But you’re unhappy, you say, in your present position. To which I say, so is everyone else. Even the lucky stiffs on Wall Street who are collecting multi-million dollar bonuses are miserable. Really! I’m not saying you need to send sympathy cards, but I have read that due to limited production quotas, many of the newly minted gazillionaires will not be able to procure the new $250,000 Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano. Imagine how miserable these disappointed Wall Street warriors will be when forced to spend 2007 driving from their Manhattan penthouses to their East Hampton beach houses in last year’s Lamborghini Murcielagos. And you think you have it tough!

Another reason not to start 2007 with visions of bettering yourself is that most of these corporate self-improvement projects cause more harm than good. Let’s look at few of the classic New Year’s resolutions and see the consequences of trying to make 2007 a better year by becoming a better you.

Resolution #1: I’m going to lose weight.

I know that your physician may tell you that you will live longer if you lose weight, but I’ll bet your physician never told you that being fat will help your career. It’s true – fat people earn more than 200% more than skinny, healthy people, and that’s a proven fact according to a study sponsored by the NJDA (National Jelly Donut Association.)

If you start a diet and eat only healthy foods, you will not be spending very much time in the coffee room, gobbling up the cookies, cakes, pastries and left-over potato salad left out from last week’s staff meeting. This means you will be spending significantly less time schmoozing with your co-workers, developing the kind of interpersonal connections that could elevate you to a top position when one of your coffee-mates drops dead of a heart attack.

Resolution #2: I’m going to work out regularly.

Another really bad idea. Sure, you can go to the gym before and after work, but let’s face facts -- no improvement in your physical condition can neutralize the complete mental meltdown you will suffer when seeing your bloated body stuffed into Lycra and Spandex? Besides, if you spend all your spare time in the gym, you’ll lose out on networking opportunities that come from leaning against the bar at the Kit Kat Klub, or the bonding you’ll develop with the co-workers assigned to drag you home every night.

Worse of all is the possibility that you will actually get buff and become attractive to those randy, highly-hormonal young employees who are seeking a mentor among the senior staff. With three or four of these love bunnies throwing themselves at you from nine to five, you are certain to lose focus on your work product, and on your spouse, who will divorce you, demanding custody of your large-screen TV, and leaving you the children.

Resolution #3: I’m going to get organized.

If you want a recipe for unemployment, clear off your desk. It’s OK to do nothing at the office, as long as it looks like you’re busy. Without the clutter, everyone will think you’re the lazy slug you really are. I say: go out a buy a couple of pounds of debris from the nearest city dump. You may have to pay extra for the extra smelly stuff, but it’s money well spent – the stench could keep the boss away until January 2008.