Work Daze

Since you’re a major fan of the hit TV series, “Lost,” you know that one of the lead characters, the semi-slimy con man hunk named Sawyer, has been captured by the bad guys, AKA “The Others.” Totally mean and rotten to the core, The Others tossed Sawyer into a giant cage where he was made to press a button if he wanted to eat, or drink, or show his abs.

Sound familiar?

Listen: if you’ve ever thought that your managers viewed you as some kind of lab animal, one more rat running in circles around a cubical maze, in search of the button that would deliver raises, titles and food pellets, I’ve got news for you.

You’re 100% right. And, in your employer’s eyes, 100% rodent.

I realized this scary truth the other day when an email popped into my mailbox describing a company called Snowfly. Located in bucolic Laramie, Wyoming, and named after a particularly lethal trout fly, Snowfly’s claim to fame is that it creates what it calls “Games That Drive Workplace Performance.”

The idea behind the company seems to be that since workers will waste time playing computer games anyway, managers should provide online diversions that will motivate and incent employees for working harder. The scientific theory behind these games is called “random positive reinforcement.” This theory holds that if players receive rewards on a random basis, they will continue to play longer than if they receive predictable rewards. This explains why it takes an army of security guards to pull granny off a slot machine. And why your regular, bi-weekly paycheck is about as motivating as a slap in the face with a frozen flounder.

Of course, this psychological mumbo-jumbo is hidden from the unsuspecting employees who only see colorful screens full of fun-filled games as “Snowfly Carnival” and “Fishing for Points.” Too stunned and stupefied to know they are being manipulated, the cube rat Manchurian candidates only know that if they successfully twist the arm of an unsuspecting consumer into accepting another credit card, or badger a welfare Mom into buying a vacation villa in Pongo-Pongo, they win an eToken for game play.

The prizes depend on the generosity of the employee, and can range from a gift card to a day off work. [Naturally, no one wants to win the day off – who could stand to be separated from Snowfly Carnival for even the time it takes for a bathroom break?]

But perhaps I am being harsh on the Snowfly folks. Giving your employees games to play is certainly better than giving your employees 40 lashes. To make up for my somewhat cynical view, allow me to help the company by offering suggestions on how to create games a tad more relevant and a lot more motivating.

1. Whack-A-HR Professional

A twist on the popular Whack-A-Mole game, this emotionally rewarding endeavor not only provides hours of fun, but allows the employee to discharge hostility that might otherwise be expressed by inappropriate workplace behavior, like throwing stale Christmas cookies at the HR staff or holding your breath until you turn red. In this game, every time an HR professional pops out of their hole to deliver a pink slip or worse, announce a training session, the player gets to beat the mole-man or woman with a shovel, causing extensive bleeding and cranial damage. The HR professional is immediately taken to cartoon emergency room where they are denied coverage by the company’s health care provider.

This game not only awards prize points for every hematoma, with double points for a skull fracture, but provides the employee with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction that could reduce the frequency of real-life HR maulings in the future.

2. Pac-Manager

You control the vertical. You control the horizontal. With your hands on the joy-stick, you send your bubble-headed boss whizzing up and down the org chart, avoiding career- gobbling monsters and energy-sapping power plays as your Pac-Manager brown-noses and butt-kisses his way up the corporate ladder. It’s fun for everyone, especially when your boss reaches the top and is sent to prison for sexual harassment of Ms. Pac-Manager.

3. Final Fantasy XXXXXI

The ultimate fantasy game – you do your job and no one messes with your mind using sinister psychology theories. Instead, your hard work is rewarded by your fair share of the corporate profits you generate and you are treated with respect and consideration by your managers.

Hey, I said it was a fantasy.