Work Daze

Well, it’s about time! We’ve been waiting for someone to celebrate the aggressive, can-do attitude we bring to our jobs, and at last, it has happened. A new book by Kate Luderman, the “Alpha Male Syndrome,” has just been published, so finally, the flotsam and jetsam with whom we swim in the polluted tide pool of business will be able to understand what makes thee and me so darn successful.

As Ms. Luderman would be the first to point out, the alpha male syndrome is not limited to males. There can be alpha male females, as well as alpha male males; the syndrome being a group of behaviors that can fall on the shoulder pads of either sex.

I assume that anyone who reads this column is alpha to their bones, but just in case you don’t spend every day on the fast track to corporate power, the author has provided some symptoms that will help in the recognizing the syndrome. Alpha individuals insist that they are always right, especially when they’re dead wrong. Alphas demand total loyalty, while busily stabbing everyone in the back. And of course, alphas claim a divine right to be in charge, even after a history of missteps, boo-boos, and outright blunders.

No wonder we alphas are so successful. No wonder everyone in the company admires us so.

An academic, Luderman divides the alpha male person into four different categories, each one more attractive than the next. There’s the alpha visionary who insists that everyone agrees with their vision, no matter how fuzzy. Alpha commanders don’t much care whose whacked-out vision they follow as long as everyone in the organization follows them into the flames. Alpha intellectuals devise complicated game plans that smack of mad genius, like firing everyone in the company over 5’ 10” so the ceilings can be lowered for better heating efficiency, but require alpha executors to wield the ax and bring their evil schemes to fruition.

Since alphas like you and I do not need – or take – advice, I will devote the remainder of this column to the one or three betas who might be reading over your shoulder. You would expect that these workplace goons would appreciate the opportunity to observe the wonderfulness of an alpha personality, but shockingly, that is often not the case. Therefore, they might want to study the tips Ms. Luderman offers for those who “wish to stay sane if stuck in alpha territory.”

• Decide which type of alpha you are dealing with.

It’s not enough to simply kiss the tuchus of your friendly neighborhood alpha. You have to know exactly where on the tuchus the oscillation should be placed. For example, if you are trying to convince a alpha strategist that there is no reason to open a sales office in Antarctica for your company’s new line of frozen penguin cutlets, you might opine that due the brilliance of their strategy, the fame of your product has already spread to the four corners of the earth and the product will sell on its own. In making the same argument to an alpha executor, you must detail the costs of shipping penguin cutlets from the New Jersey penguin processing plant. For the alpha commander, no rational argument will do, but you can always have the alpha commander lock the other three alphas in the freezer until they sees the light.

• Never ask alphas to defend their positions.

Instead, Luderman suggests you “show curiosity. Ask how the alpha arrived at a certain idiotic solution. Try something like this, “Boss, I am truly impressed. I didn’t think it was possible for any person to be quite so stupid. How do you do it?”

• Never complain to alphas.

Alphas see complaining as weakness. Luderman suggests you ask for help instead.
Try “Boss, you know I am a miserable, worthless employee who only has a job because of your extreme generosity and brilliance, but I am so stupid and incompetent that I could not manage the weather, and therefore you had to suffer fifteen minutes of rain at the executive golf retreat in Pago-Pago. Please teach me how I can be like you and control the elements.”

As the book points out, dealing with alphas is not limited to the workplace. There can also be alphas at home. I could tell you how I operate as the supreme alpha visionary, executor, strategist and commander in my house. I’ll do it, too, just as soon as I get permission from the Mrs.