Work Daze

[COLUMNS FOR OCTOBER 23 TO NOVEMBER 16 ARE ALL NEW, AND WILL NOT BE UPDATED UNTIL AFTER THE 16TH. SO PACE YOURSELF...]




Want to fatten up the good old paycheck? Here’s how to do it – show management that you’ve got plenty of the good old company spirit. In short, if you want the moolah, be boola-boola. Praise company management, extol the company vision, wear the company polo shirt, and sooner or later, but probably later, you will be rewarded.

But what if you can’t conjure up your minimum daily requirement of school spirit? What if you hate your job, hate your boss, and hate your parking space? How can someone like you – that is, someone with brains – weasel a few extra bucks out of the boss?

It is exactly this question that The Wall Street Journal tries to answer in a “special journal report” on the “Ten Ways To Get The Most Pay Out Of Your Job.”

I’m sure you agree that a better title would be “Ten Ways To Get The Most Pay Out Of Your Job Without Doing Any Extra Work Or Basically Giving A Hoot.” Still, I have to admit that the writer, Peri Capell, did come up with some ideas that are worthy of consideration, especially when you consider that in 2006, employee who were considered “best performers” received raises averaging 9.9% while “average performers” only garnered 3.6% raises, and “poor performers took home a piddling 1.3%.

Here are my top five of the Journal’s top ten:

#1. Listen to your boss.

Now here’s a radical concept. Ask your boss what she wants you to do and then do it. It might even work – if your boss had any clue about what she wants. A better plan would be to just do it, and then tell your boss it’s what she should want. Or don’t tell the boss anything, but do what you know she wants you to do – kiss up 24/7. Now that’s the way to listen.

#4. Learn about special commissions or awards.

According to the article, in many companies “special bonuses may also be awarded to employees who accomplish something that’s unusual for their positions.” These so-called “spot awards” can be quite lucrative, or quite demoralizing, as anyone will tell you who has brought in a big new account and received in return, a frozen Butterball turkey. The key to being able to dip into this special slush fund is to do something that’s not expected. In your case, that would be actually doing some work.

#7. Pay for as much as you can with tax-free income.

Many companies offer “flexible-spending accounts” that allow you to put aside a hunk of moolah on before-tax basis. Unfortunately, the IRS forces you to waste your tax-free bucks on nonsense like childcare and medical expenses. You can’t use this money for purchases that are important, like video games, or treating the crowd at the Kit Kat Lounge to a round of Flaming Zombies. Another problem with these flexible-spending accounts is a “use it or lose it” policy. But that shouldn’t represent a downside for you. If you run out of medical expenses, you can always sign up for that operation you’ve been wanting – a lobotomy.

#9. Turn down benefits that cost the company.

If you refuse to profit from expensive benefit programs, your company may give you the money saved in extra salary. As the article points out, turning down medical benefits is easy for someone who gets benefits from a spouse or partner, but I wouldn’t limit myself to taking the easy way out and getting hitched. What are the chances you are going to have a serious illness that requires surgery? In the unlikely event an organ fails due to an extended staff meeting, I’m sure you can find someone in the IT department who will perform the operation for a case of Dr. Pepper and a jumbo bag of beef jerky.

#10. Don’t forget the small stuff.

By small stuff, the Journal means discounts to local attractions, like the wax museum. But you work in a wax museum, so forget about it. What I mean by small stuff are the office supplies you can swipe and re-sell on eBay. And what about your trendy Aeron Chair – it’s got to be worth at least $20 bucks on the black market.

Management may get snarky when they catch you selling the carpet squares out of the reception area, but when they understand the cost of a round of Flaming Zombies, I see you joining the 9.9% raise group, no problem.