Work Daze

[COLUMNS FOR OCTOBER 23 TO NOVEMBER 16 ARE ALL NEW, AND WILL NOT BE UPDATED UNTIL AFTER THE 16TH. SO PACE YOURSELF...]


Today’s sermon focuses on one of the most important relationships in your business life – your relationship with your local hospital. Speaking personally, I must confess to having a rather stand-off attitude towards my hospital. I think of them as little as possible, and as for dropping in for a cup of coffee and a transfusion, it rarely happens.

But apparently, my hospital feels differently. Apparently, my hospital is so anxious to spend quality time with me that it can’t wait for me to develop corporate tunnel syndrome after opening too many brewskis, or fall off my Barcolounger during the action-packed conclusion of the O.C.

A desire to take our relationship to the next level is the only explanation I can provide for the glossy publication that my hospital has started sending me. It’s called “Prevention Tips from yourhealth magazine,” and I suppose I should be happy for the attention. You certainly don’t get it when you go to the emergency room, even if you have a life-threatening situation, like getting your hand stuck in a ceramic Big Bird cookie jar. [It could happen! And if you writing this column with a cookie jar on your hand is easy, think again!]

The cover story in their latest medical missive concerns stress and how to “bust it,” which did appeal to me because so much of our work lives revolve around stress: giving it if you’re a manager, taking it if you’re an employee, and ducking it if you’re a goof-off like me.

But no matter how good we are at dodging and weaving, stress does occasionally creep into our work days. I’ve known this since the day my manager, thinking I was dead instead of merely visioning, insisted I take an EKG.

Stress, of course, is associated with heart disease, and according to Mark Wexman, MD, a cardiologist and the author of the stress buster cover story, “the secret to coping with stress is not to let it build to the point that it harms our health.” Dr. Wexman goes on to present a potpourri of suggestions for eliminating unnecessary stress in our jobs. Unfortunately, tips such as “examine your life, simplify and cut out the things you don’t need,” would also eliminate our jobs. To which I say, “Good-bye, job. Hello, Barcolounger.”

Wexman also recommends a full regime of exercise, which is really a good idea, but who has time? We have responsibilities to Playboy magazine, the Playboy Channel, and playboy.com. And then we have to leave the office and rush back to “Dancing With the Stars.” I tell you, there’s not a spare minute.

If work-outs are not going to work out for us, Wexman does have some other ideas, some of which are worthy of consideration.

• Overcome the illusion that you are Superman or Superwoman.

If you work for a boss, or have a spouse, it is probable that you have already lost any illusion of super powers. Wexman suggests you “concentrate not on doing it all but on doing what really needs to be done.” You could ask your manager if an assignment “really needs to be done” every time a new project is dumped on your desk, or you could do what I recommend – buy yourself a Superman outfit and a cape. If there’s anything that will convince your boss to stop treating you like a Superman, it’s the sight of you in tights.

• Share feelings with a friend.

Don’t try to cope alone, the doctor says. I say: don’t try to cope at all. A good nervous breakdown always clears the air, and when the men in white coats come to extract you from the back of the snack machine where you lie weeping in fetal position, you’ll soon find yourself in a calm and stress-free place. You’ll still be surrounded by crazy people, but at least at the asylum, they give you Jell-O.

• Take one thing at a time.

Don’t try to do everything at once. It only causes stress. Instead, take a single project and mess it up before going on to make a mess of the next project. Now doesn’t that feel more relaxing?

• Take a break from work.

Here’s an idea I endorse. How about checking out from work and checking into the hospital. Request immediate surgery to have that glossy magazine removed from your fist. I’m sure Dr. Wexman will be happy to perform the procedure, assuming, of course, you have no stress and plenty of insurance.