Work Daze

Since I haven’t quite mastered that revolutionary new business tool – I believe they call it a “calendar” – I don’t know whether you will be reading this before or after the Thanksgiving holiday. If you find that your normally svelte body is so bloated that you can no longer squeeze yourself into your cubical that’s a good clue that the big celebration is already behind you – in more ways than one.

Of course, the big problem with Thanksgiving is not the need to try every one of the brown, spongy pies that appear in the coffee room. The big problem is not finding too much to eat, but finding too little for which to give thanks. There’s a day off to be sure, but being in your office is probably better than listening to Uncle Frank retell the story of how he used to put in 16-hour days for which he was paid 65-cents a week, and let him tell you, he was glad to get it.

While most service and manufacturing companies do not allow more than a long week-end, many white collar firms close down for the entire week of Thanksgiving, the better to give their employees time to think up something to be thankful for. [Bank employees get the best deal of all. They get to come back to work on the Friday after Thanksgiving, making it impossible for anyone to expect them to be anything but grumpy the entire holiday season.]

In light of a thankfulness gap that is especially wide in this year of soaring outsourcing and shrinking pay raises, the team at Work Daze has put their heads together to put together a list of workplace blessings you may have failed to notice as you slog your way from January to December. Feel free to take advantage of these thankfulness reminders when anyone asks you what you feel thankful about this year; just don’t thank us for them. We can’t take the pressure.

Be thankful for your cell phone.

This digital marvel has truly changed the workplace. In Uncle Frank’s day, it was possible to leave your work at work. Now, with a cell phone, your work can follow you anywhere. Even better, your boss can reach you anytime. So you don’t have to waste time watching “The O.C.” or sleeping when you could be receiving those helpful blasts of hot air concerning the myriad of ways you could improve your performance in the workplace.

An additional benefit of the cell phone is that it provides a new opportunity for you to compete with your workmates over who has the latest and greatest technology. And by only allowing employees of a certain level the right to get high-end company-issued devices, like Blackberries, it insures that you always know your place in the company, and never make the critical error of thinking that you’re appreciated or important.

Be thankful for your computer.

Younger readers may not believe this, but there was a time in business when people didn’t use or even have computers. It’s true! Letters were written on something called a “typewriter,” and communication was done using a device called a “telephone,” or, in more advanced industries, a technique called “shouting.”

As result, people were busy were pretty much busy all the time, as the hunters and gathers of these primitive businesses hunted for “typewriter ribbons” and gathered “carbon paper.” [Don’t even ask for a definition of “carbon paper.” You’d never believe it.]

Though it may stretch credulity, in these Neolithic days, workers had assigned to them people called “secretaries,” often lovely, young woman who took “dictation,” typed letters, – get this! – cheerfully brought their bosses cups of coffee in the morning.

Fortunately, we now have computers, so we can do all our own work ourselves, and get our coffee ourselves, as well. And since computers also let us send e-mail instead of relying on a telephone, we can go weeks without actually talking to another human being, except the IT staff, and let’s face it, they hardly qualify.

Be thankful for your boss.

Yes, your boss is stupid, egomaniacal, and totally unworthy of his or her overblown salary. But you should still be thankful! Why, if it wasn’t for your boss, you’d have no one to complain about, and you’d be content and happy all the time. And you know what would happen then – everyone would think the boss is y-o-u!