Work Daze

Welcome to late November and the most terrible time of the year – the holiday season.

Please don’t make me out to be a Scrooge, (unless I can be Scrooge McDuck, of course, and swim backstroke through my money bin.) But getting through your workweek in forty hours is difficult enough without being forced to take time off. And the worst part is, you’re expected to be delighted and thankful for management letting you hang out at home!

Ridiculous! First of all, just because you have a Thanksgiving or Christmas vacation doesn’t mean that your work disappears. On the contrary, left alone to fester, your work grows like a giant fungus, getting larger and scarier with every passing vacation day as it lies waiting to attack the moment you come back.

And it’s not like being at home instead at your desk means you have no work to do. As the greatest living expert in looking like you are actually working, you can get away with doing almost nothing and still manage to complain bitterly about how overworked you are.

This charade is easily accepted by your boss, because your boss is an idiot. But your spouse or life partner is no idiot. They’ll know instantly that your decision to put off polishing the turkey platter and waxing the children and trimming the dog because you have an urgent need to lie on the couch with the soothing sound of televised sports in your ears does not represent an “imaging session to determine new corporate strategies.” Nope! At home, these kinds of shenanigans will be recognized by people who know exactly what you are –a 100% aged, U.S. Prime slab of sloth.

So what should savvy worker bees do to protect themselves during the perilous holiday season? Here are three tips I can share before I head off to the couch:

1. Offer to work on the holidays.

There’s no better place to spend the holidays than in your cubical. Think about it! You get endless credit for volunteering to give up your holiday to man the phones and monitor the servers. In one swell foop, you prove yourself to be the kind of loyal and totally insane employee who invariable gets promoted. And best of all, you are not only freed from the endless chores awaiting you at home, you won’t have to do any work at work! After all, who’s there to supervise you? The boss’s parakeet? [Probably not even Chirpy will be in the building. After the kind of year your company has had, your boss’s feathered friend is probably lying belly up on that highly polished turkey tray.]

2. Have a nervous breakdown.

Hey, you’ve been promising yourself a breakdown all year long, and the holiday season are the perfect time to make your dream of going goo-goo gaga come true. How you choose to demonstrate your mental meltdown is up to you. Some recommend jumping on your desk and shouting, “The Venusians are coming! The Venusians are coming! And all the conference rooms are booked!” Others prefer a more subtle approach, like quietly sitting through the next staff meeting, calmly munching on paper clips.

Whatever method you adopt, the holiday season means that your supervisor is not likely to crack down on your crack up. With their teeny little brains full of dreams of bonuses, even the meanest manager is likely to give you a pass. In other words, even if they don’t let you spend the holidays in a white room, they won’t charge you for the paper clips.

3. Give lavish gifts.

Eleven months a year, presenting your boss with an excessively expensive gift is considered bribery. During the holiday season, it’s a sign of affection and respect. What to give? Well, nothing says, “I’m glad you’re my manager” than a wad of fresh fifty dollar, tax-free bills. But don’t limit your gift list to top execs. Remember the little people who can do you big favors during the year. For example, a case of vintage Mountain Dew distributed among the IT staff could mean they come to service your computer a little more frequently than the company-approved policy of one update per millennium. And while you’re in a giving mood, how about your favorite workplace humor columnist who is so helpful in giving you suggestions about how to work less and earn more?

I’ll be putting in a lot of couch time this holiday and a cashmere blankie would sure come in handy.