Work Daze

Note to self – when compiling our list of the “Biggest Business Cry Babies
of 2006,” be sure to include the 400 employees of Radio Shack who were fired
last month.

I call these dearly departed worker bees “cry-babies” not because they lost
their jobs in a tough economy, and certainly not because they didn’t deserve
to be fired. I’m sure the fired four hundred Radio Shack folks will quickly
get jobs at Pizza Shack, and they definitely were not responsible for the
bonehead decisions that sent Radio Shack profits into a tailspin. Only a top
manager would bet the business on a Talking Fish Two-Way Wrist Watch or
whatever other nonsense the gadgetmeisters tried to stuff down our throats –
and our stockings – last Christmas. [Too bad, because my watch keeps perfect
time. It’s always a quarter to tuna.]

No, the cry of pain from the fired four hundred was because they received
their pink slips via emails.

To many, an email termination demonstrates a cold and uncaring management.
To get a pink slip out of the blue strikes these softies as the ultimate
insult, especially when it comes in an electronic format.

I disagree. We live in a digital age, folks. We meet our mates online and
buy our undies online and we definitely apply for jobs online. Why shouldn’t
we lose our jobs online, as well? Moreover, an electronic firing saves
paper, so it’s more environmentally sound. I can hear the spin now -- Radio
Shack may not be able to save jobs, but we’re doing all we can preserve the
rain forest.

But the biggest advantage of being fired remotely is that you avoid the
awful and demeaning and embarrassing and uncomfortable meeting that
invariably follows those fatal eleven words, “Frobisher, may I see you in my
office for a moment.”

As a person who has both fired and been fired, I have to tell you that
performing this task by long-distance is a definite improvement for both
sides of the desk. For the firing manager, it completely removes the
possibility of an enraged, soon-to-be unemployed employee spoiling your day
by throwing the keys to your Jaguar at your head or worse, spoiling the
shine on your Ferragamos with his tears.

For the firee, an email notice means you truly don’t have to spend one extra
minute in the presence of your awful boss, but can quickly and quietly pack
your pillow and blankie and slip unnoticed into the ether, pausing only to
stop at the cubicles of the co-workers you who owe you money before heading
for the bar, the unemployment office, and the chambers of your barrister
where you immediately file a million-dollar suit for “Unlawful and
Impersonal Termination.”

Despite all the advantages of email firings, I doubt we can expect the
practice to spread through corporate America. Gifted managers enjoy the
firing process too much to give it up. They may take the personal touch out
of day-to-day relationships, but the opportunity to see their direct reports
squirm and whimper is just too wonderful to give up.

Employees also have tools to avoid digital terminations. With everyone so
security conscious these days, how long will it take for Norton Utilities to
add a new utility, the “boss blocker.” With this excellent tool, you could
have been fired months ago and still not know it! “But I never got the
email,” you explain when showing up for your back pay checks. And who in
payroll could deny you? They probably never got the email, either.

Of course, there is always the possibility that some entrepreneur will
create a new e-business marketing customized e-firing emails. You can
already send birthday e-cards and anniversary e-cards; why not termination
e-cards?

Imagine the joy you will experience when an animated message pops up in your
email, with – let us say – a cartoon executioner dragging an electronic
employee to the guillotine in a cartoon tumbrel. There will be a funeral
march in the background (also available as ring-tones), and a bright piece
of doggerel to make the message clear:

Someone in the company is getting the ax.
This email will inform you of the facts.
Your job has been eliminated and so have you.
You get 2 weeks severance, unless you choose to sue.
But remember we love you, so do not grieve.
You have exactly 5 minutes to pack your junk and leave.

Take it from me, when it comes to being fired, that’s the way to go!