Work Daze

[COLUMNS FOR OCTOBER 23 TO NOVEMBER 16 ARE ALL NEW, AND WILL NOT BE UPDATED UNTIL AFTER THE 16TH. SO PACE YOURSELF...]



So when exactly was it that you decided you needed a new career? Was it when you came to work and found your desk in the parking lot? Or was it a more subtle hint: like the moment when you ran into the big boss in the hallway and you said, “Nice to see you!” and she said, “Are you still here?”

Whatever the reason, chances are you’ve probably considered and rejected the usual list of possible new careers: doctor, lawyer, Indian chief. [Yes, I wanted to be an Indian chief, too, but there are very few openings, and you have to supply your own tomahawk and slot machines.] But do not despair. Thanks to a generous fellow named Stan Ross, a wonderful, exciting, glamorous career is only an Amazon click away. For Mr. Ross has written a must-read book for career changers, Inside Track to Careers in Real Estate.

Whatever track is available to people who want to change careers from real estate, I have no idea, but for every boy or girl who has fantasized about being in real estate, Mr. Ross’s book could be the answer to your dream.

No question, the author has a high regard for the profession: “Real estate professionals with a variety of talents, skills, experiences, and education backgrounds will be in demand,” Ross writes, “both in the traditional business of development, ownership, property management and real estate services, as well as in many other areas such as rebuilding neighborhoods or cities following natural or manmade disasters; sustainable development that improves our quality of life and preserves natural resources; or investment and development in emerging markets such as China and India.”

And here we thought that being in real estate meant hammering signs on the front lawn of overpriced dumps, and waiting for the suckers to drive by, checkbook in hand.

Another surprise is that not every one with big hair is cut out for the job. To see if you fit the bill, Ross recommends spending time researching the field, a rather onerous task, if you ask me, since it includes actually talking to people in real estate and attending their functions. Personally, I’m OK with going to the Realtors Ball, a glittering event held every year in Radiation Heights, a model community built over a toxic dump site, but when it comes to a mano-a-mano chin wag with a real estate professional, I’m not interested. Unless the real estate professional is The Donald, or his barber, I’d prefer to meet with my proctologist.

If you do decide that real estate is the career for you, the author suggests taking an introductory course at a local university in college. I recommend Flowery Descriptions 101, a challenging class where you’ll learn to dip your quill in purple ink and write copy like “a fabulous fantasy of elegant living is yours in this magical one-bedroom, no-bathroom abode located in precious proximity to the fun and excitement of a historic sewage plant.”

When looking for your first real job in real estate, Ross recommends you put aside your dreams of big money and choose a firm that has tons of prestige. In other words, reject Jim-Bob’s House of Repos and Foreclosures, but sign on immediately at Snob & Slob, Quality Homes for the Rich and Messy.

Once hired, your next step is to inform everyone you know. This is important because close friends and family are the people you are going to pester to distraction to get them to sell and buy a house from you. Start with your 90-year old grandmother who has been living in her comfortable, paid-off home for the last 60 years. She’ll really appreciate it if you can push her out into the street, and then saddle her with a mega-mortgage for a 6-bedroom McMansion that will take every penny of her pension.

Most important of all, the book recommends that aspiring real estate professionals have a good sense of timing. “Real estate is cyclical,” author Ross writes, and after watching the price of my home sink like a stone, I know this is true. But how can you sense where we are in the market cycle? One sure clue is to notice when people start writing books about how to get into the real estate business.

Once that happens, you can be sure a crash is coming. But don’t be afraid of falling prices and collapsing markets. As another career changer, P.T. Barnum, could have said, “There’s a sucker born every minute, and they all need places to live.”