Work Daze

[COLUMNS FOR OCTOBER 23 TO NOVEMBER 16 ARE ALL NEW, AND WILL NOT BE UPDATED UNTIL AFTER THE 16TH. SO PACE YOURSELF...]




Attention, reader! Put down the bottle of Grecian Formula and walk away from the mirror. Yes, you are getting gray hairs. Yes, you are past 50 and therefore old and feeble and economically worthless. But cheer up, grandpa and grandma, you can still find a job. In youth-oriented Silicon Valley and all across the country, old is in!

I can report on this unlikely turn of events, not because I am over 50 myself, not in “resume years,” anyway, but because of a recent article in The Wall Street Journal. According to their reporter, Phred Dvorak, hot-shot Silicon Valley companies are turning to gray hairs to fill critical job opportunities. [The job opportunities for someone who spells his name weird will be the subject of a future article, I assume. In the meantime, Phred will be phocused on pheeding his phace.]

While many recruiters do report that anyone over 30 is not to be trusted, or hired, and that applicants over 40 are considered workplace dinosaurs, the uptick in hiring seniors may soon be a demographic necessity all across America. At long last, the Baby Boomer generation will start turning 60 this year, and those Boomers who have not frittered all their money away on BMWs may actually be able to retire.

Replacing the 60-year old Boomers with 50 year-old Boomers will be the only way American companies can fill the few jobs they haven’t sent to Bangladesh.

But hiring seniors is not simply a matter of demographic necessity. According to Phred’s reporting, companies are starting to see value in older workers because of their “expertise and wisdom.” In other words, all those hair-raising business experiences that turned your hair gray in the first place could now come back to help you.

“It seems like the right people are a little older,” says executive Randall Kruep, the Chief Executive of a wireless-networking start-up. “They don’t get rattled.”

This would be music to the ears of gray-haired job candidates, assuming you haven’t lost all of your hearing at this point. [Hey, your parents told you not to listen to that rock & roll music so darn loud!] In fact, one of the reasons that we gray hairs do not get rattled is that we’re too deaf and blind to know what’s going on. It’s true! It’s almost impossible to see the bad news in an Excel spreadsheet when you’ve left your readers at home.

Whatever the reasons for the gray hairs to become the belles of the hiring hall, it’s important for us to act on the news. Trends like this come and go, and who knows – the next hot demographic for hiring managers may be teen-agers, or robots, or poodles. [And wouldn’t that be great? With the common sense of a teen-ager, a robot’s ability to follow orders, and a gift for wagging our tail every time the boss comes along, this hiring trend would make thee and me truly hot prospects.]

Basically, it breaks down two ways:

1. If you’re under 50.

If you have the misfortune to be a young person, take steps to drape yourself in all the accoutrements of a cootdom. If you are applying for job at a groovy new company that has embraced “business casual” as a dress code, show up at the interview dressed formally. For men, this means a 3-piece suit and a pair of Reebok’s ersatz business shoes – the kind that look like baked beans with laces. For women, suits also work, but your shoe of choice should a pair of orthopedic walkers – available for sale in the Jimmy Choo section of your neighborhood pharmacy.

You’ll want to touch up your hair with gray highlights, of course, and have the Botox sucked out of your face so that each of your wrinkles are the size of the Grand Canyon. And don’t forget to spend your time waiting for job interviews shuffling aimlessly around the reception area, mumbling to yourself about “those darn kids who think they know everything.”

2. If you’re over 50.

You’ve got it made in the shade, grandpa and grandma. Arthritis, osteoporosis, incontinence – if you’ve got it, flaunt it! Just throw away your iPod, replace your jogging baby stroller with a four-wheel walker, and crank up your crankiness level to “stun.” The older, crabbier, and more decrepit you look, the faster you’ll be getting an offer letter.

Just be sure to have your readers on hand when that letter arrives, so you can see all the money they’ll be paying you.