Work Daze

It takes a big man to admit he is wrong, but as everyone who has ever been
in a relationship knows, when it comes to a woman telling a man he is
wrong—well, that’s a different story.

Take Linda Kaplan Thaler and Robin Koval of the hot advertising agency, the
Kaplan Thaler Group. These two high-achieving yentas have written a new book
that debunks the age-old idea that to succeed in business, one has to be a
mean, ruthless, grasping, brutal, cold blooded, heartless swine. This may be
true, but if you’re like me, you may not be completely ready to embrace the
idea. After all, look how many years we’ve worked to become mean, ruthless,
grasping, brutal, cold blooded, heartless swine.

The title of this revolutionary screed is “The Power of Nice: How to Conquer
the Business World with Kindness,” and if the concept of “Nice Power” has
you chortling up the sleeves of your Gap pocket-T, it is obvious that you
are either very experienced in business, or you are not very nice. Or both!

The Kaplan-Thaler-Koval hypothesis is that one does not have to possess a
dog-eat-dog mentality to end up top-dog. In “flipping the age-old mantra of
‘nice guys finish last’ on its head the two women believe they are ‘poised
to spark a dramatic change in corporate values and the way success is
achieved in the business world.’”

I suppose this could happen, but I’m not sure it leaves me and thee in a
stronger position, workwise. Can’t you just see your supervisor pounding on
your desk and hollering, “Jumping Jelly Beans! I’m going to have to let you
go if you don’t become a whole lot nicer.”

Before you run out and buy up the contents of your nearest Hallmark store,
let’s review three of the “strategic niceness skills” our nice authors are
offering so nicely. You go first! Please! Really, I insist!

1. “Treat everyone you meet as if they are the most important person in the
world – because today’s intern could be tomorrow’s CEO.”

Nice idea, but dumb. Suppose a nicer you gives the low-salary intern the
opportunity to take over aspects of your high-salary job. Suppose you are so
darn nice that you lavish the intern with praise in front of your boss. I
can’t guarantee that today’s intern will become tomorrow’s CEO, but I’m
pretty sure that today’s nice employee will definitely become tomorrow’s
unemployed doofus.

2. “See yourself as others do – as a supporting actor in their movie, not a
leading actor in your own. Ask yourself what kind of character you’d play in
their movie, and write down five ways to make your ‘character’ more
sympathetic.”

#1, my character can become the kind of blind, deaf, autistic coma victim
that always wins Academy Awards. No, forget it! At work, no one would
notice. #2, my character could rob the petty cash drawer, and use the money
to cure the boss’s cockatoo of shingles. #3, my character could put Super
Glue on the boss’s Aeron chair and then set his office on fire. #4, my
character could join the French Foreign Legion and plan suicide assaults on
the coffee room, #5, my character could pull off his face to reveal a
blood-sucking alien vampire.

Gee, I’m feeling more sympathetic already.

3. “There’s no need to squabble over who gets the biggest piece of pie –
just bake a bigger pie.”

This example of strategic niceness confused me and I wondered how it would
apply if you didn’t work in a bakery, or didn’t like pie, which I do,
especially blueberry.

But then I realized the whole pie thing could be what professional business
book authors call an “analogy,” referring to the author’s injunction against
utilizing “negative energy rushing to grab that slice first.” In other
words, instead of battling over who will take credit for a thin-slice idea
like implanting electrodes in the forehead of every IT worker so they could
receive electric 20,000 volts when you need them, a nice person will
“broaden their horizons and create a new recipe for success.”

Here’s my recipe: Take one teaspoon of sugar, and one teaspoon of spice, mix
with a cup of sunshine and sprinkle with smiles and giggles. Pour lavishly
over honey ice cream and serve to your co-workers. While they are eating,
run to the boss and report them all for terminal niceness. Then take over
their jobs and their paychecks.

You may not be nice, but you will be rich, and let me tell you – being rich
can be pretty nice, too.